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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

To All the Men Who Have Been Under My Hood

So we’ve been car-less for over a week now. One minute the LeSabre was your standard, people-moving vehicle, the next moment it was an unnecessarily large planter.

Just how many geraniums can you plant in a Buick LeSabre, anyway?

Vin, the man who has found himself trapped under the hood of our car in the past, has recently bought a house that may or may not slide down a hill in the next five years.

He’s got other things on his mind.

So we called Loud Randy.

According to T, Loud Randy can fix anything.

“Randy’s a little rough around the edges,” T said, “but no one knows an engine like he does. The man is like a dog with a bone – he’ll figure out what’s wrong with it if it’s the last thing he does.”

As of yesterday, the following items had been manipulated, adjusted, replaced on the car:
Fuel regulator
Sparks and wires
Lower intake manifold
Two head gaskets

After five days of this, – including one day where the police were called to settle a shouted dispute between him and a woman in the park that escalated to racial, sexual, and economic judgments on both their parts – Randy decided, apparently, that he was prepared to leave this mortal coil, and gave up.

There was much weeping and gnashing of teeth.

So bring on Jon. Jon is Mary’s boyfriend, she of house-cleaning fame (see “My Weird Friends” for more on Mary – and, actually, T and Vin).

Jon and Mary stopped in Monday afternoon and Jon and William Throckmorton the III spent several hours under the hood.

According to Mary, Jon can fix anything.

Jon believes that the lower intake manifold gasket has been improperly placed.

I look forward to this.

In the meantime, the generosity of Kathy allowed us the use of her RAV 4, and for that, I am grateful. Because of her, we were able to transport pallets of flowers, bags and bags of groceries, and several kilos worth of high-grade heroin.

I probably shouldn’t tell Kathy about that.

This is a new week, isn’t it; and our luck on all things vehicular is sure to turn around.

And I look forward to this.

23 comments:

The Retired One said...

What a grand time for this to happen,just as your hours at work got reduced. Things happen in three's, Pearl....so be careful!!!
I am hoping for you!!!!

Douglas said...

I used to be able to fix cars... mostly. Now they are so complex and full of so many small parts I do not quite understand (let's call them pollution control devices) and computers which require other computers to analyze and adjust. I do not trust mechanics anymore. Not because I think they are crooked but because I think they really believe they understand what they are doing.

Scrappy Doo said...

I so admire the way you look at things. Humor- I feel for ya and hey maybe you can use your Herion profits to get the car fixed or get a new one.
Have a great day
Scrappy

powdergirl said...

I'm with Douglas. The computerization of something that used to be all about simple combustion has rendered the back-yard mechanic nearly helpless.
One screwed up sensor and you're systems down, I've had vehicle failure because of something as simple as the thermostat, for heavens sake. Another thing you can't often figure out without the diagnostic tools a shop uses.
Best of luck with it, nice friend to loan you some wheels, too!

Vic said...

For a brief moment I feared that Randy had died mid-project. Like you need that on top of a dead car.

I think petunias would be nice in a LaSabre, but that's just me.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Firstly, I agree with The Retired One...
Things definitely happen in 3's.
I believe this.

Secondly,

Loud Randy = Shouting = Police

That's not surprising at all.
Glad no one got arrested.
Having suffered my own car problems...still ongoing...I feel for you.

Kisses~
Sent you a message. ;-)

Stephen Rader said...

There are days, standing at the bus stop, waiting and waiting and waiting for the CTA, when I wish that I still had a car.

Then, I ride in a friend's car as we circle block after block, hour after hour, just looking for a parking space, or I take in a little story like yours, and I remember how fun the bus is! And I stop bitching about waiting for the bus.

For about an hour or two. :)

Hope that car gets moving asap!!

Michelle said...

I once had a 1970 Buick LeSabre! It was a boat!!!

Good luck Pearly-Q!!

Not The Rockefellers said...

Pearl, Ugh...went without a car for 2 weeks last summer and realized how damned dependent on it I was. Awful not having it and depending on rides to things like my daugher's tooth extractions ( couldn't very well have her walk home)

But when I got my car back I coo'd to it softly... Please don't ever leave me again...if it's Premium you want..you got it...

It sounds like LeSabre wants outta this world, but it sounds like you have a plan.

A plan to sell the most addictive geraniums on the block. :)

Peace - Rene

@eloh said...

Huh, Buick is a good product, when they ..a..die...it ..well... Hey, now may be a good time to pick up a new gently used vehicle.

I had a '72 Dodge pick up I sold two years ago, I'm such a putz. I could fix ANYTHING myself and hold a tea party under the hood while I was at it. The ONLY thing automatic on it was the ashtray...a giant hole in the floor, best ashtray I've ever had.

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

Pearly, Pearly, you have hit upon the single coolest thing about Blogland. There is no such thing as a completely negative experience anymore. If something goes awry, at the very least you now have an interesting and funny story to share.

A LeSabre planter. What would you grow? Chrysleranthemums?

KMcJoseph said...

Very suggestive title.

ICKY said...

Ok...let me start by saying Randy has officially made it to my "assholes I would like to punch right in the back of the damn head so they fall face down on the sidewalk to make it easier to kick on the way by" list.
I've already apologized many, many times. It will be about 1,000 more before I can feel better about that.


Ok....second....about that smack you said you would pick up......

Sweet Cheeks said...

***Laughing at ICKY'S comment***

I hope to God I never make it on THAT list...

;-)

Sylvia K said...

This was the best laugh of the day and it was a day when I needed it big time! Thanks! Cars drive me nuts anyway. Thanks too for stopping by my blog! Appreciate your comment!

Pearl said...

Retired One, I’ll be careful! Mary needs to be more careful – her place of employment burned today! No more job! Of course, good news comes too, and she and I each have a cleaning job this weekend and a serving job in two!

Douglas, Mary calls this “job-perpetuating engineering”.

Scrappy Doo, Jon seriously believes he can fix it, that the car has a lot of life let in it. Honestly, I believe it’s all going to be okay. Anything outside of health is hardly serious, is it?

Powdergirl, ain’t that the truth? Love my friends, in person and all blog-like. :-D

Vic, while I’m quite sure there are people who wish Randy dead, I’m not one of them. I don’t want to SEE him again, but then again he was never exactly a friend of mine anyway! (Finally got to leave a comment on your site – it’s been bugging me for days but the word verification wouldn’t show up!)

Sweet Cheeks, still having difficulties getting on your website! What the heck? Are others there? Meet me at Facebook tomorrow. :-D

Stephen, you and me, baby. I ride the bus as well; and if Minneapolis had a better transit system I’d rather not own a car at all!

Michelle, oh, this thing’s a boat, all right! Glad to see you – was just at your blog wondering how you was!

Rene, I promise to never be mean to the LeSabre again. I’m going to wash it, and vacuum it, and rev it’s enormous engines next to sports cars at traffic lights – just to let it flirt a bit.

@eloh, I once had a footbath in a 68 Ford Falcon. Was fully functional every time it rained hard. :-D

Chris, you hit that nail right on the head, my friend. I’m a cheerful little bestid to begin with, but everything is now a story, is it not?
Chrysleranthemums? :-D I O U a beer.

KMcJ, I’m all about the double entendre. :-D

Icky, aka “T”, we’ll lure him somewhere, beat him with a sock full of loose change.
And no. No dope for you.

Sweet Cheeks, isn’t Icky fun? He’s actually good-looking, too. :-D

Sylvia K, good to see you again. :-D

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

Just last week I dropped close to a G on my own LeSabre - deferred mainnance (read: running slicks and no back brakes, 12 year old spark plugs & wires, and no a/c in Alabama)
Hope your girl gets back to her old self soon...otherwise what will Liza Bean Bitey take out on her late night errands? ;)

Pearl said...

Cuz I'm the Mommy, oh, you've remembered Miz Liza Bean! I really need to talk to that cat -- she's got my cash card (and she never turns in the receipts).

Jocelyn said...

I have no greater compliment for you than to tell you I have been HELD RAPT by a damn car story--I'm all panty over here, thinking, "When will she post more...when will we find out the real problem...and if it ever got fixed?"

No, seriously. And I'm someone who couldn't identify a Buick LeSabre if you stuck me under its hood.

Lisa said...

sometimes dear pearl, it can only get better x

The Jules said...

I just googled Buick Lesabre and am of the opinion that you should let it pass away with what little dignity it has left.

Pearl said...

Jocelyn, thank you! I feel the same way about your writing!

Lisa, and it will. I know it will.

Jules, are you kidding me?! A vehicle that holds you and your 7 dearest friends?! :-D What the hell. You know, we paid two grand cash for it almost four years ago, so it’s not like we haven’t gotten our money worth!

Jose Sinclair said...

very funny - and I never heard it called that before! under the hood..

from Cheers:
Sam - time to go the little boys room
Diane - why do grown men feel the need to euphemize?
Sam - cuz when ya gotta go, ya gotta!

too funny - Jose
http://wordhumor.blogspot.com