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Thursday, May 21, 2009

… And His Shoes Make Him Run Faster and Jump Higher, Too

You remember my friend T, right? The man who believes almost every woman he sees is beautiful? The man whose sudden and damn-near evangelical love of his lawn (The Book of Scotts Turf Builder) has changed his brown weedy yard to a lush carpet?

He now has furniture concerns.

To wit, he believes his dresser drawers are up to no good.

“Everything I put in there comes out smaller,” he says. “My t-shirts are all tight in the middle. They didn’t used to be!”

That’s right. The dresser in T’s bedroom is shrinking his clothes.

I’ve seen T’s dresser. It’s a battered blonde wood piece of furniture with missing drawer pulls – and while I’ve always stood four-square against this very type of dresser, it does not appear to be any more a clothing-shrinker than my own.

And none of my shirts are, uh, too small.

None! I don’t care what you’ve heard!

Of course, T may claim that it is faulty furniture that has caused his t-shirts to reduce in size, there is also the fact that cotton t-shirts and hot dryers are natural enemies.

There’s also something to be said of his love of the all-you-can-eat banquet.

For now, however, I will play along with his dresser drawer theory. Why not? It makes as much sense as his belief that there are beautiful women everywhere he goes; and maybe I’ll get a free t-shirt out of the deal.


Michelle said...

Ok this is strange Pearly-Q because just yesterday I was telling somebody that I thought my "running" drawer full of my running clothes was doing the exact same thing, you know shrinking....


Douglas said...

My closet does the very same thing. It's a conspiracy, I tell you!

Eskimo Bob said...

When I was in the 6th grade. I wrote a short story about the school furniture coming to life in the middle of the night - and regaled of their adventures.

I have no doubt that his dresser is having some sort of shenanigans. It's quite possible that this world that has become so cynical due to immediate gratification and technological wonders that they've forgotten about the mystical forces that lurk about. No longer will they be deemed as "fairy tales" - they will stake their place for world domination. Mark my words. . . . mark them.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Around here it's the dryer that's up to no good.

Furniture and appliances can't be trusted.

Except for toasters, toasters are trustworthy.

Peace - Rene

tracy said...

Delusions come in all shapes and sizes... Even one size too small


Cameron said...

Maybe your friend's depth perception is off...now that he's all fat and all. ;) I know this feeling.

Crazy Mo said...

I have the same dresser. My closet and dryer seem to have the same effect on my clothes. My fridge, however, is my best friend.

Anonymous said...

My dresser is a clothing divorce lawyer.

The socks go in to the dresser in pairs and somewhere along the line something magical happens and always come out as singles.
My dryer is evil like Darth Vader (at least it sounds a lot like him to me)...and uses the force to shrink my favorite shirts.

Happy day!
(Yard Sale Post!)

@eloh said...

I haven't nailed down the culprit YET, but some "thing" keeps doing bad stuff to my beast-ta-sees. These things that they left me with are pretty useful, I have to admit, the old ones just looked at the sky all the time (worthless) these new ones are always looking down at the sidewalk for lost change.

Come to think about it . . . never mind, no complaints here.

@eloh said...

That would be breast-ta-sees, not that it matters.

Anonymous said...

I'll buy into the dresser drawer theory. Works for me. And, there 'are' beautiful women everywhere he goes, and I go. It's just the way of life.

Under the Influence said...

I think I have that same problem. And it's not just my dresser - it's the closet and the laundry basket, too!

Pearl said...

HEY! As a quick comment, I’ve been trying to get online all day!!! Yikes. What a crappy feeling!

Michelle, you? With shrinking clothes? I don’t believe it. :-D

Douglas, I’ve been wondering about the closet. My hangers have hanger-orgies. How else to explain the clumps of them??

Eskimo Bob, oh, I’m marking! I’m marking!!

Rene, HA! Can we add my bathroom scale to that list?

Tracy, ah! So you’ve been on my bus, huh? Have you seen all the tiny clothes on the bus?!

Cameron, I have noticed the delusion to fat ratio. :-D

Crazy Mo, I’m pretty well acquainted with my fridge, too. It’s just so dang friendly, isn’t it?

Sweet Cheeks, very funny! :-D You know, I was up late the other night – there may have been beer involved – and I distinctly recall seeing your dresser drawer’s commercial! I considered calling – Willie does get on my nerves, you know – but then I heard the fridge muttering something about “snack time” and I didn’t catch the number…

@eloh, I’m glad you cleared that up! :-D Mine haven’t mentioned anything about loose change, but I also suspect that they’re pilfering change from my change drawer – something about new bras.

Mrwriteon, you know, I love that. I love the idea that there are men out there that see primarily beautiful women. That’s wonderful.

Pearl said...

under the influence, I've never trusted my clothes basket. I didn't know why, but apparently its in cahoots with the washer? Figures! :-)

Diane said...

I dunno... that theory TOTALLY works for me. And it explains an awful lot about my wardrobe lately.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

I'm with him on the love of beautiful women-- why else {besides the outstanding writing, I mean-- would I be here?

But... maybe "T"'s dresser amd mine needs breed-- mine actually GROWS my clothing...

Seems like a natural pairing could restore Universal-- or at least dresser-mischievous-- balance...

Debbie said...

There is something to this. My closet shrinks the thigh area of all of my pants, for instance.

Pearl said...

Diane, stranger things have happened, have they not?

Cygnus, thank you. (furious blushing here) Actually, I think it's very good for the psyche to see beauty everywhere.

Debbie, I wonder if, using the closet-thigh-growth theory if the same would hold true if I put my Secret Cash Stash in there?