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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Your Self-Delusion is Complete

I feel as if I’m repeating myself, with another Close Encounter of the Bus Kind so soon, but what can I do when the universe insists on throwing these things my way?

Monday morning, I collected what remained of my work ethic (having used up so very much of it Saturday) and propelled myself toward the bus. It was a typical Monday in that I sat next to a small South American woman, we smiled pleasantly at each other, and I arranged my yoga bag, lunch bag, and purse on my lap. I settled in for the short trip downtown, my iPod easing me into the work week.

It is apparent, however, even to me, in my depleted and sleep-deprived state, even before the bus stops again that the woman set to board is here to test us.

She is dancing, there on the corner of Ridiculous and Sublime. She is a very plump Brittany Spears wannabe, right down to the fedora. She steps on to the bus, singing “Ooooh, you got what I need…” She sits in the first forward-facing seat available, and her jeans, already perilously low, lower even further, and from my raised seat at the beginning of the back of the bus, both her tattoo and her thong underwear are more than just visible, they scream for attention.

There is visible recoil as every person on the bus leans back.

Even now, some hours later, I can still see the wide expanse of flesh between the bottom of her shirt and the top of her jeans.

The tattoo on her lower back (AKA “tramp stamp”) is done in characters, possibly Chinese for “this side up” or “unsafe at any speed”. The thong underwear (AKA “whale tail”) is bright pink, providing deep contrast to the blotched, pasty skin of her exposed behind.

She, of course, is unaware of any of this, and continues to dance, only now seated. I turn off my iPod and listen – from quite far back, actually – as she points out to the numerous other small South American women on the bus (who, in my experience, rarely speak or call attention to themselves in any fashion and are now actively ignoring her) how that building over there used to rent cars, baby; and baby, that bar over there has Bar Bingo on Thursday night…

Baby, baby, baby.

I look away, only to look back in time to see her pushing her earbuds into the ears of her seat mate. The poor woman is leaning away, but the Dancing Queen is not to be denied.

The intrusion is too much, however, and the poor woman takes the earbuds out, hands them back and moves to another seat.

In my head, I applaud her.

The Dancer exits stage right not long after that amidst a flurry of “have a good week, baby” and “baby, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do” directed at the bus driver, who responds with “and what wouldn’t you do?” which only produces more “baby, I be seein’ you tomorrow, baby” nonsense.


It’s official, people.

I am officially entering “My Golden Years”.

Damn kids.


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...


I'm soaping up some S.O.S. pads in order to scrub the mental images out of my mind.

That poor fedora. Indiana Jones just rolled over in his grave.

Blue Eyes said...

"my raised seat at the beginning of the back of the bus"

Strange. Before I got to that point I had pictured you sitting at that very seat. Right hand column, aisle seat?

Pearl said...

iNDefatigable, I should've posted a warning.
But you can see her, can't ya? :-)
Mwa ha ha ha haaaaa.
I owe you a beer.

Blue Eyes,
Actually, yes. :-) On the right and on the aisle.

Not The Rockefellers said...

She was not human...she was Dancer!

Peace - Rene

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Hilarious. See I knew you'd have another bus story. I can always count on you for a good laugh. Baby. (Shudder)

mbuna53 said...

I hear ya Pearl, damn kids.

They better stay off my lawn! That's all I have to say.

Blue Eyes said...

Pearl - excellent!

IB said...

When I read the title of the post I thought it was going to be about me. Heh!

Hilarious post. Love the "tramp-stamp" reference. We don't hear that one often enough anymore.

Bevie said...

In the old days it was boom boxes. But back then even they had the decency to hide their lower cheeks.

But she got what she wanted: attention.

So, Golden Lady, I hear there's a good place to get used walkers and such in St. Paul. If you'd like, I can look up the number.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Part of my job as a 10th grade teacher is to inform young women to cover up their ass crack. This is not something they covered in teacher's college. OJT all the way baby.

DevilsHeaven said...

"Whale Tale", you have expanded my vocabulary. I'll get back to you on if I'm glad of that or not.
Earbud goo, GROSS!!!!!!!
GAG. I even made my very own niece wipe hers off before I was willing to "share" her listening experience.

Mandy's Kidding said...

Excellent blog, baby.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Yuck. If I had been sitting next to that babe and she'd stuck her earbuds in my delicate ear canals, you can be sure the police would have been called. THAT's how old I am...

Anonymous said...

God...I know this woman! In this part of the world their called Chavs. Their everywhere and I'm afraid that some sort of culling may be required....quickly!

Chris said...

Chinese characters spelling "this end up" or "unsafe at any speed". Freakin' hilarious, Pearl. "Slippery when wet" would work nicely in that scenario also, and maybe even "caution, speed bumps". Okay, now I'm being gross.

Nice work, as always.

Jeanne said...

Great writing. It's almost like I was right there on that bus with you.

Tomorrow can we go to the zoo?

Vic said...

At least it wasn't a Hello Kitty tramp stamp. I've seen that, and it made me want to weep uncontrollably.

Eskimo Bob said...

Pearl -


I try to live a good life, trying to keep my mental images clean so that when I die and face my creator and I look back on my life we can both be pleased. . . now I have whale tail and 'this end up' stamped on there. Hopefully we'll be able to sit together and laugh about it. . . otherwise I'll see you at Bridgemans with our Lallapalooza sundae.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Probably one of the only things I miss about public transportation... Many good stories to tell.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

ugh! Maybe try a side-facing seat and look studiously at the scenery outside!

Kavi said...

The bus not only provides you with a ride, it also provides you with the sights...!

Some people get everything in the world !


lizspin said...

Tramp stamp!! Ilove it!

Susan said...

George Carlin insisted that those Chinese characters spelled out, "beef with broccoli," baby.

Red Squirrel said...

As well as a tramp-stamp those tattoos are also known here as 'tug-targets' (in that, should one be finishing oneself off after a session from behind, then you have something to aim for).

Just thought I'd share that with you :)

That Baldy Fella said...

Eurgh, sounds like a reject from a Bukowsi novel - if he wrote about buses instead of bars. Baby.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Beautiful, Pearl - And over the pond we call them "Chav Antlers" - Like 'Redneck Antlers' I guess...

My surgeon asked me if I had one before he decided on where to go in for my disc surgery! He said he'd ruined a lot of expensive body art!

I said I didn't have one, but perhaps I'd be next in the queue at the Tattooist's if the surgery was successful... He didn't laugh!

I adore your blog! And how can you be an Underdawg, my dahlink - All those lovely followers and readers?! x

troutay said...

Ack! I can't get that out of my head.
I know that when you have a song stuck and you can't quit hearing it, you just hum "the girl from Ipanema", but I don't think it will work this time.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Tramp Stamp, Tug Targets...I always learn so much over here.

darsden said...

Dang I am sorry I missed the bus this morning. I been in the yard all week! I am worn out..it is hot out there let me tell you.. I am also Not as Good as I once Was..so I am right there with ya Pearl.. this getting almost in my 30's is killing me.. uhmm did I say 30's ack..my nose is growing again!

Great filling me in on the ride

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

i love it. i wish she would come to the bowling alley. seriously.

Lilly said...

Whale tail, tramp stamp? Clearly I have passed out of my golden years into my twilight years. Thanks for increasing my take on the English language.

Ann's Rants said...

Ewwwwwww. I agree with you Pearl. Especially with all the "babies"

DouglasDyer said...

I want her. What bus should I be stalking?

Scrappy Doo said...

Doug has some issues I think he needs to resolve.

and now please excuse me cuz I am going to hurl!

What the hell kind of neighborhood is you bus stopping in.

Damn Kids

Old Scrappy Doo

Pearl said...

Rene, but she was no Tiny Dancer (sorry, Elton!).

Blogging Mama Andrea, the bus is an absolute treasure chest of dubious – and touching – behavior.

Mbuna, haven’t seen you for a while!

IB, about you? My blog about you is still under construction, under the working title of “How I Admired Him: The IB Story”.

Bevie, I’m going to get me one of those Little Rascals so I can zip around town. I have those little motorized wheelchairs coming up behind me downtown all the time – and those things move!!

Pseudonymous, I had to tell a receptionist (temp) to pull up her pants and to please not wear a neon blue bra under a sheer white top. Now why in the world would anyone’ve thought that was okay?

DevilsHeaven, the whale tail. :-D There are pictures on the web which I declined to post – most of them were of women far too attractive to depict the Dancer and the others were of obese women in thongs. Distressing.

Mandy’s Kidding. :-D

Mary, and I would’ve still written it down!

Greenfingers! Chavs? What is that short for? Apparently the Australians use that one, too.
My son calls them “Hell Naws” because that pretty much is what you hear when they’re talking: Hell Naw!

Chris, I had actually thought of “slippery when wet”, along with “must be this tall to ride”…

Jeanne, surprisingly, the Minneapolis transportation system is pretty crappy unless you’re going downtown, to the Mal of America, or the airport.
But we can still go to the zoo. You’ve been very good lately.

Vic, seriously? Hello Kitty? I’m looking forward to the end of rampant tattooing – but then, what next? I have some theories involving the removal of unnecessary finger joints, but they sound better after a couple beers.

Eskimo Bob, the longer I live, the more I believe that the Creator has a sense of humor – and the woman this morning was sent to test to mine.

Kate, I love the bus. Most of the time, it’s just a ride. But sometimes it’s a good time.

Roshni, I leave the side-facing seats to the elderly and disabled. But now that I think of it, the sight of that woman’s butt was a bit disabling, wasn’t it?

Kavi, I consider myself blessed. :-D

Lizspin, it’s descriptive, isn’t it?

Susan, oh, funny! But I always did love George Carlin.

Red Squirrel, I did not know that. And now that I do, I will never be the same.

That Baldy Fella, oh, yikes, it does sound like Bukowski! (Have you read any Denis Johnson? Worth it.)

A Woman of No Importance, what does “chav” mean? Is that short for something?
I feel like an underdog! June is my one-year anniversary, and honestly things have really picked up just in the last couple months. Who knew blogging would be so much fun?

Troutay, hmmm. What IS the visual equivalent of humming The Girl from Ipanema? Perhaps if you close your eyes and envision Mary Tyler Moore tossing her hat in the air…

Prefers Her Fantasy Life, is it too late to apologize?!

Darsden, I wish you’d been there! I was looking for someone to point it out to and the South Americans are just too dang polite! I had to write it down!

Mouthy Irish, oh, I’ll bet she’s there. Seriously, this woman is everywhere!

Lilly, I hope you don’t think less of me! :-D

Ann, :-D

DouglasDyer, shoot, Doug! I’ll get you her number!

Scrappy Doo, Northeast Minneapolis is a fine neighborhood with rentals available to our more colorful characters. Really, I love my neighborhood. Best area I’ve ever lived in: friendly, homes built at the turn of the century, walkable churches, bars, restaurants, art, theater, hairdressers, you name it. But with such an area, you get some weirdos.
Really, it’s all part of the charm. :-D

♥ Braja said...

Ack indeed. Isn't there a spray you can use to keep these things away???

Ankit said...

I like Braja's idea of carrying a spray to keep these things away.

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

Pearl, I am by no means in my "Golden Years" but you (and some of your readers) have enlarged my vocabulary: whale tail? tug target? I've got to get out more. Or maybe not.

Pearl said...

Braja, a spray! Now THAT is a marketable idea, my friend.

Ankit, Braja's full of good ideas!

Cuz I'm the Mommy, yes, I don't know if I should be pleased with the enlargement of my own vocabulary (tug target?!) or alarmed...

Aria said...

Isn't it brutal when 'geezerdom' sneaks up on us and we go from being the tramp-stamped to clucking our tongues in disbelief at the brazen behavior of the tramp-stamped. I'm right there with ya woman.

My age isn't just showing, it's flashing passers-by.