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Thursday, April 9, 2009

That Lying, Thieving Clock

My appliances are in cahoots and plotting ways to drive me mad.

For instance, I suspect my alarm clock – snatcher of dreams, night-buster, bringer of headaches – of outright lying to me.

I can’t go into a lot of detail here – I rely on the damn thing, after all, plus it reads my blog – other than to say that when the alarm goes off at 6:20 there are daily insinuations made by it, assurances of dreamy 10-minute “snoozes” that promise not to cut into my morning routine and to put me back into that dream-state I so enjoy.

This is a lie, of course. There is rarely such a thing as just one slap at the Snooze, anything and everything affects the morning routine, and another 10 minutes isn't going to affect anything.

Like many people, I, for reasons that vary from getting to bed late to the inability to fall and stay asleep, am vulnerable to the Snooze. (I also eat things guaranteed to be seen as nothing but non-nutritious seam-rippers; watch things on TV that call into question my evolution as both a human and a person; and sometimes speak in ways that would not bear close inspection by my parents, my man/boy, my husband, or my boss.)

As it is for many of us, I suspect.

And the early-morning bit, the lies the clock tells me? The lies I allow to ooze into my ears before I’ve attained full consciousness? I suspect that’s universal as well.

What? What’s that? You are immune to the insidious ways of the morning snooze? You awaken smelling of clean sheets and optimism, bound out of bed, flow through 10 Sun Salutations and then pop into the kitchen for whole grains and pulverized-fruit juices before heading off to work?

I envy you people, you for whom the alarm clock does not lie, you who awaken of your own accord. I haven't met you yet, but sources (and we’ll leave it at that: just “sources”) inform me that you’re out there.

The alarm clock may never be my friend – not unlike the fridge and the microwave (but then again I always knew I couldn’t trust those guys) – but for now, it’s a necessary evil, I suppose, and just trying to do what it’s told for as long as possible.

Everybody likes a little job security.

Unlike that iPod dock of mine, whose buttons sometimes work and sometimes don’t. I swear that little SOB is out to get me.


DevilsHeaven said...

Mine lies to me too. I think it's something they're programmed to do.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I practically tripped over myself to click on your link. Of course I misread it as: "That Lying, Thieving Cock."

I think we should all make our titles dirty, screw truth in advertising.

Anonymous said...

I never want to meet the person who does 10 sun salutations in the am. Unfortunately, alarm clocks are a necessary evil for us common folk.

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Good morning Pearl,

My Grandmother (a Southern Lady) never used a clock. She never worked while I was growing up so there was no need to get up when the roosters crowed; not in the geographic vacinity of the Chicago I grew up in.

I had a paper route in my childhood and that woman woke me up daily at 4AM. I hated it! But I loved the few quarters I got from throwing newpapers.

Now I'm 58 and as a result of my Grandmother's conditioning, I wake up every morning at 4AM without a clock. This also occurs on days when I don't work. You have no idea how maddening that is.

Thanks Grandma!


Jodie Kash said...

I have a Big Ben, a lovely little yellow alarm clock that flashes light for a few moments before the sting of the bell. Meant as a kinder awakening, a happy "wakey wakey" shake.

I, however, incorporate the flash into whatever dream I'm finishing, say in the form of a fire ball falling from the sky or continually flicking light switch. And I get annoyed.

That Baldy Fella said...

Mornings were invented purely to irritate us. Anyone who revels in them is evil and must be stopped (or just needs to go out drinking a bit more...)

Brother Tobias said...

I once tried one of those ones that, after a fumble with its buttons, spoke the time - thus saving me from prising open my eyes. It lied outrageously. And I'm pretty sure it whispered subliminal propaganda to me in my sleep. How else could I explain irrational urges to buy things I really didn't need? Like the rollerblades (on which the furthest I ever travelled was between the cooker and the kitchen table). Or the entire collection of Leatherman-type multi tools, which I never have on me when I need them. The dog has taken to sleeping on the bed now and has an infallible, hunger driven sense of time, better than any clock. Sadly she's not yet mastered the switch to and from winter time.

The Retired One said...

Please. Don't. Hate. Me.
Before I retired, I was the One that bounded out of bed upon the first few notes of the radio alarm, made coffee and hummed the whole time getting ready to go to work...no problem!
I had always been a "morning person" and therefore, the only person in the family that did not speak or grunt in mono-syllables until around 11 a.m. at our house.
The kids still tease me about being Suzy Sunshine in the morning.
But, since I retired, now...I hate to get out of the warm cozy bed before the crack of 9am.
See, older people CAN be taught new tricks!
The Retirement Chronicles

Charlotte Ann said...

oh! I'm one of those people that does not have an alarm clock. I hate to admit this, but when my eyes open, I'm bounding out of bed and to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. I've never been able to sleep in but I do envy those that can sleep till 7AM!!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I think all clocks should be outlawed. Put in prison. A clock prison. A prison full of clocks. No, I said clocks. Get your mind out of the gutter.

darsden said...

Pearl, (it's me) I never have to use an alarm. Just tell myself what time I need to be up..and I am. Most of the time that is 5 am regardless of what I need to do.
Now when those time I have to "be" somewhere early again no alarm needed. I just watch the clock all night while I am sleeping problem solved ;-)

Jeanne said...

I've never understood the snooze alarm thing. I usually wake up a minute or two before it goes off, and if I'm tired to want to get up, 10 minutes isn't going to help.

Ria~ said...

I too am one of the people that don't hit the snooze. And though I don't do 10 sun salutations, I do 10 push ups to get my blood flowing.

I know, i'm giving myself that look in the mirror as I type this...I'm one of those crazy peppy morning people.

BTW, I also thought the title was "That Lying, Thieving Cock"...now that would be an interesting blog ;O)

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

There was a clock being sold on the internet which rings and then starts flying about the room. So you have to get up and make a grab for it (no snooze option obviously) by which time you are fully, maddeningly awake!
It was sold out in 2 hours, otherwise I would have got it in order to be able to smash it to smithereens with a carefully aimed shoe the next morning.

Adlibby said...

My alarm clock just might m-m-m-m-meet with an accident one of these days!! Wait, does mine read your blog too?!!!

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

My alarm clock also lures me with the lie of the snooze. Now it has found yet another dastardly way to lie to me: each day it is a few minutes faster, waking me earlier and earlier. It's insidious, I rareely notice the time change until it reaches 20 minutes. The up side is I get 2 free snoozes when it runs fast!

Beth said...

And I wake up before the alarm. Really. I wake up all night long to check on the alarm. Night can be so long. All I want is some sleep, sweet sleep.

I guess you could say, I sleep like a baby.

Michelle said...

You may not like me Pearly-Q when I tell you this but

I awaken sans alarm clock. In face, I've never used one in my entire life. I also bound out of bed, run 5 milers and then have oatmeal and juice. Coffee too. See, I'm not perfect!!!!

Please don't hate me. I was always a morning person. It is just who I am.

But I totally get what your saying.

Jess said...

I will state it now, loud and proud, I HATE alarm clocks. Let's get together and ban them!

IB said...

I wake up every day 10 minutes before my alarm goes off. I usually just switch it off before it ever makes a sound so as to not wake up the Mrs.

Sick, I know.

Douglas said...

When I was just out of the Navy, I found I needed an alarm clock to wake me so I could get to work on time. I also needed it while in the Navy but living in an apartment in town. I would place the device on the dresser on the other side of the room. That way, I would be forced to get out of bed in order to shut the thing off or smash it to pieces (I stopped doing that when I realized even cheap alarm clocks reduced my beer funds). I needed the clock less in the later years because I was actually getting more than 2 hours sleep between partying and work.
Now that I am retired I only need an alarm clock for those days when I play golf in the morning. Like tomorrow. Thanks a lot for reminding me. (sarcasm intended here)

Kavi said...

I have now divorced the alarm clock. and have remarried the mobile phone. Every morning, the phone wakes me up. With a ring tone that i am unable to distinguish between an alarm or the bosses call.

Both are alarms right ?


Eskimo Bob said...

I empathize. Completely.

I haven't used an alarm clock since January. I don't wake up until nearly 8 AM - but heaven be if I have to use that darn alarm clock again.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

I can't do snooze because I see it as waking myself up to get more sleep. Seems kinda purpose-defeating, ask me...

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

I think I love Mandy's Kidding...

Scrappy Doo said...

I don't have an actual clock. The Hubby is alawys up and always wakes me with a gentle touch and telling me its 6:30 and time to get up.
We have played this game for about 2 years and the thing is I have to be up at 6 to make it to work on time so I am usually 20 minutes late.
Go Figure :-/
PS I love the Microwave!

Anonymous said...

I hate my freaking clock...

It laughs at me...in a cruel sort of way...because it knows I can't see without my contacts in...

All the numbers blend into one blurry 5 or 9...or is that an 8?

Bastard clock!

De Campo said...

You’re totally waking up to the wrong sort of blaring klaxons, bells and whistles. What you need are some soft chimes and empowering music. It probably wouldn’t hurt to stop engaging in tequila binges with the toaster all night.

By the way, that swiffer of yours is a total slut.

Pearl said...

I am so far behind I can see the back of my own head…

DevilsHeaven, appliances. Pffft. Subsistence farming is looking better and better…

Mandy, and I see you’re not the only who thought it was “That Lying, Thieving Cock”. I feel kinda bad about that and wish it prompted something in me, but I got nothin’.

Lisa, ah, but they’re out there, the early risers!

U, I thought I recognized a fellow paperboy!
4:00 a.m., though. I envy you all the things you must accomplish in a day!

Jodie, I can see that! I do the same but with whatever song comes on…

That Baldy Fella, we need to talk to someone about mornings. Perhaps the right people have not been contacted.

Brother Tobias, I am intrigued with this whispering clock of yours. I like the idea that it’s responsible for having caused you to waste your money.
Mine clock only yells. Never whispers.

Retired One, I could never hate a person who shows the talent you do around antiques (per your post).

Charlotte Ann, ooh, but you’re one of the people whose houses I love to stay at. The thought of you up making coffee is enough to get me up so I can join you at the kitchen table…

Mary, that was very funny.

Darsden, do you know that I can do the same?! I paint (in my mind) the time I want to get on a rock, then drop the rock in the water, and watch it go down, down, down… Then I wake up.
Either that or I drink a lot of water before I go to bed. THAT’ll get me up early!

Jeanne, the snooze is just another way to make you feel in control. It really means nothing, but I’ll bet the guy that invented it got a bonus.

Ria, actually that’s a good idea, getting your blood up early in the morning…

Roshni, my son puts his alarm across the room so that he’ll be forced to get up to turn it off.
And yet he still manages to sleep through it on occasion.

Adlibby, I don’t know about your alarm clock, but both your washer and dryer have been here. (Oh, and the washer wants one of those lint-trap things over it’s hose. Said you’d know what he was talking about…)

‘cuz I’m the mommy, seriously? Your clock is running faster every day?! That’s wrong. That’s really wrong.

Beth, very funny! As long as you don’t wake up wet and crying, huh?!

Michelle, I could never hate you! You get up nice and early, go for a run, and start the coffee when you get back. I’ll just, uh, hold the fort down.

Jess, we’re thinking of forming a task force of some kind. I think there’s important work to be done here!

IB, that's a pretty high bard you're setting for the rest uf us, IB! :-)

Douglas, did you just insinuate that I had somehow caused you pain by reminding you that you had to set an alarm SO THAT YOU COULD GO GOLFING IN THE MORNING?!!! Oh, Douglas.
Oh, Douglas.

Kavi, I use my mobile when I’m traveling. It’s a nice little feature, innit?

Eskimo Bob, but seriously, does your part of the world get and stay dark in the winter? How’s that work for your internal clock?

Cygnus, you are totally right.
Cygnus? Mandy.
Mandy? Cygnus.

Scrappy Doo, if they’re okay with you being late? More power to you! (And you and your husband sound like lovely people!)

Sweet Cheeks, contacts! Very fancy!
My alarm clock is practically next to my head, so even without my glasses I can see that old bastard, all right.

Pearl said...

de Campo, I was thinking of getting one of those alarms that actually just gets the room brighter and brigher.
Oh, and the swiffer? You got her number, all right. The vacuum's worse.
We'll just leave it at that.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

My alarm clock is my almost three year old. She goes off all night long. If I could snooze her I would. I usually get up at about 6 or so, give her a container of cheerioes and some water, park her front of a video and go back to sleep on the couch for an hour. Parenting at it's finest of course but it's how I function.
Then it's coffee and blogs for an hour (or two okay maybe three). Then on with the day.

Bevie said...

I quit using any sort of outside stimulus to wake me back in '94. Since then I tell myself when I want to wake the next morning and I'm usually within a half hour of that.

CSY said...

I am SO not a morning person! I mean when I get up if Hubbs has made coffee for me before he leaves to go to work (at the BUTT-CRACK of dawn)it'll be a good Saturday, if not....the kids ALWAYS disappear when I wake up. That's only on the weekends tho - Hubbs calls me at 5:45 to make sure I'm up so I can get the Spawn to school and myself to work.

Aria said...

It's a conspiracy that runs world-wide. The sources, btw are total liars, anyone that wakes either happy, perky, or without aid before noon is an ETfrigginAlien or taking illegal drugs, in which case they need to be reported to the authorities so they can annoy people in the jails cause they deserve some torture, as opposed to the normal-hard-working-law-abiding-folks who wake up bleary-eyed, staggering toward the coffee pot as fast as they can so they don't miss their ride.

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

You need Clocky. Click here to see one - http://adrianscrazylife.blogspot.com/2009/04/my-april-fools-day.html

What I need is an alarm to tell me when to GO to bed. For some reason, I've been staying up later and later. Lately it's around 1:00 AM by the time I hit the hay.