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Friday, April 24, 2009

Is That Your Last Name, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

What, again? Another Friday?

And once again, I am made happy by the weekend that my iPod has predicted for me.

This morning’s commuting songs – which I have determined (through sheer insistence) are indicative as to how my weekend will go – are as follows:

Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival
On Board by Friendly Fires
Keep the Car Running by Arcade Fire
AFK by Pinback
Supermassive Black Hole by Muse
Hollywood Swinging by Kool and the Gang
Five on the Five by the Ranconteurs

And for those who don’t know, I highly recommend Supermassive Black Hole (fairly new, but heavy in a groovy sort of way) and Hollywood Swinging (before Kool and the Gang went all “Celebrate” on us).

So! Where were we?

Oh, yes. A short story. We have time, yes?

Two jobs back I worked in a very small town, commuting from “The Cities” (Greater Minnesotan for "Minneapolis/St. Paul"). The receptionist reported to me, which meant, basically, nothing at all.

She wasn’t much more than a girl, and she had a pleasant phone voice, but she was a bit on the dense side. I once listened to her describe to a friend her fascination with creatures such as the Loch Ness Monster and the Abdominal Snowman.

Yes, really.

So at this place it was customary, when a visitor came in, to post a welcome sign in the foyer.

“Acme Fencing and Foundation Garments Welcomes So-And-So”.

You get the idea.

And so it was that one day, while expecting a visitor, I noticed that she had put up only enough little white letters to spell out “Acme Fencing and Foundation Garments Welcomes You”.

“You don’t have his name yet?”

“No, I have it; but I can’t put it up.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s obscene.”

“Darlene, Mr. Fuchs' name is not obscene. It’s his name. Put it up.”

Bless her heart the little bumpkin went over my head to my boss, who convinced her that yes, you could pronounce it that way but the real pronunciation was “fooks” and to go ahead and post his welcome.

I don't miss that job.


Bevie said...

Oh, so funny! "Bless her heart", yes. Some people get derailed quite easily. But Greater Minnesota (Outstate Minnesota, as it was called when I was young) holds no monopoly on this type of brilliance.

Jess said...

Mr. Feltersnatch would have been even more awesome! But I am guessing she wouldn't have "got it".

Lisa said...

snort........ good one pearl xx

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

*lower lip trembles* But...but...I like the Loss Ness Monster and the Abominable Snowman. And el Chupacabras!

Gone on. Pelt me with your tomatoes. I deserve your scorn.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Oh, and once my mom worked with a guy whose last name was Fucs, but is was pronounced "Fox". Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

The Jules said...

She was a bit fuching thick then.

She wouldn't want to go here then: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fucking,_Austria

darsden said...

damn Pearl...you promised you would never tell that story ;-)

LOL is that really where I met you...all this time I thought it was from the bus...

Funny Pearl

Chris said...

Imagine having a name like that. I mean, I couldn't do it. I'd be too tempted to give my kids names like Charity or Daly.

Maybe that's just me, though.

MuseSwings said...

She probably wouldn't have put Joe Pennise's name up either.

Warty Mammal said...

Another candidate for becoming a CEO.

Seriously, how was she able to get enough neurons to fire to make her way to work each day?

powdergirl said...

Haywood Jablomee called, he wants his name up in lights too.

kimber p said...

Supermassive Black Hole is my absolutely favorite type of music..A lot of Funk, a lot of Dance and a LOT of beat!!!
can you make some more recommendations for that type of music with that sound so I can make a cd for myself?

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Mr Fuchs, hehe. It must be fun to work with others, I only have to deal with my kids for now.

Jess's made me laugh out loud!! LOL

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I like "the Abdominal Snowman." I remember a temp from a job a long time ago who would do the most hilarious pages from the reception desk, "Um Bob - this is Christine - can you please um, pick up line 2 - it's um, your doctor's office - thanks!" Of course some one trained her after a few of those - but I was disappointed. They were very entertaining.

troutay said...

yep, there are a few out there.
Mine didn't know pickles were cucumbers and she said "hinkups" for hickups.


Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Hilarious!! The AbDOMinal snowman? Really??!!
Gosh, i wish I HAD a job like that that would bring me a few laughs everyday!!

Mr. Condescending said...

That name keeps showing up in my life for some reason haha. Just this sunday in the local paper was a man with the last name Fuks. Ive always seen it spelled Fuchs until then. Your post was funny thanks!

Susan said...

What a fuchtard. Great story!

ICKY said...

Oooh for Fooks sake !

ICKY said...

Good thing she didnt work for
Mike Oxamonster.

Pearl said...

Bevie, she was a special kind of simple, that’s for sure!

Jess, dammit it, yes!!!

Lisa, thank you.

iNDefatigable, oh, please don’t get me wrong! I love the unexplained and I personally hope they never find the yeti or the Loch Ness Monster (because they’ll put it in a cage)!
But her deal was that she thought it was the Abdominal Snowman as opposed to the Abominable Snowman :-D
I feel for people whose last names are swear words in another language.

Jules, again – dammit! I wish I’d said that!!

Darsden, you silly woman! I will never tell all of our secrets!!!

Chris, I had a friend whose last name was Kase who named his son Justin.
No, really.

Muse Swings, No, I’ll bet she wouldn’t have…

Warty Mammal, well, you certainly couldn’t ask too much of her. She was about 21, seriously hungover every Monday, apt to call in on Friday, and whispering into the phone with her boyfriend when she thought you weren’t around.

Powedergirl, I wonder what she would’ve thought of that one…

Kimber P, very cool! Well, I’m sure you’re already into Bootsy Collin’s Rubber Band (very old school 70s). Hmmm. New stuff, check out a song called “No Tomorrow” by the Caesars. Not so funky but highly danceable and happy. NOT new but funky: the songs Super Stupid and Hit it to Quit It by Funkadelic. Atomic Dog by George Clinton. OOOOH and a new band called The Heavy – check out “Colleen” and “That Kind of Man” – serious groove/funk. Can’t go wrong. There’s a band called Junior Senior with a song called “Can I Get Get Get” that’s a groovy dance song. Check out “Rollerskate Jam” by Plantlife. Another dance song that honestly DOES make me think of a rollerskate rink!
I’ll keep looking for you. Glad to meet another funk chick!!

Blogging Mama Andrea, we have to watch out for Jess. The woman’s got some tricks up her sleeve!

Troutay, oh, I totally forgot about the cucumbers!! I’ve met people who didn’t know that.
I used to know a guy who seriously referred to “caterpillars” as “callapillars”.

Yes, Roshni. The Abdominal Snowman. :-D

Mr. Condescending, nice to see you!

Susan, she certainly was!

Pearl said...

Oh, Icky. :-D I'd forgotten about Mike Oxomonster. Too fookin' funny.

Brian said...


Cygnus MacLlyr said...

i absolutely LOVE your supermassive black hole, pearl!!!

[::C. THINKS::
Well now, did that sound in ANY WAY right?
So why do I love it all the more?!?]

um.. there was MORE to the story??


Like more than a pearly supermassive... could ever...

A. Swan~

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

I'd miss it! [The greeting desk job, that is...]:

"Mr. Fuchs! You!"

Then, gub'mint compensation is still available, non??

I sense a need ...

♥ Braja said...

FINALLY i recognize a song...Fortunate Son, thank God...the rest make me feel old :))

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Hi Pearl,

Love me some Creedence.

I wonder if this could be the same woman who as 9-year old little girl received a wallet as a birthday present.

She opened it and found an ID card which she immediately began completing:
Sex?....she thought pensively for a moment...and the she wrote "No"


That Baldy Fella said...

You can't beat a bit of Muse and that one's definitely a corker.

Teri said...

I like the Muse stuff too...I just got into them recently :)

Kira =] said...

Ahhh, supermassive black hole is my favorite jam on repeat. I wonder how long it'll take before the kids starting singing along.

Paramore Decode is another favorite.