I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I’m Mad At Spring

We were right on track – and by “we”, I mean Minnesota – with this whole seasonal thing. You know: Fall, Winter, Spring, with the eventual hope of Summer.

Summer!! What's that you say? Unfrozen water? Temperatures that can’t kill you? The ability to leave the house without dressing in multiple layers first?

It was all working out so nicely.

Just two weeks ago, we were well on our way. After nearly five months of the porch/trunk of your car doubling as a freezer; five months of the weird sensation of being able, when well below freezing, to feel your eyeballs in your skull; after five months of the formation of strange ice balls in your nostrils, the sun came out. The glaciers in the front yard beat a silent and sullen retreat; and Minnesotans stepped into the sunshine, blinking their tiny pink eyes, their pale faces turned toward the sun…

We went crazy as only those in the northern climes can. Boots were kicked off and left in sandy corners of the entryway. Heavy coats and hats were abandoned in favor of jaunty jackets and cute little caps. Parks erupted in spontaneous games of Frisbee. Teenagers put on shorts and tank tops and stood goose-pimpled and defiant while the older folk tut-tutted.

Windows were thrown open.

But then something happened, something very un-Spring, something I certainly did not authorize and cannot condone.

Spring went away.

The wind blew its way into town, ripping the smiles from our faces. We skittered down the streets like fallen leaves, back to our heavy coats.

We closed our windows.

And I’m against it.

I don’t know who I have to get drunk and dance with to get Spring back, but by golly, I’m doin’ it.

I do it for the people.

I’m doin’ it for you, man.

You can owe me.

41 comments:

Blue Eyes said...

[evil bastard blue eyes]
Are you sure you didn't delete spring by mistake?
[/evil bastard blue eyes]

Lisa said...

maybe spring has bouycotted becasue you are unwell- it will come back when you can enjoy it............smooches sister- we are LOVING our Autumn here xx

Pearl said...

Blue Eyes, LOL! Very funny. Very sneaky. I like that in a person.

Lisa, Oh, I am so much better today! Now all I have to do is finish the antibiotics and make plans for that margarita I've been craving... (And Autumn is a lovely time of year, isn't it?!)

naperville mom said...

Haha! Spring seems to have gotten a bit drunk and lost the way... and wound up on the wrong street...Hey, Spring, you're needed here. Dinner's ready, and we're waiting:)

Yeah, I'm Still Here... said...

I feel your pain. We awoke to about 4 inches of new snow today (in the NW)... I'm completely disgusted.

darsden said...

dance pearl dance...LOL I am doing the stop raining dance, stop the tornado dance. Spring is here but the lightening keeps me from dancing outside!

Fantastic comment Blue Eyes...can't believe you beat me too it, dang it.

Glad to hear you are feeling better...a happy is on the way :-)

Pearl said...

Naperville Mom, really, Spring can't be trusted, can it?!

Yeah, I'm Still Here: Ack! North Dakota got a foot or so in the last couple days. Ridiculous.

darsden, I truly do feel better! Just like that. Am in an excellent mood, too, which I always enjoy!
One Spring Dance coming your way!
p.s. And ol' Blue Eyes is pretty clever, isn't he? We'll have to keep an eye on him...

tentativeequinox said...

I will join your spring summoning circle or drinking game or whatever. I am growing desperate. We had SNOW here yesterday, the cruellest April Fool's joke ever, except it was no joke. We, on the West Coast, are supposed to be sniggering at those who live in cooler climes than ours, pointing out the daffodils and crocuses to our friends and family out East--it's a time honoured tradition. And here I am...sniggerless.

The Retired One said...

I love when you said PINK EYES!!! Bwaaahaaaaaaa
I know when we go to Mexico in the winter we look like sickly albinos.
Then we get too much sun and we look like Lobster Albinos.
But when we get spring in the U.P. it is the SAME thing...we whip off our heavy coats, put on flip flops, and are out washing our cars in the sun next to the piled up snowbank that refuses to melt away. We really CELEBRATE living through another long, hard, cold winter.
I can't wait.

Eskimo Bob said...

I think Spring plays this cruel trick - saying: "OK Winter, you have one more chance to make your case. I'll be on Spring Break - see if you can beat your record of 97 auto accidents on the highway."

Blue Eyes - that was very clever.

The Jules said...

Sounds like you just had a British Summer. Did you defrost strawberries? Did have a horn dance? Was there cider?

Reminds me of a story. I met a police officer in your Death Valley once who thought English people were hilarious, because he'd found some who's RV had broken down on an August afternoon. They'd wandered off to seek help, but he'd found them playing cricket in a canyon nearby, and they'd taken their jumpers in case it got a bit nippy.

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Hi Pearl,

You know, Blue Eyes raises a valid point. Wasn't it about two weeks ago that you were involved in an unrecoverable error that necessitated manual correction?

Get them dancing shoes on Pearl! Spring must be appeased with a dance.

U

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

sooo sad!! (writing from Sunny CA!!)

Jeanne said...

Do whatever you can, because it's heading our way.

Lindy said...

"get drunk and dance" - way to take one for the team!

Ann's Rants said...

It was me. I jinxed us. How? Brought the snowpants home from preschool.

I take full responsibility.

Kavi said...

Thank you. Thank you.

Well...what else can i say when you are doing it for me !?!

:)

powdergirl said...

It snowed here this morning too.
Mother nature can be a fickle biotch!

Joanie M said...

OK, blue Eyes made me spit out my coffee!!!

Jodie Kash said...

Anticipating spring is like the first bite of a truly magnificent peach. Or when he finally reaches over and takes your hand. And how the grass smells when it first starts to heat up in the earth.

It will come. And it will rock.

We have a foot of snow coming Saturday first. Time for soup.

Pearl said...

Retired One, now the U.P. seriously does get some snow! Beautiful country, but I don’t envy all the shoveling you guys do!

Eskimo Bob, that’s how I see it, too. Spring is a trickster!

The Jules, is that a British Summer? Very funny! We consider cider a “Fall” drink and horn dance? There’s something very – what was that movie? With Britt Ecklund’s boobs? – Wicker Man about it.

U, I fear Blue Eyes’ insight. He caught me! He caught me!
And yes, I believe a full-on street dance is required.

Roshni, California?! I’ve heard of California!! *sigh* It’s warm there…

Jeanne, I’ll see what I can do. I’m going to burn a little sage, put on my good shoes, and dance myself silly. I’m gonna appease SOMEthing!

Lindy, I do what I can. I’ll also go shopping if it will help! :-)

Ann! Dagnab it, girl! You brought the snowpants home?! Oh, we’re screwed now!

Kavi, I do it for the humble folk all over the world. Me. You. Them. :-)

Powdergirl, She certainly is – and if She doesn’t change in, um, two weeks, I’m going to be even madder! (Nothing happening in two weeks, btw – I just picked that out of the air.)

Joanie, he’s a funny guy! I laughed out loud and got a “look”…

Jodie, comparing the anticipation of Spring to the first bite of a really good peach is perfect. One of my favorite moments, every single year! In the meantime, I have a decent recipe for a “mess o’ red” (chili) that might need making this weekend…

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Maybe Spring was just worried because of the way you claimed that summer doesn't have temperatures that can kill you. More people die in the heat than the cold.

Pearl said...

iNDefatigable, in the heat? Hmm. OK, I've thought about it and perhaps you're right... Perhaps I've insulted Spring.
Oh, crap! What's the right thing to send when you've offended a season?
Anyone?

lisa said...

Hope to see it popping around again soon. When we lived in WI, it was summer for about one day and then it was cold and rainy the rest.

I can definately feel your longing for some good rays.

Pearl said...

lisa, I'm going to step outside, sit on the steps, and turn my face to the sun for, oh, three days.
And then I'm going to do it again.

darsden said...

Pearl, come ponder when you have a sec!

Pearl said...

dar, what's up?! What are you guys doing down there?!!

darsden said...

LOL, nuttin! just got a picture of a tornado though over the big house...so I guess I'm running bout now

lizspin said...

We're dancing here in "Joisey" today!!!!

Perhaps you will be soon????

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

We're having spring here in Ottawa. What's wrong with Minnesota??

fingers said...

Makes you wonder why those dopey Eskimos haven't woken up yet and gone, 'I'm fucking freezing. Let's get out of this shithole...'

"Greenfingers" said...

I'm a gardener Pearl, I sort of work with earth and soil...and clouds! Er!!. Get drunk and dance with me and I can guarantee spring within the next 4 weeks!...

ICKY said...

This is why I don't take the plastic off of my windows until June 13.

♥ Braja said...

Oh yes please bring it back cos it's just too hot here....

Hello lovely...i am doing a little bit of normal stuff :) Ow :) You are the sweetest, i've missed you so much...alays thinking of reconnecting..thank you for all your loving support, it means so much to me ... xxx

Gadjo Dilo said...

Spring's just round the corner but maybe the corner is still quite far away. (Ancient Chinese proverb)

ladyfi said...

LOL! I live in Sweden so know exactly what you're talking about.

Spring is flirting with us right now, but I'm damn sure she's going to pull out at the last moment leaving us gasping for more...

Pearl said...

Run, Darsden! Run!!

Lizspin, I hear you’re warming up. Spring in New Joisy!

Mary, Minnesota is different, geographically. I had a meteorologist explain to me once about how we’ve got the Canadian air, stuff ripping out of the Rockies and up the plains, and the Great Lakes, but I’ll be damned if I can remember what he said…

Fingers, I believe it’s acclimation. You know they put the newborns out in the cold – those that survive never really feel cold again..
OK, that’s not true. But I’ll bet it’s something akin to the Scandinavians who bundle up their babies and leave them outside in strollers.
OK, I’m not even sure that that is true (honestly I think it is).
It’s not the cold in AK that I’m wondering about (or for those of you in Canada: aboot), it’s the volcano. Seems like cold places shouldn’t have volcanoes…

Greenfingers, you have no idea how that made me smile. One of the better propositions I’ve received today…

Icky, I’ve seen your place. I thought the plastic was a decorative touch.

Braja! I JUST found your address in my “bus” purse. Will stop by…

Gadjo Dilo, I am squinting my eyes at you thoughtfully. Hmmm. >< I’ve never heard that said, but then again, how many ancient Chinese do I know. Hmm. I’m going to use that, in the future. I really like it.

Ladyfi, Sweden! I hear it’s a lovely place aside from the waiting for Spring! Yes. That is what we have hear. Spring has been quite coy with us, and we tire of it!

Crazy Mo said...

It's pissing rain here in Toronto. Sucks, I tell ya. But at least I don't have to shovel it. I'm just a wee bit jealous of Mary in Ottawa ... she has the tulip festival to look forward to. So pretty! Hey, let's all go to her place!!

Pearl said...

Crazy Mo, I would like to go to Ottawa!!!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

This is truly the MOST frustrating time of year.

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

Ain't it the truth! The weather is very schizophrenic around here too. Really nice one day, then horrible and snowing the next. I was really ready to be done with snow, but I guess they didn't consult me.

Hey, what happened to the post about the cat poop? I was getting ready to leave a comment and it just disappeared?

PS: Stop by my blog. You'll be happy you did. I'm givin' away money....