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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I’m a Freakin’ Hot House Flower I Am

Do you have a minute?

Would you mind if I described the current condition of my lungs to you?

Since the dawn of time, I’ve had issues with breathing. Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for it and have rarely come down on the side of not breathing – but I have what my father refers to as “weak lungs”.

Which is pretty funny, when you consider that I marched with a Sousaphone in high school, that I used to run long distance, that I tend to choose Motorhead songs for karaoke…

I have a touch of asthma, a propensity for bronchitis, and have endured bouts of costochondritis, which is either an inflammation of the cartilage of the rib cage or an inflammation off the coast of some lovely South American island, I don’t remember which.

Either way, I got rid of it with an antibiotic.

And now today, what started as a touch of anxiety around manipulating a rather large and unwieldy amount of data has turned into a shallow-breathing nightmare.

And yes, should you all be forced to choose who lives and who dies in some end-of-the-world blogging scenario, I am fully aware that I would be kicked out of the lifeboat first, me and my weak lungs. I can’t figure out how to open a can without a can opener, I don’t carry a knife, I speak only one language (and that, poorly) and now today, I can’t even draw a full breath.

Of course, I’m carrying around a couple extra pounds, so if the tribe decides to eat me (anyone here seen/read “Alive”?), I’m okay with that.

I’m willing to bet most of me will fry up nicely; but as I’ve already alluded, I’m not sure I can recommend the lungs.

42 comments:

darsden said...

Pearl you would be a keeper..because I am sure you could entertain everybody in the life boat and they would forget their troubles.

I am sorry to hear about your lungs big soft {hug} don't want to squeeze what lil ya go left in there out ;-)

darsden said...

that would be got left...fast fingers here don't quite make the key board :-)

darsden said...

just trying to stay ahead of EB ya know...he's sneaky!

Pearl said...

Darsden, keeping ahead of EB is a full-time job!

Charlotte Ann said...

Pearl, although I don't commment often, I watch avidly for your posts. You are a Keeper!

Pearl said...

Thank you, Charlotte Ann! That's nice to hear!

Chris said...

Couldn't vote you off, Pearl. You'd be the one making the hilariously disgusting comments while we were enjoying our Essential Bastard burgers.

Note: I was going to say "fileting E.B." but I'm wary of the play on words he would make with that.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Oh Pearl...I think you're a fighter. Don't let those "meat" (I saw Alive) crazed canibals get their hands on you.

~PakKaramu~ said...

Pak Karamu reading your blogs

JBA said...

You are way too amusing to throw you off the boat.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Love how all these people say youre a keeper and they wouldn't off you. Less of you I'll have to share when it's time to eat!

Hallie

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I have the weak lungs, too. I think it has something to do with all the second hand smoke I inhaled between years 0 and 12.

Dr Zibbs said...

Ooo - I saw the movie Alive.

Creepy.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

you know you're just grossing us out so we could NEVER think of eating you now?!!

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Pearl,

As a lifetime member of the Carnivore Club I acknowledge my allegiance to the tribe but I have no hesitancy in saying, "you'd be safe in my life boat".

Just make sure you bring along some chocolate!

U

ICKY said...

I disagree.....I think your lungs are a fine/fun size !

Eskimo Bob said...

Pearl -

I have seen 'Alive' and 'Silence of the Lambs' but that's about it for movies with a carnivorous slant.

But we have a long way to the summit - so buck it up.

Oh yeah - high altitude means thin air. . . weak lungs. . .anyone have any A-1?

powdergirl said...

You are safe in my boat, I'd rather laugh than eat.
And besides,I've got practically super-human lungs(that I don't deserve) so I will do the breathing, you will do the jesting.
To each their own strength.

Aria said...

Ahhh, don't kid yourself lady, you'd win cause you'd have everyone in stitches and they wouldn't suspect your Machiavellian actions... Buhwahahaha!!! ( I say that with all due love and respect, btw...)

Ankit said...

Pearl

If you get in to that kind of situation chances are...what you said could very well happen to you.

Your only chance would be...what if the tribe is full of vegetarians.

But who said that tribe people just eat their catch. I am sure that they will have some interesting ideas.....


;)

Not The Rockefellers said...

Are you kidding me Pearl, I'd be first off of the lifeboat, island...whatever. You'd be next though. :)

Maybe you have a data allergy.
You're datasthmatic.
Throw that around in conversation with complete arrogance and you'll make some folks believers.

When pigs fly...
Yeah, well, swine flu ( flew ). :)

Peace - Rene

lizspin said...

Sousaphone??? There is really such a thing as a Sousaphone???

Michelle said...

Pearly-Q I think it is me who should be worried about you!!!

Whats up? Are you still smoking? I hope that answer is a negative!! I will leave you alone on that.

You need to take care of yourself girlie. Open up your lung capacity!! RUN a bit maybe? Deep breathing!!??

I am gathering together a vegetarian tribe so no worries there OK?

YOU ARE SAFE!!!

Kurt said...

I also marched with a Sousaphone in a very misguided attempt to make time with the ladies.

Cupcake said...

Gustavo Zerbino: And what about our innocence? What's gonna become of our innocence if we survive as cannibals?

Ann's Rants said...

Well Pearl, you damned near drown as a child!

The Jules said...

You're so talented, we wouldn't eat you all at once you know.

The Retired One said...

I feel your pain..I got diagnosed with pneumonia this week. I have hacked up one lung already, so if you would like it, be my guest.
And, what the hell is "weak lungs" anyway???
Anyway, I hope you get better soon too!!
Stay away from the swine flu bus people...it will be the death of you! (and me too, come to think of it!) Shit. We are "compromised"....

The Retirement Chronicles

Sweet Cheeks said...

Pearl...

Do what I do...

When my lungs are refusing to work...just take them out and throw them in the dryer...make sure to use a dryer sheet so they smell nice and fresh when they come out.

It works every time.
:)

Jahnu said...

Lung talk is normal for me these days :) Jahnu's pierced lungs and breathing problems ruled for a while :))) But FRY UPS??? Hell girl...:))
xxx

Jahnu said...

NO WAIT :))) I'M BRAJA...on Jahnu's computer, forgot to change the ID...duh ;))
xxx

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

I don't have a lung problem per se, but I have a shortness of breath problem due to the fact I have an enormous amount of pressure resting against my lungs. It sucks.
I think it's pretty much unanimous, you're not going anywhere.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Due to time constraints I'm ignoring all else save your title, and in response to thus quip "That you are, Pearlie one; that you are..."

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

OK I can no longer constrain...
Rene, Swine flu or no, I'd off a small .. well.. galaxy.. could I but have one chance to deeply french-kiss that maw o' your'n...

Kavi said...

So much for the lungs ! So much for the lungs !

:)

Pearl said...

So would you believe I was not feeling up to writing last night?

I appreciate you guys keeping me on the lifeboat. I promise to carry small board games and bait in the future, just in case..

Pearl

p.s. What's wrong with you people?! The Sousaphone is HOT! :-D

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Awww, I wouldn't let them toss you over...unless you started horking up green stuff. Then, we'd have to talk.

And, I think I'd be the first to go, to tell you the truth...my entire body is failing me, baby.

darsden said...

Pearl I hope you feel better!!

But I have just one question..did any body see you playing that Sousaphone

(that doesn't even look like a real word)

I mean with you beihng so small and all! I am lil bit impressed!

Don't worry if I was in the life boat there would be a buffet for everybody for days ;-)

Bex said...

maybe we'll just go for the liver first. that's where all the nutrients are ... i think.

Bex said...

wow! blogging is weird! i just left you a comment about which of your organs i'd like to snack on and we are practically strangers. well, that's blogging for you.

Eskimo Bob said...

Pearl - I hope you get this, mostly because this is a day old post and I'm not sure when you stop checking your comments. But you NEED to check this out!!! Actually - everyone who has a lung should check this out! Get your check book ready!!!


http://www.alsearsmd.com/pace19/

Jocelyn said...

This is why I love you: I always make jokes about people eating me first, if the plane goes down. I extend blanket permission for that, should it ever come up.

Want to come on a plane trip with me?