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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

If I Ask You About the Chocolate, Lie To Me

In a move that will surprise no one, I stuffed myself with discounted chocolate late Sunday night.

Like taking candy from a baby, it was, my wrenching the Macy’s Easter chocolates from my husband. The man has a weakness for candy in all forms; and I feel for him, because honestly, there is perhaps only one day a month where I’m not kidding, hand over your chocolate.

Sunday was the day.

“But you told me not to give them to you!”

“I know what I said,” I countered, “but you know what a liar I am. Now give me the chocolates.”

“No.”

“Give me the chocolates please!”

“No! You said don’t give me the chocolates, even if I ask you.”

“I know what I said,” I repeated, “just tell me where you hid them.”

“No.”

“I promise I won’t touch them. I won’t eat them. I just want to know where they are so I know they’re safe.”

“You want to know that the chocolate is safe?”

“Yes. Seriously. You never know about this sort of thing. Maybe the cats got to it? Huh? Maybe they’re too close to a furnace vent or something? I should check?”

“Oh, for cryin’ out loud, Pearl, they’re in my underwear drawer, behind the good socks but in front of the concert ticket stubs. But you can’t have them!”

Ha! Sucker.

There was a dash to the bedroom, of course; and while Willie may be a full foot taller and a good 60 pounds heavier than I am, he is lousy at defending himself and practically powerless in the face of aggressive tickling. Oh, he starts out all gung-ho, but years of being mock-attacked by my brother has honed my devil-may-care, go-to-hell, warrior-style of assault.

Poor Willie. His love of sugar cannot save him. He clamps his arms against his ribs in a misguided notion to save himself and collapses on to the floor.

I step over his body to get to the chocolate.

Six milk-chocolate bunnies and a handful of gummy worms later (as a chaser), I admit I may have been a bit over-zealous.

So I called him today, after lunch, to let him know I’d been to Macy’s again: more discount Easter candy! Replacement caramel-filled chocolate eggs and gummy worms.

And so the games continue.

36 comments:

darsden said...

Too funny Pearl, my question to you is...did you share your other candy with Willie? Hummm I new it should have been a double order!!!

Not The Rockefellers said...

Oh God, Pearl! You need a chocolate safe word.

Peace - Rene

Pearl said...

darsden, ah, but I did share your goodies with him! OK. SOME of them. I shared SOME of them. :-)

Rene, oh, Good God I had not considered just how far I've sunk...

mbuna53 said...

Chocolate & Gummis? Together?

Yuck.

I think you may have put me off both of those items.

Thanks. I need to cut down on my candy intake.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I love "chocolate safe word". This reminds me so much of a phone conversation I had with a friend while she searched her house for cookies that she instructed her husband to hide from her. Apparently he was good! She was frantic. And all over some gross chips ahoy. I say - go to the store and buy something better. But at that point it was a matter of principle.

Pearl said...

mbuna, well, not together. Not exactly. But yes! Yes, dammit.
And I'd do it again!

Kate, it's amazing, once it gets in your head... Where's the chocolate? It was here a minute ago. Where could it be?
It's like looking for a lighter when you have a cigarette. Next thing you know you're lighting it using the toaster...

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

My husband would soooo make me "pay up" (ahem) before telling me where the candy was stashed!!

Hallie :)

♥ Braja said...

you said chocolate :)

De Campo said...

I would like to suggest “diabetes” as the safe word.

Vic said...

My husband thinks I don't know where the chocolate is hidden because I siphon it off slowly.

It works as long as you don't leave any wrappers lying around.

CSY said...

Men are SO easy! When I'm looking for the chocolate that my husband hid from, I mean for, me I just ask the kids where Daddy put the chocolate...they ALWAYS know! Except when I hide it! Of course, I hide it so well that I forget where it is and have to go buy more!

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Pearl,

Anyone who loves chocolate is OK in my book. I resort to gummy worms when my chocolate stash is depleted.

U

ladyfi said...

Hilarious! He'll have to learn not to fall for your tricks...

Jodie Kash said...

Now give me the chocolates.The funniest thing I've read all morning. I chuckled twice.

Chocolate covered gummy bears rock hard, whether you suck then chew, or merely chew.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I've noticed that my chocolate reserves have dwindled to non-existent and that my jelly bean bag is running frighteningly close to empty. And I have a bad feeling that Kroger's left-over-Easter-candy selection is going to be slim and grim, to say the least.

powdergirl said...

Have you tried chocolate covered gummy bears?

TO DIE FOR !!

Greenfingers said...

Like you Pearl, I would do anything for chocolate. Climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest sea....bit mad really!!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

sucker indeed! Poor man!

Jeanne said...

At least it wasn't for Peeps. For chocolate, that's understandable, but if it was Peeps, we'd be looking at an intervention.

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

the man should have just told you where the chocolates were. he could have saved himself alot of emotional distress and nightmares.

lizspin said...

My husband hides the candy from us all the time and won't tell where. . . the bastard!!!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Never stand between a Chick and her Chocolate. Ever. I love the story.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Pearl, How much do you love chocolate???

As much as cornbread? LOL :)

Peace - Rene

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

SOunds like a blast over at Pearl's!!

The Retired One said...

I was all like "oh, I guess I can't relate that much..." and then you had me at chocolate and caramel.....
my absolute FAVORITE combination.
You want my first born child? Ok...just hand over the caramel chocolates. Yeah. That's how pitiful it is....

The Retirement Chronicles

Beth said...

Already I can tell you have more willpower than I do. I would never ask someone not to hand over the chocolate. That is impressive.

And he was safe while you interregated him?

Ann's Rants said...

In a move that will surprise no one...CTM (chuckled to myself)

The power of candy is just too much for mere mortals like us, Pearl.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

gads, the sugar crashes you must have...

Pearl said...

Wonderful World of Wieners, that seems like a fair trade!

Braja, I did! And I’ll say it again!! CHOCOLATE!

De Campo, I was thinking “Seam Ripper”, but that works…

Vic, but that’s the problem: the ability to control the intake!

CSY, I do the same thing with money. I hide it, then lose it, then find it months later…

U, gummy worms are always after chocolate. Always.

Ladyfi, poor Willie. We’ve been together almost seven years and he still hasn’t learned.

iNDefatigable, they’re down to Peeps, I’ll bet.

Powdergirl, really? They have chocolate-covered gummies? There’s so much I don’t know…

Greenfingers, I reserve my chocolate lust for the good stuff, but I’m not above Reeses Peanut Butter Cups if I must…

Roshni, he knew what he was in for when he married me!

Mouthy Irish Woman, I agree. Will he learn, though? That’s the question.

Blogging Mama Andrea, thank you. He should know better, don’t you think?

Rene, oooh, but I do love cornbread. Wait – is there a chocolate cornbread combination that I’m unaware of?

Mary, the man had it coming. I stand beside my reckless disregard for his chocolate ownership.

Retired One, chocolate and caramel, chocolate and peanut butter, chocolate and coffee beans. It goes so well with so many things. Do you think there’s a chocolate cheese? I wonder if I’d like that, too…
I’ve so much to learn!

Beth, he was never safe, and he’s not been safe since we met!

Ann, the first step is acknowledging that you are powerless against it. :-)

Cygnus, I’m awaiting the chocolate-methadone…

Chris said...

What a cute and riotous story. I'm going to do the guy thing and have Willie's back on this one . . . denying your woman chocolate can only end in disaster. I have to assume he knows this and just puts up a false resistance for the sake of appearances.

Michelle said...

A handful of gummy worms as a chaser!!!

WOO!! Pearly-Q that cracked me up!!!

Chocolate is made only to be eaten and fast.

Absolutely no reason to save the chocolate EVER!!!

HAPPY DAY!!!

The Jules said...

Loved the bit where you stepped over his body, like a victorious ninja over a downed foe.

Joanie M said...

My daughter hid her Easter candy from me and I have PMS (YES, at 53 I still get PMS... totally sucks I tell you!). And I even let her take my car today. the bitch.

Kavi said...

Chocolates are chocolates ! But then, whats life without chocolates !?!

SweetPeaSurry said...

Ohhh that's such a cute story!!! I love it. And discounted chocolate is priceless!

A Frugal Friend said...

Hmmmm...reminds me I've hidden our discounted chocolate. Now, where did I put it? I hid some a few months ago that I've seriously lost. HeeHee