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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Have Your Body on Line One

After weeks and weeks of little beyond data entry and other nominally trainable-monkey tasks at work, I’ve finally gotten something to do of substance. It’s not hard, frankly, but it’s incredibly detailed with a whole lot of if-this-then-that, something I’m fairly good at.

In my excitement to be of use, however, it seems I’ve made some sort of unconscious decision to ignore my bodily functions.

We don’t have to go into details here – I can see you nodding “yes, please don’t” – but I’m willing to bet I’m not the only person who does this.

And I’m not a betting woman.

Wasn’t this a new year’s resolution, to eat when I was hungry; to drink more water; to go to the bathroom, for cryin’ out loud, when needed and before threat of an unseemly accident?

It all started in the mid-60s, when I was but a wee lass. My father was a traveling salesman, his route encompassing Minnesota, Wisconsin, North and South Dakota; and I sometimes traveled with him. That’s a lot of territory, all covered in an ancient Rambler once owned by PT Barnum.

I’m kidding about that.

Dad was interested in “making good time” and kept a book on mileage, gas purchases, and how many miles to the gallon he got. My father, child of the pioneers that he was, scorned the idea of diners, stretching one’s legs, wayside rests or anything that would cause you to use a wayside rest.

My father had the bladder capacity of a – well, of something that never had to pee.

Don’t get me wrong: Dad taught me to read a map by, like, five years of age, and told me fascinating – and sometimes even appropriate – stories about his childhood, his time in the military, and how Gene Krupa had style but Buddy Rich had the chops…

Things have changed, though. I am now allowed to drink water, eat, and relieve myself at my leisure.

Within the limits of social confines, of course.

But here I am again, lots to do and trapped in the passenger seat of the Rambler of my mind.

If I could only get me to pull over.

21 comments:

Lisa said...

seems bodily functions are the topic of conversation today, including me and my blog....
my kids have amazing bladders- can go for hours ( or until a movie starts).........where as i cant hold on for more than a micro second these days........
always lovely to read a pearl blog post xx

naperville mom said...

haha! loved the part where u're showing yr support for your father, delightful:)

darsden said...

we had 2 ramblers growing up..LOL a sedan and then a stationwagon they both made a spaceship like noise. I could hear it coming a block away...gave me plenty of time to hide (any) evidence of ???

IB said...

My buddies and I have an on-going contest to see who can drink the most beer before they have to pee. I typically win, not because I have the best bladder but because I'm the most stubborn. It's good training for long road trips.

powdergirl said...

I understand that they have recently come out with a more fashionable line of Depends under garments. Less like wearing your carry-on luggage in your trousers, more like a hand bag, charming colors, nifty little packaging...
For heavens sake, lady, when you gotta pee, go pee!

The Retired One said...

I hear you.
As a nurse, we would sometimes remark that we would cathetarize ouselves and wear little pee bags strapped to our legs so we wouldn't have to take those stops. For God's Sake...here we were emptying other people's urine and didn't take time out to do our own (ummm)"maintenance". What's up with that???
The Retirement Chronicles

ladyfi said...

Hilarious!

And they say kids can store their pee all day long at school and not use the bathroom till they get home!

Susan said...

Let go, Pearl, let go. Do you hear that fountain?

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I know the feeling... I sometimes feel I just need to finish writing something which may well take 2 hours, and my bladder is there shrieking and writhing all along!

Travelling with dad must have been so exciting! Was it fun or did it become tedious? Nowadays 5 year olds need a DVD player in the car...thank God it wasn't there at that time or you probably would have missed a lot, eh?!

Eskimo Bob said...

Just don't get to the point where you do "the dance". . . It would be much funnier if someone else got the moniker "The Pee-Dance Lady".

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I love my bladder. I can hold it all day long if need be. That's right. All.Day.Long. Jealous?

Sweet Cheeks said...

Peggles...last year when my daughter (The Dark Child) went on a band trip to Las Vegas...she didn't pee once. She was gone for two days....

I think she's a robot, because my bladder is in sync with commercials on tv...every 15 minutes I swear...
:)

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Hi Pearl,

Call this an "Ode to Your Chair":

Well I don't know why this chair is so tight
I got the feeling that something ain't right
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs
Boss to the left
Co-workers to the right, here I am
Stuck in the middle with you


U

lizspin said...

I once had a friend who wouldn't let her kids stop and pee during a 14 hour car ride!!!

Notice I said "had" a friend. . .

♥ Braja said...

No PT Barnum? Damn.

JBA said...

Doesn't the bladder have law enforcement? You so totally missed the lights in your mirror? Busted, sister. Busted.

Yeah, I'm Still Here... said...

I do the same thing except I can't figure out why I put it off... put it off... put it off...

The Jules said...

You know when you need a poo but can't go (becuase you're in a meeting or doing brain surgery or something), and then the urge goes away? Well, apparently, the faeces can retract upto 40cm back up the colon.

Isn't that impressive?

Brother Tobias said...

You can travel without comfort stops AND read a map? Will you marry me?

Beth said...

Hell, you could be a teacher. Even though I have a bathroom in my office, hours will pass until I'm doing a fancy jig before I will pull over.

Funny post!

Margo said...

bodily functions can be such dream busters. I hate it how sometimes you can't tell you have to "GO" until you stand up and then it's ... well, too late. my parents were into dehydration.