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Thursday, March 5, 2009

Liza Bean’s Got A Brand New Bag (with apologies to James Brown)

Once again, I am forced to reconcile the adorable, striped love-bundle that is Liza Bean, Housecat Extraordinaire, with the four-legged deviance of Liza Bean Bitey, Scourge of Interpol, Enemy of the State, and All-Around Scofflaw.

Do you know Miss Bitey?

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a cat I’ve caught taking calls from Kuala Lumpur at 3:00 a.m., a feline with a taste for expensive liquor and fist fights, a so-called “pet” who alters my grocery lists with requests for whipping cream and “the good shrimp”.

This is what happens when you allow the “cute” factor to influence your life.

Like the attractive woman you bring home from the bar only to discover that she has left early the next morning, liberating your stereo, Liza Bean is not who she appears to be.

And now, while the newly acquired aquarium has honed her dexterity and paw-eye coordination to the point of being able to soundlessly lift the lid in the hopes of luring a hapless oranda to the surface, we’ve not only got potential fishy carnage, we’ve come to discover that she’s dating.

The cat is dating.

Could four words possibly bear more weight?

The cat is dating.

Her late-night calls, the ones that used to be taken in the bathroom with the water running for the sound dampening effect, are now taken sprawled on the living room couch, her back feet in the air as she paints her nails with her free paw…

The fuzzy little slut.

This cat – this tom – is different from the ones before him. The others? Saville Row suits, Italian shoes – these were cats with style, with savoir faire.

This one? I’m not even sure he has a name.



I gotta go. Liza Bean’s trying to operate the deadbolt at the front door.

p.s. A big shout-out to Braja, who snapped this pic whilst I was elsewhere.

26 comments:

Scrappy Doo said...

He just looks like a player. Hope Miss Liza knows what she is getting into with that kind of love em and leave em type.

rachael chatoor said...

LMAO! No one is ever who they appear to be! : )

The Retired One said...

They always go for "the bad boys". But she's an old cougar, she can handle it.

Pearl said...

Scrappy Doo, I'm not even going to warn her. She needs to learn this lesson.

Rachael, ain't it the truth?!

The Retired One, She's only three, though! I hate to see her little heart get broken!

Wizard Cat said...

Yeah, that guy's a total douche. What Liza needs is a guy with better fashion sense and the ability to conjure "the good shrimp" whenever she wants it.

I can take care of your problems. Point me at him and I'll crucio his little tail back to kittenhood.

Protege said...

What a cool date; make sure to catch him on his bike next time around.;) Preferably with Liza Bean on the back.;))

Frank said...

Question: Have you replaced the stereo that was liberated by the attractive woman you brought home??? And you wonder where Liza Bean picked up these extreme tastes… Expensive liquor and fist fights… LOL Hard!

Kavi said...

The cute factor has strange influences indeed. Indeed !!

:)

CSY said...

Now, Pearl, you DO know that if you FORBID her to see him she'll just sneak around behind your back and do it, right?
Oh! And if she gets knocked up, can I have one of her kitty's? My Spawn seem to think they're old enough to handle one...we'll see!

darsden said...

Too Funny Pearl. I love the names you come up with. Love the photo. I have a photo of Rudey dog in a leather bomber jacket...LOL

Barbara Blundell said...

Pearl,
Why is date wearing a straight jacket ? Has he sneaked past the nurse, got smuggled out in a duffel bag or let out on parole ?
I wouln't encourage him if I were you he could be a bad influence .

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Uh oh... leather! That's bad news! careful dearie... not that Liza will listen.....

Eskimo Bob said...

Whew - just a Tom Cat; I thought maybe she was thinking of the dachshund down the street. A sure sign of the Apocalypse.

Michelle said...

She did? Braja?

Your cat knows what she wants dude and goes for it. I would so date that cat!!! He is a kool cat!!!

Pearly-Q Liza will do what she pleases, let her go!!!

It's time!

Vic said...

I'd watch her closely- if you see a lot of shiny new cat toys lying around, she's probably embezzling from you.

Suzy said...

Go read http://roadatlasshrugged.blogspot.com

You may have seen it before but they're added music!

♥ Braja said...

That tom had such attitude. As I snapped the photo he snarled, "Yeah, I'm Liza Bean's date. You got a problem with that." I don't like where his paw is...

Douglas said...

"That's why the call him 'the leader of the pack."

You see, I named my cats accordingly...

First there was Bimbo. So named because I found her on the sidewalk in front of my apartment rubbing up against any passerby's leg and mewing seductively. A platinum blonde, of course, with a shady past.
Then there was Floozie. the brown haired with highlights who would lie spread-eagle on the floor in front of company. Any company.

And, finally, Carlos, named after Carlos the Jackal, the infamous terrorist. Like his namesake, Carlos would leap out from where you'd least expect him to be and attack your ankles with vicious abandon and then escape to attack another day.

Alas, it was a love triangle that was doomed from the start when they were all together. Carlos adored Bimbo, who dismissed him as an unworthy suitor, and abused Floozie who thought she had given birth to the little miscreant and forgave him no matter what he did (like push her out of the way and eat her food).

They have all passed away some years ago and my therapist told me I should not get any more pets.

Ann's Rants said...

Pearl! You are so right. These damn cats wooed me when I was a young hopeless romantic, and now? I'm stuck. Let me guess...Harley Davidson of the Wisconsin Davidsons?

fingers said...

Just the sort of slutty neighbourhood moggie that corrupted my Reji the other week.
Can't you keep these depserate fur-balls locked up...

Beth said...

I've never had a cat with a uterus. I think the lack of uterus turned off the Tom cats.

And that Braja gets around. With the camera, I mean.

FrankandMary said...

This is what happens when you allow the “cute” factor to influence your life.~ I am well aware of this one as my older cat has ruined half the things in my house but always does it in such an adorable manner. Briege had her own blog on AOL for a while :-). I'd let your cat learn on her own. She isn't going to take your advice; I can feel it.

You stopped by my blog so I decided to make a visit to yours.
I so understand the "catness."
~Mary

Susan said...

Get the kleenex and the shrimp dip ready. She's going to have her heart broken...

Pearl said...

Wizard Cat, what I hate is when he just sits in the street on his bike and waits for her to come running down the stairs. That’s just rude.

Protégé, I’ve got the camera at the window sill, just waiting…

Frank, me? Bring home a stranger? That would, uh, never happen and I didn’t want that stereo anyway!

Kavi, it’s hard to be mad at her when she’s so soft and cuddly.

CSY, and ain’t that the truth? I’m going to play along here, see where it goes…

Darsden, I think you’re going to have to post a pic of Rudey…

Barbara, I’m not encouraging this, but like CSY says, I can’t forbid it either. *sigh*

Roshni, you know, we raise our children – um, pets – to do what’s right, but ultimately it’s up to them. We can only hope that Liza Bean is thinking clearly (or that she does something worth writing about!).

Michelle, I won’t stand in the way of love, it’s true. As for Braja, she may not have actually been in Minnesota (or anywhere near it actually!) but she does keep me in mind while surfing the interwebs, if ya know what I mean... :-)

Vic, oh, I’ve caught her with her paw in my purse more than once, but if she thinks I’m giving her my PIN like she keeps hinting about (AND I KNOW YOU’RE READING THIS LIZA! DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DON’T READ MY BLOG!) then she’s been snorting too much catnip again.

Suzy, that was really funny! Thanks for sharing the site. I dropped by and will drop by again!

Braja, as my man on the street, so to speak, I appreciate you catching the little bugger in the act. Ever vigilant…

Douglas, Carlos sounds familiar. Have had a number of lurking cats myself, and the visual of him attacking your ankles with “vicious abandon” is very amusing to me.

Ann, I like that! Harley Davidson of the Wisconsin Davidsons. You know, he DID smell of fresh air with just a hint of cheese. :-) I was thinking of something along those lines, but I was also considering “Chad” just because I think it’s funny, somehow…

Fingers, I assure that Liza Bean rarely gets outside (without having drugged me first or lured me onto the second floor porch with good chocolate or…).

Beth, Braja is everywhere, omnipresent.

FrankandMary, nice to see you! The cat had her own blog, huh? Hmmmm….

Susan, that’s so funny. What kind of movies do you think cats watch when they’ve been dumped? I’ll bet they’re kind of violent…

jackba said...

Rufie...the hot tub cat of Vegas...thinks she has fallen for his villainous good looks, and that she should reconsider a snippy Vegas cat of red stripes and sophistication.

[IMG]http://i229.photobucket.com/albums/ee191/jackb57/DSC01500.jpg[/IMG]

He's a looker...

jackba said...

oops...


guess we cant use pics?

bumma in the summa!