I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, March 20, 2009

The Irish Owe Me an Apology, or There Must Be Some Way to Blame Someone Else for This Cold

I’ll get around to my myriad complaints in just a moment, but let’s start with the iPod songs o’ wisdom first, shall we?

And just quickly, on the subject of my predicting the future through the iPod shuffle, I know it’s shite! I know it’s not accurate!

How could it possibly be an accurate shuffle if I’ve removed “You’ll Probably Die Tomorrow” and the ever-popular “There’s a Painful Boil in Your Future”?

I’m glad that’s settled.

So! What’s the weekend look like? Here are the songs that would have played on the walk to the bus stop this morning.

The Seeker by The Who
Someone Else’s Train by The Cure
Destroyer by The Kinks
ABC by The Jackson 5
Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Take Mine Down by Chooglin’
Everybody’s Got Something to Hide (Except Me and My Monkey) by The Beatles

The Chooglin’ song is in the last year, but the rest? These songs are 20, 30 years old – and still some of my favorites.

Well, it’s Day Three of being sick as the proverbial dog; and as a card-carrying Minnesotan, I am not allowed (per agreement at birth, I believe it was) to call in sick two days in a row.

And after having taken a day off specifically to drink, to amuse and be amused?

It’s just not done.

But I'm well and truly sick, man. I cannot be social. I cannot breathe through my nose, taste my lunch, begin to imagine what is causing the intense pain from my eyes up, or speak without bringing to mind various warty, croaking amphibians.

So I’ll just be over here, on the couch with my tissues, my inhaler, a jar of Mentholatum and my cell phone, miserably self-pitying, and doing my best to stifle the coughing jags that threaten to force my brains out my temples.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been as sick as I am right now.

So do we still have time for a quick story? Just a little one. And then I really gotta lay down.

At one time, I was a court reporter, one of those intense-looking women pounding out, phonetically, everything said in the courtroom.

That’s the key: phonetically.

And I was good. But there came a day when I came across a line in a transcript I was working on where the deponent said she had been coming back from an appointment, that she had just gotten – and here I wrote “P S D S”.

P.S.D.S.

Oh, crap.

PSDS? PSDS. I rolled that son of a bitch around in my mouth for a good hour. I called my friends. "You ever had P.S.D.S.? You know anyone who does?"

I had to have this word, and eventually I did what is a last resort for court reporters.

I called the deponent.

I asked her about the “PSDS”, if I had that right.

“Oh, yes,” she said.

“So, um,” I said, fishing, “Does that hurt, PSDS?”

“Oh, no, not really,” she said. “Just a quick pop. The earrings just get shot right into your ears and you heal in no time.”

HA! PSDS? Pierced ears?!

Did I mention the woman had been raised near Boston?

OK – just one more thing; and then, really, I gotta go. I can’t just hang around here all day…

I received the "Uber" award (see the award on the right over there?) from Aria and am to pass it along to five (or more) bloggers.

Here’s my five, and do you know why? Because they are consistently humorous, consistently interesting, and they leave some of the funniest comments I know. (And yes, I’m aware that this is more than five. Hey – I can write; I never said I could count.)

Eskimo Bob
A Mouthy Irish Woman
Out of Me Head
Prefers Her Fantasy Life
Kavi’s Musings
Not The Rockefellers
What Were You Thinking?

The rules of this award are:
* Copy the badge and put the logo on your blog sidebar or post.
* Nominate at least 5 blogs (can be more) that for you are Uber Amazing!
* Let them know that they have received this Uber Amazing award by commenting on their blog.
* Share the love and link to this post and to the person you received your award from.
Come back and comment here so that your link could be added to the masterlist of awardees.

Have a good weekend!

22 comments:

darsden said...

Oh Pearl I am sorry to hear you are sick. I can't stand colds I would rather have back surgery than a cold (for Real) Uhmmm it was your "good" friend that came in for your reading that shared that with you! (rem. I was there and she was sick) Hope you are feeling better ASAP.

Pearl said...

Darsden, it mighta been Paula! Or it mighta just been the old Spring cold I used to get on a yearly basis. Either way: Yikes! I'm tired of it!!

The Retired One said...

I had the same flu/cold that you have been struck with...it is GOD AWFUL! And the good (?) news is that it will be your constant companion for the next two weeks or so.
At one point, I was ready to light some candles at some church and just say "TAKE ME...For the Love-of-God, just TAKE ME!"
But The Force has a sense of humor and let me be......
Keep the tissues, cough drops and humor right next to you and you will prevail!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

In case you haven't already, you might also want to remove "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)".

Pearl said...

Retired One, I'm feeling a bit better today but the headache is still there. It's weird.
I am catching up on all my lousy afternoon TV, though...

Pearl said...

iNDefatigable, but I can keep "Dance Like A Monkey", right?!

Jodie Kash said...

My first EVER blog award! Oh...oh…cheese-and-rice…first I think I'm supposed to thank God or Buddha or Yaweh (but I'm betting she’s got her hands full right now, what with the need for clean water and AIG douchbags having their souls sucked away).

I want to thank my brain for the nutty, chewy bits it throws out through hands.

A big thank you and god bless you to coffee.

And most of all, the pearl that is Pearl, for inspiring me to write more than once a week and consistently entertaining me with right-on-riot-grrrl tales.

THANK YOU!

Eskimo Bob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eskimo Bob said...

(Previously posted, but came out all jumbled and weird).

I usually don't push my ideas on people - however. . . wait let me get my soap box.


I threw the soap box away - I think I may have crushed it anyway. I don't know how people used to stand on these tiny cardboard boxes.

Zicam. It's this Q-Tip that already has snot on it, and you rub it in your nose. You don't feel better from the cold, but it stops you from getting more sick.

I guess it's like a flu shot - where you are given the flu before you catch the flu, so you don't get the flu.

Thanks for the shout-out. I knew plagiaristic tendencies would get me somewhere: SUCK IT MR. Takagi!! (7th grade language arts teacher)!!

Michelle said...

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND PEARLY-Q AND I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER LIKE RIGHT NOW!!!!!

SparkleFarkle said...

Oh, Pearlie-sweet, you sound so miserable! Do you have a "tepahture," too? SparkleFarkle's Sick-In-Bed-and-Sick-of-It Advice: Take two of THESE and call HIM in the morning! It wouldn't hurt to have THIS playing softly in your background while recuping, either. As my daughter (when she was a smitch) would say to me when ever I was out of sorts: "Be be better soon!"

IB said...

Hi Pearl,

So, we're supposed to leave interesting AND funny comments?!

DOH!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Hey! Sorry to hear that you're sick... but even when you're sick you come up with such brilliant stories like PSDS?!!
Thanks for the links... fun!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I hope you are feeling much better soon. And PSDS? Never in a million years would I have gotten pierced ears out of that one.

I love your ishuffle predictions, they crack me up!

Jess said...

The court reporters here talk into something...I still haven't figured out quite how it works...and if it is voice recognition how accurate it is. Still looks cool!

Debbie said...

I'm so very sorry you are sick! I hope to hear that you are well soon.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Aww. Thank You!!!

ABC by J5 always makes me move my ass. I could be on death's door...

This here glossary I'm am providing as a service...

BAH A bar, or place that serves alcohol.

BAHBA A barber, or person that cuts hair.

CAH An automobile.

CHOWDA Clam chowder.

CON Corn.

CONNA Corner.

CULLA Color.

ENVIAMENT Environment.

EYEIN Iron.

FOWK Fork.

FRAPP A milkshake.

GRAVY Spaghetti sauce.

JIMMIES Ice cream sprinkles, usually chocolate.

NAKKINS Napkins.

NOTH North. "R" is silent; add nasal sound.

OVA Over; as in "Over the Rainbow."

PACKY A liquor store, or "package" store.

PAHDEE Party.

PISSAH awesome. Usually used with WICKED. As in WICKED PISSAH meaning extremely awesome.

POPCON - popcorn

RAG To exaggerate; tell ragtime stories.

ROTARY A traffic circle or round-about.

SATTADAY Saturday.

SCROD Fish; sometimes haddock, sometimes cod.

SELLA A cellar; or basement.

SELTS The Boston Celtics basketball team.

SHOTS Shorts, as in cut-off jeans.

SNEAKIZ Sneakers; tennis or athletic shoes.

SOX The Boston Red Sox baseball team.

STAHVIN A person that is hungry; "starving."

STAYPUHLA Stapler.

TEMPUHCHA Temperature.

TONIC Soda pop.

UNIFAHM - uniform

WICKED Extremely good.

YAWS Your's; as in "your's truly."

Peace - Rene

Ann's Rants said...

Congratulations, Pearl. Get well soon.

Vic said...

First, and most important, I'm so sorry you're sick, and not just sick, but spectacular sick. And you still wrote a post! You do Minnesota proud.
Second, I always wanted to know how court reporters did all that tippy typing and it came out making sense. It's like magic!
Third (and fourth, because I'm so linear),
Congratulations on your award! And thank you for passing it on to me! I'm especially honored to get one from you- I've always loved your blog. I read it every day, even when I can't comment. Also, you will always have a special place in my heart for being my first follower ever (except my daughter:).

Thanks, Pearl! (Get better :)

Who Me?! said...

Oops, just like me to stop by on your miserably sick day just to say "hi". Sorry, now go get some rest!

Warty Mammal said...

Just when you've lived through spreading one award around, here's another:

http://annecdotally.blogspot.com/2009/03/and-winnah-is.html

Cheers!

Gadjo Dilo said...

Congratulations and get well soon, Pearly! When I was kid I heard people taking about LA (i.e. Los Angeles) and spent many years wondering why I could never find the town of Ellay on any map. True story.