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Thursday, March 26, 2009

I Thought It Would Make Me Feel Better

While I make a lot of noise about eating chocolate – in much the same way that I make a lot of noise about margaritas, daytime television, and tipping 20% – there’s plenty of evidence available to support the theory that I’m talking out my hat.

That is to say, I don’t eat as much chocolate as I’d like to; I probably talk about drinking more than I actually do it (not that I don’t hope to dedicate some time to it this weekend); I both mock and watch daytime television given the chance; and no matter how much I believe in tipping, you absolutely will not get 20% from me if I drink all my water and you never offer to re-fill it.

And yes, I did used to be a waitress.

So I said all of that so that I could say this: I went shopping for pants on my lunch hour yesterday. (After getting through three-quarters of my data-entry nightmare – see yesterday’s post – I thought it would cheer me up.)

Cheer me up?! Silly, silly woman. Pants??? You thought shopping for pants would cheer you up?

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, what did you think of the play?

Pants. The bane of my existence.

I went to Marshall’s, Macy’s, Banana Republic, and finally The Gap, where I found a pair of pants that fit pretty nicely – except that the leg stopped at my ankles.

I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from we call these “floods”, as in “the water has receded, you can un-roll your pants now”.

I will not wear floods.

My request that they find me these pants not in “ANK” length but in “REG” length resulted in a ten-minute foray into the apparently confusing world of their computers and then in them handing me a slip of paper.

The paper said they were pretty sure they have as many as three pairs of “REG” at the Mall of America store.

I am not riding the light rail to the MOA for one pair of pants based on a “pretty sure”.


What’s a short-legged, small-waisted, round-bottomed gal to do?

Oh, sure. A-line skirts you say. Well, why not. I love skirts as much as the next gal, but at roughly $4 a pair for nylons (and here in Minneapolis we do wear nylons three seasons out of four if we want to stay warm), it’s almost like a treat.

Four different stores, 16 different pairs of pants. My chubby little thighs, red with the humiliation of being laughed at by a number of different pant styles and fabrics, cried with the indignity of it all and tried, unsuccessfully, to steer me to a local Dairy Queen.

They failed; and they will continue to fail to get me to walk to the Dairy Queen because it’s that kind of thinking, my friends, that got me into this mess.

Tomorrow: I lighten up a whole lot (having given up on the idea of contentment through trousers) and explain why I’m throwing a Puppy Shower. Until then, I will be over here, flexing and un-flexing my thigh muscles.


darsden said...

Pearl you are so hilarious. I have a similar problem. They are never short enough. I could move a small family into the legs with me. What's a budda belly girl suppose to do? Nylons aren't allowed in the South..too much of a fire hazzard ...instantaneous combustion...sumpin' like that! That why I just stay with shorts

Pearl said...

darsden, I've been south (well, okay, Miami) and there's no way I would wear nylons down there! WAY too hot for this northern gal!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

The old floods...I know them well. I only frequent a couple of stores where I KNOW they have pants that are long enough for me. I refuse to be embarrassed any longer by pants that are too short, and thus, point mockingly at my legs...as if it's their fault.

underOvr (aka The U) said...


I'm sure you would look quite fetching in "floods" (another word from back in the day).

At this point, I ain't giving up my chocolate addiction.


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

"Pants. The bane of my existence."

I wish more women had this philosophy in life.

Eskimo Bob said...



Sing the praises of pants!

Nothing better shows my taste,
than what I wear below my waste.



Sing the praises of Pants!

They help me suck in my gut,
and cover up my butt.

The Pant Association urges you to wear pants at least three times a day.

Dolphins - one of the smartest mammals on Earth - do they wear pants? No! But they wish they did - that's how smart they are!

What keeps our legs all warm and hot?


What prevents a Buffalo Shot?


What they got that I ain't got?


DevilsHeaven said...

I love pants. Yoga pants! That I don't wear to yoga.
Is that wrong?
Have you tried "Lee, right fit"?? They supposedly have all kinds of styles to fit all kinds of women.
Where are Clinton and Stacey when you REALLY need them???

Jodie Kash said...

I have issue with workout togs. I grab daily from a dozen+ pairs of Adidas cropped pants, and look a bit of a dork where black pant meets white skin and cuts to gray Ryka. But given I wash and dry them on a regular basis, and being a tall gal at 5’8 plus, I’d always be in floods.

You’d make a mint designing workable gym clothes for woman, at least women who aren’t quite “there” for the Nike bra top and hip hugger leggy yet.

Lilly said...

Very clever post Pearl. A problem many of us have. I so loved this paragraph. "My chubby little thighs, red with the humiliation of being laughed at by a number of different pant styles and fabrics, cried with the indignity of it all and tried, unsuccessfully, to steer me to a local Dairy Queen."
Strange how they dont make pants for real women.

CSY said...

Oh, I HATE pants! I'm pear shaped...more like VERY round, but whatever! If the pants fit right in the waist/hip area they're too big for my butt (and my butt is HUGE!). And nylons?!?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?!?! Of course growing up in California and the South - I don't even KNOW what those are! GREAT post!

mbuna53 said...

Finding a pair of pants that fits well can be a pain. I should start wearing kilts.

nsiyer said...

Hilarious and funny. You have a way of writing. I am back after a break. Please do visit my blog.

Jeanne said...

I have just the opposite problem -- they're never long enough, especially after they've been washed.

Can you buy capris & wear them as ankle-length pants?

Kavi said...

From where i come from, floods refer to flowing motion that brushes past you !

Now, how do your floods stand to that definition !?!

So much for data loss !

Michelle said...

Pearly-Q how adorable you are!!

How about capri's? Don't laugh, aren't they still in style? Again, your laughing!!

I hate shopping at The Gap for the very reasons you outlined here. They send you all over town for stuff that doesn't exist!!!


Again, your adorable!!!

citizen of the world said...

I found a pair of dress pants a couple of years ago that fit like a dream and bought a pair in black, gray, and brown. I odn't know what I'll do when they give up th eghost and the store has chaged the style. But I alternate them with skirts - thankfully in these parts I can go without tight (I wear them with boots and tights in winter) from April through October.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Pants are just plain evil. The legs of mine always get knotted in the dryer...What are they doing in there anyways?

My pants are always too short...I am 5'10". When I finally do find some I like, I get a bunch to last until the next great pants caper...which I dread.

And don't forget to buy some hats at the after winter sales...

The Retired One said...

Yes! Pants are definitely EVIL.
I am 5'2" on a good day, and every pair of pants has an issue on my body. They are too long, the croch hangs down on my knees, the thighs are too tight, if the hips fit, the waist is too tight...
it goes on and on.
Why is it so difficult?
Why don't men have these issues?
Why God, Why???

Ann's Rants said...

Fucking pants. Bastards.

On a brighter note...the jumpsuit is back! Ahhh..no waistband. Seize the moment, my bloggy friend!

lizspin said...

Recently a blog reader said to me. . . "Your blog makes you sound like an alcoholic. . . but you're not."

Yeah, I guess we talk about some things too much, but are you really a pants hater?????

Pearl said...

Mary, your legs are blameless. It’s the pants that must be mocked.

U, somehow, I envision you as slender. Am I wrong?!

iNDefatigable, between your comment and Eskimo Bob’s, I laughed out loud TWICE. Goofy, goofy people…

Eskimo Bob, that was hilarious! I had no idea that you were working on the Pants Advisory Council.

DevilsHeaven, actually, that’s a great idea. I used to wear Lee’s a lot, and they do tend to fit better for us curvy gals…

Jodie, five eight! That’s pretty tall for a chick! I’m five four (and three quarters, thank you very much) – and when they’re super short on me, who in the world are they cutting these pant legs for?!

Lilly, I just wish they’d make them like they do for men, length and width, only maybe make them length, width, and hip. Would that be too much to ask?

CSY, I’m a bit of a pear myself. And yes, if they fit in the hips, the waist is big enough to smuggle grapefruit…

Nsiyer, glad you’re back!

Jeanne, capris just look like my pants shrunk…

Kavi, oh they mean that here too, especially in northern Minnesota, where the Red River is WAY above flood stage right now and they’re piling up sand bags as we speak…

Michelle, aww. You make me blush! My friend Ma has recommended that I buy from Gap only online, which makes sense, doesn’t it?!

Citizen of the World, I swear if I find my Dream Pants I will do as you do and buy them in a number of colors!

Sweet Cheeks, why are we beholden to these evil items of clothing?!
Oh, and the hats?! Very funny, girl! I had almost forgotten that I spent all winter losing them!

Retired One, I’d happily wear dresses or skirts every day. Nylons don’t even bother me, especially if I can pull the waist up to my ribs! Not having to wear pants is one of the many reasons for loving summer…

Pearl said...

But ANN!! Have you forgotten the no-beer-in-a-jumpsuit rule?!

lizspin, I'm not a pants-hater (but I play one on my blog!).

Eskimo Bob said...

I wish I could take full credit for the Pants jingle: The Pant Association sponsored on of my past blogs - http://eskimoboblives.blogspot.com/2009/03/today.html

That Baldy Fella said...

A puppy shower? Is it easy to get hot and cold running puppies round your way?

Gadjo Dilo said...

A burkha would solve most women's fashion dilemmas, but seriously, come to Britain where "pants" only ever means "underpants" and the variety of leg length is maybe not so bewildering ;-)

ladyfi said...


I do hate it when trousers mock me and jumpers make fun of me... that's why I hate clothes shoppping!

Where I come from, pants are underpants, so I was laughing even harder before I realized I should be thinking trousers rather than underwear.

Pearl said...

I tend not to go "back in time" much, but I had to come back just to laugh at the "pants" thing.

It's right up there with my friend Vinnie's "fags". I know they're cigarettes, but when he says he's going out for a fag, there's just a moment there when I think, whoa! that's inappropriate!

(And we DON'T have hot and cold running puppies, but I wouldn't be surprised to find that somewhere, someone's lobbying for it...)

bettyl said...

You have my sympathy because I also refuse to wear 'high water' pants! I REFUSE to wear any of those weird-named pants that stand for 'we didn't bother to make them reach your shoe tops'. Being 6' tall makes it quite a challenge.