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Monday, March 2, 2009

Area Woman Arrested for Harassing Neighbors

Much has been said – by me, anyway – about my troubles with the alley.

The alley, or more importantly, the 2 feet by 20 feet plot of abused earth bordered by the tarred road on one side and the garage on the other.

I want it to be nice, dammit! I want people to drive down this alley and say to themselves, isn’t this a nice alley? These people really seem to care about their neighborhood.

Because I do, dammit!

But the years have been troubling for the alley; and while I continue to plug in plants that can handle the gravel and heat, I also continue to pull little glass bottles and the odd item of personal clothing from it as well.

Last summer, our neighbor across the alley had a very nice fence put up around his backyard, replacing one that was also quite nice.

On the day in question, the truck that brought the materials for said fence pretty much took up the width of the alleyway.

I was watering the little alley garden when a large middle-aged woman in a “Little Rascal”/motorized cart with a basket on the front came down the alley.

Of course, it was abundantly clear from the beginning of the alley, six houses down, that the enormous truck/trailer had it blocked. I watched her as she came down the alley. She was zipping from one garbage can to the other, lifting the lid, digging a bit, and then moving on. In her cart she had most of a lamp, a number of plastic cups, what may have been a pair of pants, some aluminum cans.

You know. The usual.

And so as she approached my garage and where the truck certainly blocked her path, I expected her to turn around.

Instead, she managed to wedge her Little Rascal between the truck and my garage, a space that would be wide enough only if she drove through the plants.

Which she did. She drove over the plants, her wheels digging into the freshly weeded and watered earth, fully dividing a hasta, the Russian Heather, and a good-sized patch of Bee Balm.

My jaw dropped. Her wheels bogged down as she accelerated through what was turning into mud. The cart pulled through, though, leaving a good rut in its wake.

I’m standing right here! Don’t you see me?

Who drives through a garden?

I picked my way through the devastation. She was now three houses down, about to lift the lid of another garbage can.

“Excuse me,” I called.

She turned around, put the lid down, and tore down the street.

“Hey! You just tore through my garden! Don’t you care?”

She turned around, still at full speed, and hollered what I should’ve seen coming: “Fuck you!”

What? What?! Did she just – she ran over my flowers and now she – what?!

“Fuck me?” I said. “Hey! Fuck you!”

Nice, huh?

And I chased her.

In hindsight, I’m not sure what I was going to do when I caught her, but, also in hindsight, that didn’t come up.

My block is actually two city blocks long, and so by the time I had decided to chase her, she was already round the corner.

I ran, barefoot, and by the time I got to the corner, she had gone a block and was turning down another alley. I hit that alley, and she was now less than a block ahead of me.

I dug my cell phone out of my pocket and in a move that amuses me/concerns me still, pretended to dial and then have a loud and imaginary conversation with the police.

“Yes, 911? I’d like to report a case of vandalism, please. Yes, of course, I can hold, I’ve got her in my sights.

“Yes, 911? I’d like to report a large white gal on a motorized cart. She just ran over my flowerbed and doesn’t care. Yes, yes, you could describe her as a “big girl”, yes.

“You what? You say you have a car in the area? That would be great, yes I’m still chasing her…”

That was, unfortunately, about the time she turned down a freshly tarred/freshly graveled alley.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch, ah shit. New gravel and bare feet don’t mix well.

The gig was up; and as she escaped on rubber wheels, I was forced to stop, panting, in order to pull sharp little bits of gravel out of my feet.

The alley garden – maybe I should tar over it?

p.s. Pearl is infinitely grateful for the fact that she wrote this up while on vacation as Sunday afternoo was a combination of hangover, work, and more hangover. O my.


darsden said...

Oh My Goodness gracies...I am laid out on the floor...I'll be back

darsden said...

Okay, OMG how could see...guess she felt she is entitled because she has a rasscle..F**king B*tch. Well, she'll have a rude awaking next time she tools your alley...
Letmethink..baseball bat...ummm NO too mean...uhmmm...Tacks, hummmmm!
Pearl I can't believe the trouble you are having with trying to plant a lil beauty in the world.
sorry about that. Well, at least your light shines bright...and are you originally from the south? Running all barefoot and chit..girl I don't even go barefoot. ;-) xoxo about your garden, Pearl.

mbuna53 said...

I think you need to line that patch with razor wire. Plant some kind of vine to grow over it, so it does not look so army barracks. But the next person who tries to drive over your plants will get a surprise!

Under the Influence said...

Maybe you should buy some of those "stop sticks" that cops use to throw into the road to stop cars in a police chase! You could use them on this woman and her motorized cart.

darsden said...

This is going like a short story... I would have done the same thing would have chased her down! (but I would have had shoes on)

Mary Moore said...

I'd hire a hit man.

darsden said...

See short story! The neighborhood kids no longer bother our yard, house no longer spray paint crap on the barn...NOPE not since the parents own personal Large pit bull moved into the mole hole. Yup, it comes with "that crazy woman chased me mama" and I did, he didn't start running till I was about 100 feet away. I told he he had better run or I'd send him home with a broken arm, wet pants & crying...LOL haven't seen any of them since!

Scrappy Doo said...

Crap on a Craker. Just who the heck does Mrs. Trash diggin,Rascal ridin, flower killer think she is?! I would have run her over with my 3500 Dodge dually and backed up a couple of times,then we would see who goes a strollin through the alley feelin a sense of entitlement!
Big Pet Peave, don't roll your fat butt through my Yard of the Month and pick up your dog's crap or I am gonna park my horse in your yard!
OK- I seem to have went off on that one, Yes, similar things have happened to me and I just can't stand it!! Sorry:-( BTW
I love how ya wrote it up to darn funny!!!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I can't believe someone would run over a garden. Maybe if it was dirt and they didn't know a garden of plants lay waiting under the soil but to run over an obvious bunch of plants! I'm hindered from saying anything stronger than Freaking Fudge with the kids in reading distance but what's happened to people these days?

Hunt her down, be on the lookout for the next time she comes round. I don't know exactly what you should do but I am sure someone's bound to leave you a good suggestion. I'll have to come back and read it in case my neighbors tick me off (always likely).

Jodie Kash said...

I love how you write. To sum up succinctly, def a new fave.

People never, ever cease to amaze, no?

Pearl said...

Darsden, Minnesota, born and raised! But I do love to go barefoot. That lousy gravel got me, though, even with as tough as my feet can get. (I think I have it figured out, where this woman lives, but have decided that she has bigger issues than being thoughtless. It's a working-class neighborhood, but not a poor one, and what ever reason she is digging through the garbage, I just don't care as long as she doesn't spill it in the alley like a raccoon!)

mbuna, that's a good idea.

under the influence, my son offered to sit on the garage roof with a paint gun...

Pearl said...

Mary Moore, I believe we are now calling them "hit persons". :-)

Darsden, sounds like me and the guy walking his German Shepherd. He left a big pile of poop on the boulevard right in front of my house and I yelled at him, "don't come back here! You hear me? If you're not going to pick up your dog's poop, don't you come back here!" And ya know what? He hasn't!! ha! ha!

Scrappy Doo, you and I are on the same page (see above)!

Blogging Momma Andrea, I'm pretty sure I know where she lives, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that some pretty large woman on a motorized scooter digging through the garbage is not someone I want to tangle with.
Unless she comes back to my flowerbed. I won't lose her again!

Jodie Kash, I'm so glad you like how I write! And people? People are just fascinating.

Jess said...

That bitch! Did her scooter have a flag on it?!? Cause those trip me the hell out!

You should slit her tires and key her...her...seat. With a tiny knife of course...and naturally a tiny key.

DevilsHeaven said...

People are just all kinds of WRONG. Trash picking on a scooter, you can't get more kinds of lazy.

Anonymous said...


I've been thinking about the alley and your flower situation. I might suggest what an elderly woman here does. She is unable to get around and keep a garden, but loves flowers. So her family planted plastic flowers. No upkeep. They stay put and look nice all year. And they're cheap. They would survive a clobbering by the scooter bitch too I'll bet.
Just a thought.
Sending you an e-mail too! :)

Frank said...

Try planting poison ivy! It looks pretty and green and anyone that goes there will be in for a very unhappy surprise. A 12 Gauge Shot gun and rock salt works pretty well too. Fake Phone call, snicker, I have actually done that.

Kavi said...

She did what ?!?!

OMG ! These kinds of people seem to exist all around the world !

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

just amazing how callous and outrageous people can be! I'm so sorry that you had such an experience but running barefoot may have been dangerous! Good thing it was just gravel.
Never mind, she doesn't deserve any more attention, dearie!

Pearl said...

Jess, there was no flag, but there’s a guy about six blocks flying both the US flag and a Minnesota Vikings flag. It’s quite festive. :-)

DevilsHeaven, you know the things in her cart weren’t even of any real use. I mean, yeah, maybe she can rebuild that lamp, but the plastic cups? Those filthy pants?

SweetCheeks, I actually put plastic flowers in the flower boxes on the front of the house in April, just until I can put the real plants in!

Frank, I’m actually thinking of planting snakes. Cobras, maybe.

Kavi, the more I learn, the more I realize that there is yet more to learn.

Roshni, no, there will be no more attention paid to her. Writing the story actually made me look at it again. I think it’s strange of me to have chased her in the first place – like a dog chasing a car, what would I do when I caught her? Anyway, if she’s driving a scooter around digging through people’s garbage, she’s got problems that I can even imagine.
I just wish she’s hadn’t plowed up my garden! (The plants did recover, by the way; and spring will be here in another month!)

bettyl said...

That's just too bizarre. All of it. I hope you come up with a solution soon cuz I wanna hear about it!

Steve said...

You need to buy yourself a "stinger" and rip her tyres to shreds next time she tries to whiz by. Either that or hire a lazer-sight rifle. Hell yeah. Go for option 2!

Douglas said...

So, did the police threaten to arrest you for harassing that poor, disabled, homeless woman who was merely trying to get past the obstacles you heartless and cruel person put in her path?

Pearl said...

bettyl, a solution for the alley rabble. :-) I wish!

Steve, I'm thinking of just letting my son set up the turret on the garage roof like he's suggested...

Douglas, I was waiting for that one! She's not disabled. I've seen her walking before. She drives that thing around just so she can load it up with junk. I'm pretty sure I know which house is hers, too.
I've mentioned this story to the neighborhood folks -- all of whom know her. They think it's hilarious that I chased her -- and didn't catch her!

Michelle said...

What the fuck????

Pearl said...

Michelle, is that for me chasing a woman on a scooter or for some woman on a scooter going through the garbage and driving through my flowers?

fingers said...

Next time pull out your fake 44 Magnum and pretend to shoot her in the back as she flees, Dirty Pearly...

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Hi Pearl,

This is akin to a double-whammy. First, someone steals your plants (behind your back), then someone plows through them in front of you.

I don't like the idea of paving it over. Flowers and plants always give an inspiring meaning to life.

But, "a girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do".


Not The Rockefellers said...

Don't let that little rascle piss in your heather.

You just replant. And replant and replant.

Preferably something thorny. ;P

I'll organize a "hands across the alley" for you to raise money and awareness.

The back alley slaughterings must stop.

Peace - Rene

Joanie said...

flatten her tires. that fat ass could probably use some exercise.

Lisa said...

just the visual is enough...lisa x

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Too bad roses weren't in... a dose of thorns..
Je ne sais pas what I would have done; likely chased her, too. And taken her cans as recompense...

Holte Ender said...

more importantly, did you keep your job?

♥ Braja said...

That was absolutely hilarious, vintage Pearl ;)

Oh, and btw? Get that bitch next time...

JBA said...

The nerve! You should so totally soap all of her windows.

Michelle said...

Pearly-Q you know what thats for and it is a good thing i wasn't there. I would be all over that woman like peanut butter on an apple!!!

Dude i am one bad mother fucker i would kick her ass!!!!

Ok, i'm done. I'm just saying. Usually i run the other way screaming but for you Pearly-Q I am so there!!!

Bring it!!!

Pearl said...

Fingers, I really need to work on my fake arsenal.

underOVR, no, no tar for me. I’m going to keep filling it in back there with hardy perennials. I’m already known as the woman who picks up the garbage in the park, now I’m the woman in the alley…

Rene, hands across the alley to raise awareness? Girl, you crack me up, and that’s no lie.

Joanie, I just don’t understand those motorized carts, you know? It’s not like she can’t walk! I see her around!

Lisa, I like the visual!

Cygnus, je ne sais pas aussi. I chased her without a plan, but it does crack me up that I chased her. What a freak.

HolteEnder, I soitenly did! I have a job!! Twenty-some people were let go…

Braja, I’m pretty sure I know which house is hers. Since last summer, I’ve changed my hair color and cut off over 12 inches – all part of a plan to go deep undercover, infiltrate her social circle, and spread rumors her hygiene or something…

JBA, or perhaps a burning bag of dog poop on her front steps!

Pearl said...

Michelle, ha! We are the Alley Avengers!

Beth said...

Put some lovely penny nails in the garden. The large heads make the pointy ends stick up and puncture tires. Just my thoughts.

Pearl said...

Beth, you have a devious imagination. :-)

Bevie said...

While all the comments of retaliation are amusing, I hope you let it go, Pearl. (And because of the way you write I expect you have.) Dwelling on it will only make you sick.

I know the Minneapolis alleys. Didn't live in one, or explore the garbage cans, but I had a friend who lived in South Minneapolis and another not far off Lyndale Avenue. Even the nicest of those alleys seemed dark to me. I'm glad you plant flowers.

Our neighbors let their dogs (and children) run wild. We don't have a dog anymore, so it's quite upsetting to find the physical evidence of one in our grass.

It seems to me that (in general) the closer people live together the ruder they become, as regards propery anyway. I wouldn't expect the woman to be back. If she's also a Minnesotan, she's going to want to avoid the conflict.

darsden said...

Good Morning Pearl, waiting for today's post. (fingers tapping) Yes, I know I am early been waiting over an hour now...(tapping) anyway, wanted to invite you to yesterday's post. Only to make your eyes bug out and go WTF.
LOL, have a great day! :-)

J'Ollie Primitives said...

Good fences make good neighbors.
'Specially if they're pointy-ended.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I did not see that coming at all. That she actually ran through your garden and then you chasing her down...or trying to. If it wasn't so funny, I'd feel sad for you. :)

CSY said...

The nerve of some people! I am SO glad I live in the country...I don't do well with neighbors. Thanks fo the comment!

Warty Mammal said...

This is a fabulous if frustrating yarn. My condolences to you and the plants! mbuna53's idea of razor wire sounds rather attractive.