In a move that fits perfectly with my split personality/morbid curiosity regarding the soft, pallid underbelly of humanity, what do you suppose I did after three full days without a TV?
That’s right. I’ve planted my butt in front of the deluge of oozy sideshow horror that is afternoon broadcasts.
• I Know I’m Your Husband, But I’ve Been Sleeping With Your Mother!
• I Don’t Think the Baby’s Yours!
• I Agreed to Help You Get a Cell Phone and Now You Won’t Pay the Bill!
• I Lie About My Pants’ Size!
• I’m In Love with a Republican/Democrat/Family Pet!
Why do people keep going on these shows? I mean, if you got a call from the Maury Show, would you go?
Would you say “Hey, honey! The Maury Show called and they’ll pay for us to come out and be their guests! You know, I’ve never been on TV! I think this could be good for us. What do you say? A little vacation?”
Or would you say, hmmm, now what good can come of this?
Or better yet, if you found yourself watching a show where a woman was on her 11th failed attempt (true story!) to find the father of her child, would you say what the hell am I doing watching this?
Oh, well. I can really get a lot of work done during commercials. Give me five straight minutes several times an hour for a couple hours and I can clean the whole house. The dishes are soaking while I’m running the vacuum, there’s a load in the washer and one in the dryer, the toilet-bowl cleaner is percolating in the toilet…
But what am I doing? I’m going to ruin the surprise! Because, as it turns out – and I can hardly believe this is happening to me, it’s all been such a whirlwind! – I”ll be on tomorrow’s Maury!
According to Willie, they want to talk to me about my amazing ability to clean the house in five-minute increments.
This is going to be so cool. I’ve never been to New York City!
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