I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

If The Maury Show Calls…

In a move that fits perfectly with my split personality/morbid curiosity regarding the soft, pallid underbelly of humanity, what do you suppose I did after three full days without a TV?

That’s right. I’ve planted my butt in front of the deluge of oozy sideshow horror that is afternoon broadcasts.

• I Know I’m Your Husband, But I’ve Been Sleeping With Your Mother!

• I Don’t Think the Baby’s Yours!

• I Agreed to Help You Get a Cell Phone and Now You Won’t Pay the Bill!

• I Lie About My Pants’ Size!

• I’m In Love with a Republican/Democrat/Family Pet!

Why do people keep going on these shows? I mean, if you got a call from the Maury Show, would you go?

Would you say “Hey, honey! The Maury Show called and they’ll pay for us to come out and be their guests! You know, I’ve never been on TV! I think this could be good for us. What do you say? A little vacation?”

Or would you say, hmmm, now what good can come of this?

Or better yet, if you found yourself watching a show where a woman was on her 11th failed attempt (true story!) to find the father of her child, would you say what the hell am I doing watching this?

Oh, well. I can really get a lot of work done during commercials. Give me five straight minutes several times an hour for a couple hours and I can clean the whole house. The dishes are soaking while I’m running the vacuum, there’s a load in the washer and one in the dryer, the toilet-bowl cleaner is percolating in the toilet…

But what am I doing? I’m going to ruin the surprise! Because, as it turns out – and I can hardly believe this is happening to me, it’s all been such a whirlwind! – I”ll be on tomorrow’s Maury!

According to Willie, they want to talk to me about my amazing ability to clean the house in five-minute increments.

This is going to be so cool. I’ve never been to New York City!


ICKY said...

If I got a call from the show, I would want to know who's baby I'm having.

Christine Gram said...

You sleep with your husband's mother?!?!

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

I'm like ICKY...except mine would have to be immaculate conception type stuff (Just up Maury's alley!) since I've had a hysterectomy.

MuseSwings said...

I would especially want to know how it is that I am even having a baby. I'll worry about who's it is later.Congrats on your call from Maury - post us with the date and time so we can schedule our incremental housecleaning.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

One of my friend's moms won some strange contest--pumpkin seed spitting or something--and she went on one of these shows.

Well, it turns out, she met some professional sideshow-ers. They travel the circuit going from one show to another, making a little money here or there, and that's their income.

darsden said...

Pearl, I swear I am NOT that babe's daddy. I get called from that dang show all the time. I am almost out of DNA!

I cannot stand those shows they hurt my ears. I stay confused enough I don't need other crap to try to figure out. :-)

Beth said...

They'd probably call wondering if my children were really mine. My children are so smart and nice...

Mary Moore said...

Wow, you are definitely amazing and one-of-a-kind. I bet you can also have someone else's baby in those five minutes too!

kimber p said...

I always threaten my brother that I'm calling Jerry Springer because his life resembles just about any of the guests that Jerry has any day of the week....I moved 20 minutes away just to get away from it..lol

derfina said...

What I find uberfrightening is that I know not one, but TWO families that have been on either that show or the Jerry Springer one.


Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Pearl, I think I love you...

And as for talk shows-- never watch tv, i don't. And there are two things never, ever allowed inside the Swan's lair; Box dinners and talk tv shows.

Other than that, PAR-TAY!!!

Jeanne said...

I have a recurring nightmare that I'll someday see family members on one of those shows....

Fragrant Liar said...

Um, who's Jerry Springer?

SparkleFarkle said...

Is it to late for all Pearl fans to put THIS to good use? I know for certain if Maury gave me a jingle, I'd be on his show titled: "Women Who Stuff Their Bullet Bras with Tube Socks: Are They Really Less Than?"

Eskimo Bob said...

Oooh what a good post; Gives me an idea for a new game. Topics for a Daytime Talk show :

*My wife is sleeping with my clone, and doesn't know it.

*Marza: Interpreter of Dreams and drug induced hallucinations.

*I'm leaving my husband for our Burmese Python.

Braja said...




Ducking Little said...

I don't mean to go all media analyst on you, but I will.. People go on these shows because:

a) Close-knit community support has been replaced with on-screen therapy
b) Everyone craves their 15 min and if their private scandals is all they have to offer, they will offer it
c) They are a little inbred and quite a bit deranged

OK, not so much c, perhaps, but defo the first two.

Which explains why I have a degree in media studies but no TV at the mo..

Ducking Little said...

PS! But if I had one, I'd be watching you on the show!

Lori Anderson Designs said...

I used to watch these shows a LOT more often -- now they get turned on in the bedroom while I'm taking my shower. I can still hear the chants of "JerRY! JerRY!" from there!

SweetPeaSurry said...

Lovely!!! I'll make sure I record tomorrow's eppy!!!

That's how I do housework too. I do things during commercial breaks. It's tough to buckle down and not fast forward through those suckers though I'll tell you that!!!

De Campo said...

As soon as you walk out on stage just pick up a chair and bash it over whoever is closest to you. You wanna get that preemptive strike in while security is lax. You’ll regret not doing it later.

The inherent danger in all this will be how you’re probably on the show to be awarded mother/wife/blogger of the year.

You have to ask yourself; are you a gambling woman?

Pearl said...

ICKY, I’ll be sure to record that one.

Christine Gram, On the next Maury! No, not really.

Janie, they could have you on around Christmas!

MuseSwings, I do stand by the idea of incremental cleaning. :)

iNDefatigable, I’ve always wondered what the percentage of “guests” to “actors” is. Wait – are you talking about people who claim to be sleeping with their MILs or people who insert 10-inch nails into their skulls? Because there’s a big difference there.

Darsden, it’s a shameful secret I keep, the dumb shit I watch on TV. Personally, I think it’s a phase I’m going through…

Beth, Might be the same place I got my boy then!

Mary Moore, babies are perfect. When they’re asleep! I’m not doing that anymore, not at my age, no siree bob. :)

kimber p, ah! We’ve got that over here as well. What is it with people?! I went to a family wedding a couple years back and came out with three fabulous stories in that one evening – and we left at 8:30! It boggles the mind.

derfina, truly? Have you written about that yet? Because I’m dying to hear it! I grew up in a number of trailer parts and have been watching “Cops” for years thinking that someday I would recognize someone…

Cygnus, you sound like a sensible man!

Jeanne, it’s possible, isn’t it?!

Fragrant Liar, are you lying, fragrantly?! If you do not know Jerry Springer, you either a., have too much sense to be bothered with such crap or b., live outside of the U.S.
I’ll have to drop by your place.

SparkleFarkle, I for one APPLAUD the effort put into a bullet bra and would definitely watch that show!

Eskimo Bob, I’m going to need at least three beers to play that game!

Braja, remain blissfully untainted for us. So the limb is twisted, so the tree grows!

Duckling Little, actually, I agree with you. And I wonder what the outcome of that will be?

Lori, it’s background noise most of the time, isn’t it?

SweetPea, glad to meet another efficient worker!

Pearl said...

deCampo, that, sir, is insightful. Shit. I hadn’t thought of that. I was going to go in on the defensive, but I’d totally forgotten how cool I’ve been this last year! Maybe that’s it. Maybe some normal person is going to be awarded for not being a jackass or an intolerant boob for a whole year!
I’ll bet that’s what it is!

Michelle said...

Pearly-Q honestly i didn't even know those sorts of shows are still on the air!!!

Please what time will you be on so i can set my DVR!!! Please make sure to ask Maury to give you 5 minute spots on the show so I can go do my stuff inbetween. You see I like to watch TV for 5 min and then clean for 45 min!!!!


Thinkinfyou said...

Maybe they'll do a DNA test of your toilet water to see if it's really clean.

Under the Influence said...

And don't even get started on Jerry Springer! He's the worst of them.