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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I Think That Stripper Likes You

You’ll find this hard to believe, but I used to date.

I know! I know! But there you have it. Totally true.

In the early 90s, it was my pleasure to have dated a man who came with friends, a number of friends who would have preferred that he be female-free.

Do you know the type? I had stepped on the season of their fabulousness, put a big, high-heeled foot in the middle of their plans for a debauched summer.

As my boyfriend’s birthday approached, they assured me they had it under control. That’s okay – I had a lot going on, so sure! Tell me what I should bring to the party and we’ll see you there, huh?

Hmmm.

I’ve learned a lot since then, primarily that when you let guys like that take over party planning, you’re going to end up averting your eyes.

Shall we skip straight to the averting of the eyes? Because it could’ve been held at any seedy, underground-style bar. There could’ve been any number of people from anywhere in the world wandering around and muttering to themselves in Drunkish.

She was dressed as a nurse. You know, the kind that show up around Halloween: white fish net stockings, a little white cap on her head, a tiny white bra, a tiny white g-string, six-inch white stilettos.

You’ve been to the hospital, right?

Boyfriend was not happy. This was not to say that he didn’t like mostly-naked women. Mostly-naked women was one of his favorite things. But he had a woman. A steak-at-home versus hamburger-out monologue ensued wherein he sought to assure me that a lap-dance from the guys was not what he wanted on his birthday and that he wanted to leave.

I couldn’t stand to see him so nervous.

I approached the nurse.

“Hi. You see that guy over there? His friends have paid for a lap-dance from you for his birthday. But he’s really shy, and we haven’t been dating long…”

“Oh, honey,” she interrupted. “I can be really nice to him if you want.”

“Would you? That’s so sweet,” I said. “You have lovely legs, do you know that?”

The girl blushed and pulled one leg up behind her head in a stunning arabesque. “I was in gymnastics in high school. Went to competitions and everything. Look.”

She did the splits.

“I can see that,” I said. “You’ve got a great body.”

She smiled up at me, still in the splits. “I’ll be really gentle with him, nothing dirty, okay?”

“OK.”

And when the music changed, and they put Boyfriend in the hot seat, this simple, beautifully limbed woman gave one of the cleanest lap dances I’ve ever seen, leaning into him coyly, running her fingers through his hair.

Throughout the performance, she looked to me, giving me the “OK” sign several times, and, in a move that I am still in love with purely for its complete lack of guile, pushed her perfect breasts inches from his embarrassed face, pulled back and winked – at me!

It was damn-near tasteful.

She brushed by me, when she was finished. “How’d I do?” she whispered.

“You were great,” I said.

“Hey – can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” I said.

“I think I should go to school to be a veterinary assistant. Do you think I’d be good at it?”

Even today, it breaks my heart, how sincere she was.

“Absolutely,” I said. “I can see you doing it, too. You’d be great.”



Even today, I hope that she became a veterinary assistant. I’ll bet she’s great at it.

50 comments:

Sandi said...

That was beautiful and heartbreaking. Damn strippers. If they weren't so damn good at whet they do.....

Christine Gram said...

Yikes. Well written, hot post, my dear.

mbuna53 said...

Sounds like the only people that had fun at that party was the boyfriend's friends.

I hope she did become a vet assistant.

darsden said...

Awe...the warm and fuzzy moment at the end got me Pearl. See I knew you really were a Pearl. I wonder where she is at today? You might have just been the inspiration she needed :-) wait till we see you on tv promoting your book, she will re-appear as a local vet. and contribute it all to you!
All the other stuff about the lap dance and all cracked me up as usual!

kimber p said...

I absolutely loved this post...it's a gentle reminder that behind every facade there is a live, breathing, wishing human being. Not everything is as it appears.....

adlibby said...

When I think of how insecure and unsure of themselves some of the ordinary (and extraordinary) women in my life are... I can't IMAGINE what goes through the minds of the poor souls who end up in that particular line of work. I hope she made her way out and is kind to herself when she thinks about those days.

(another great post!)

sdeee said...

haha, I hope she becomes one as well. Would be sad if not:(

Pearl said...

Sandi, thank you for your kind comment. She was definitely good at what she did -- great body, pretty face, a sense of rhythm – but she was a simple girl, you know? I hope she’s happy somewhere!

Christine, thank you! I’m glad you liked it.

Mbuna, you got that right! The Boyfriend at the time was not interested (don’t think he would have even if I WASN’T there) but his friends really dug his being uncomfortable…

darsden, you are so sweet, aren’t you?! Yes, I hope she’s become something that made her happy. I hope she has a family and children and a nice little dog. She was much too sweet to be there…

kimber, I’m glad you liked it. We struggle, every day, to recognize the humanity in others…

adlibby, that’s a very good point. I hope she IS kind to herself about her days as a dancer/stripper/whatever the job was that required her to wear next to nothing.

Pearl said...

sdeee, I hope she is a happy woman somewhere...

Daisy said...

So sweet! Good old girls solidarity- there is still some out there at least. Hope she's tending to wounded paws somewhere now.

Sticky (not too) said...

That was a beautiful story. Just goes to show what happens when you pay attention to people...you are a good person.

Pearl said...

Daisy, I hope so, too!

Sticky, that's very kind of you. I just wanted her to see that the man she would be dancing for had a girlfriend and a life to return to after the party. She was the one who made the night not so bad after all!

Frank said...

WOW! Mystery, intrigue, and an ending that almost brought a tear. I sure didn’t expect that.

In my line of work, vendors try to take me to strip clubs all the time. I ALWAYS politely decline. Usually, someone in their party has a look of disappointment that tells me it was more for them than me anyway.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

One of my friends in grad school was getting married. His wife was...I dunno how to describe it...prudish falls so short. But, anyway, when bachelor party time came around, I was allowed to go but couldn't do any planning.

We ended up watching a documentary about carnie folk. And then we watched my friend Asian Jim choke down a piece of pickled bologna. And then we went home.

It was, perhaps, the saddest day before someone gets married in the recorded history of mankind.

SweetPeaSurry said...

That is the cutest story. Little stripper going on in life to become a vet asst. Fookin' adorable!

Holte Ender said...

I took my cat to the Vet last week. I know that stripper.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Wow! So nice of you!! Usually any GF would want to rip the other girl's eyes out... shows what you can achieve by being nice to people!!

Debbie said...

That is heartbreaking. I so hope she took your kindness to heart and pursued her dreams.

ICKY said...

She was good looking, but my girlfriend at the time was beautiful, and so much more.

Did I ever thank you for that?

Kavi said...

A vet assistant ! Well, that was some aspiration to somebody who did gymnastics !

i hope she indeed became one !

Lovely post

Jess said...

And no doubt the dogs enjoy lap dances too!

And by the way...your title totally grabbed me and forced me to read. You put "stripper" or "pole" or "lap dance" or "beer" in any part of a sentence, or better yet in the SAME sentence, I am HOOKED!

Kell said...

man, that was such a great post. luckily, my boyfriend's cavalcade of friends embrace my party planning skills and I've never had to deal with this situation! haha. But I hope she did become that vet assistant!

Red Squirrel said...

She sounds almost over-qualified. Plus it would make having the skin lacerated from your hand by a cat deeply unhappy at having a thermometer rammed up its bottom an almost pleasant experience....

Steve said...

I can dress as a dog if you can get me her phone number... I'm good with needles too. Not so great with thermometers... but you did say she was gentle, right?

Suzy said...

Strippers are people too. At least I'm pretty sure they are.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Oh, gosh Pearl. You're just a stripper whisperer. You tapped right into that girl's self esteem and gave her a gift. That's what you did.

"The Stripper Whisperer"
That's your story Pearl, go write it.

Peace - Rene

Beth said...

I have a couple of mothers who are strippers. Thanks for the reminder of their human-ness (is that a word?).

Joanie said...

You are a good sport! You didn't freak when your boyfriend's friends got the stripper. You were nice to her and she turned out to be an ok gal! I hope she did become the vet assistant.

Jeanne said...

For my husband's 21st birthday, some friends took us to a strip show. (It wasn't a club, more like a burlesque, only no comedians.) It was the most depressing thing I think I've ever seen. Most of the girls had zero dancing talent and so-so bodies and one of them had her hair in pigtails tied up with yarn ribbons. It made me want to slash my wrists.

I'm glad you were nice to her!

Ann's Rants said...

I was all set to just read and not comment, cause I'm so damned tired. But dammit, Pearl you broke my heart a little with this one too. Your approach was freaking brilliant, and your empathy, and all tied up in your perfect brand of comedy. You rock.

Pearl said...

Frank, I aims to please.

iNDefatigable, what?! Are you saying you didn’t LOVE that piece on the carnie people?!

SweetPea, it’s a made-for-TV movie, innit?

Holte Ender, there’s a terribly tasteless joke in there somewhere, I just know it…

Roshni, I hadn’t thought of that. Now if he had expressed any interest in that girl, that would have been a completely different story!

Debbie, I hope she did, too.

ICKY, I’m sure you did!

Kavi, I hope so, too. She was not suited to what she was doing.

Jess, Now I know what to get you for your birthday!

Kell, I hope she did, too. (And those friends were pretty skeevy, looking back…)

Red Squirrel, Are you suggesting that somewhere there’s a vet asst dressed in six-inch white stilettos?!

Steve, if she’s still dressing like that, with you in a dog suit, we’ve got the start of a stag film that’ll show up at the next bachelor party The iNDefatigable mjenks goes to!

Suzy, she definitely looked human!

Rene, I want to be the Cesar Milan of strippers! (And is he not just the cutest thing? Or am I the only one with a crush on Cesar?)

Beth, thank you. That was a lovely compliment.

Joanie, I hope she did, too. She seemed like a good person.

Jeanne, ah, yes. I’ve actually seen something similar. I actually left the room to go to the back to play PINBALL. Those poor girls.

Pearl said...

Ann, thank you. I'm glad you commented!

De Campo said...

I guess my friends old line of “what? I’m supporting her education!” isn’t that outlandish. Who knew he was such a patron of veterinary medicine?

Mary Moore said...

Definitely a vet assistant, especially with large farm animals.

fingers said...

People used to give me funny looks when I was working my way through Med School as a Calvin Klein underwear model.
Who's laughing now though, eh...

Pearl said...

De Campo, oh, that IS lovely. :-)

Mary Moore, well she’s had all that training!

fingers, you’re a lucky man, fingers.

Pearl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

That has to be the sweetest item about a stripper that I have ever seen. Did that boyfriend know how effing lucky he was that you were there? And that THIS is the memory you took away from the evening, not that you were pissy about your date getting a lap dance??

Lilly's Life said...

Aww funny how we make assumptions about certain types of 'workers' I guess. She was good at her job and would be good at whatever she wanted to do. Thats for sure. That reassurance you gave her may just have been what she needed to hear. Good on you. We should never judge nor jump to conclusions.

By the way lots of people have had trouble with Blogger and Followers. I found this on another blog - it maybe of interest.

To fix the Follower issue, go to Dashboard. On the left you will see "Manage". Click on that. To the right of each blog if you see "Anonymously" against any blogs you are following, you need to change it to "Publicly." It often reverts to Anonymous for some strange reason. Now you will appear on that person's blog. I imagine they have to do the same to reappear on your blog.

Lisa said...

god thats a great post !

Michelle said...

Pearly-Q wow this was a great post!! Full of stuff that makes you really feel like you were "there".

Your stripper sounds like a special gal!!! And she winked at YOU!!!! COOL!!!!

Pearl said...

Lisa, thanks!

Michelle, well, gosh, look at me!! What stripper doesn't want a piece of me?! :-)

You know I'm a smrt ass, right?!

jackba said...

Heck I can't even remember what strippers look like, much less a lap dance from one....Hey Icky? Can I have one for my birthday? Promise?

Pearl said...

jackba, they look like regular women only they're a lot friendlier. :-)

Ducking Little said...

What a sweet post! I hope too that she followed her dreams, who knows, it's a better way of saving up than working in McD! And also, I see no conflict between doing gymnastics and becoming a vet asst. Being cute and bendy doesn't mean you're dumb..

Pearl said...

Duckling Little, I agree that cute and bendy (I like that) doesn't mean "dumb". She was a sweet girl, and I hope she went to school and that her "dancing days" are all just a memory now...

Blicky Kitty said...

Crap, see you just went and corrupted Blicky with that post. Now he'll be couching up furballs, small toys, revolutionary war era ammo fragments --- any malady he can invent in hopes of somehow, somewhere finding that veterinary assistant.

Pearl said...

Blick Kitty! :-) I love it.

Ulyana said...

I cannot stop laughing!!!!!!!

Cairo Typ0 said...

Visiting from BPOTW.

I used to be the only wife/gf in a big group of guys so i TOTALLY feel you. I had to be one of the guys for years which included the stripper scenarios. Naturally once we moved all their gfs showed up. *pout* So annoying!

I hope she became a vet. :)