I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, February 20, 2009

I Do Love The Open Road

I’m home from my vacation! And while I do not work today and therefore did not take the bus this morning, I have nevertheless, in that special/anal retentive way I have, decided to stick with the idea that the songs playing on my iPod during my commute will somehow predict my weekend.

O Eternal Shuffle! Tell me what my weekend holds in store!

McFearless by Kings of Leon
Jump Into the Fire by Harry Nilsson
Psychotic Reaction by The Count Five
Dance for Me by Southern Culture on the Skids
Mr. Brightside by The Killers
Super Bon Bon by Soul Coughing
Black Soul Choir by 16 Horsepower
Amos Moses by Jerry Reed

There it is, the length of a typical walk to the bus and its subsequent commute.

What to make of it? How should I know? What do I look like? A gypsy?

My time away has been relaxing and productive. Not only is the first draft of my book 85% done (I could show you the calculations) I’ve also gleaned the following wisdom on the drive to and from my little vacation.

Take from it what you will.

• Four large cups of coffee prior to a road trip is always a bad idea, even if you have gone to the bathroom just before leaving.

• The Holiday Gas Station on 35 just outside of Hinckley has a leaky tap in the women’s bathroom that will cause you, if you are “full bladdered” to do an elaborate and stylized dance before you can pull it together enough to get your pants down. I call this dance “Moments from Disaster”, but I trust we all have our own names for it.

• There will always be, no matter how many lists you’ve made, the suspicion somewhere in your brain, once you’ve left the house, that you’ve forgotten something. This is to be expected and embraced. First, imagine you’ve forgotten the most important thing, like directions to where you’re going or your laptop. Realize that you’ve got them with you. Next, imagine you’ve forgotten the least important thing, like galoshes or a rectal thermometer. Realize that you need neither of those things and may have needed this vacation more than previously suspected.

• My car, an eight-cylindered Thing of Beauty from another era, does 65 MPH very well but does not seem to like doing 70. Every single time I tried to hold it at 70 I looked down moments later to discover I was doing 78. (I love those big engines.)

• James Brown is excellent driving music and can lead to lip synching, car dancing, and what I choose to believe are appreciative (rather than judgmental) glances from other drivers.

So! I’m home now, and am off to unpack, hunt down/hug/kiss my friends, in that order.

It’s good to be home!

30 comments:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Oh. My. God.

Someone else who appreciates and listens to SCoTS.

Awesome.

Oh, and welcome back.

mbuna53 said...

SCoTs are awesome! Got any Corn Liquor?

I hope that someday when I am driving down the road I see you driving the other way while you are listening to some James Brown. That would be a sight to see.

Get down sister!

kimber p said...

now you're gonna make me look up SCoTS..I'm always on the hunt for new things to listen to :)

darsden said...

I want a picture of your car rotflmao!
You were a busy girl on your vacation 85% wow!
I have had a few "panic" attacks on a road trip thinking I forgot something, only to fined by the end of my trip.
Sorry, your trip wasn't as long as Braja's LOL!

Braja said...

Give that Liza Bean Bitey a little kiss for me would ya Pearl?

Smores for Breakfast said...

I love that you let the shuffle decide your day. bravo.

Not The Rockefellers said...

This post was a perfect little nugget of glee.

First off - Super Bon Bon? Soul Coughing? I thought I was the only one on the planet that still listened to this song ( and sung aloud to my husband, in heavy traffic to urge him to "let the man go through") I love you for this!!!

Secondly check out Mike Doughty's album "Golden Delicious". Righteous.

Finally, the bladder thing. Oh yeah! I have done my share of interpretive dance in many service station bathrooms.

You Rule, Pearl!

Peace - Rene

Sandi said...

I know that dance in the bathroom well! Thanks for making it so funny!

Eskimo Bob said...

Welcome back - that's exciting news about your book. One of my high school friends just got news that he is going to be published in 2010. Thanks for giving us the "table scraps" ;)

Sassy Sundry said...

Good God! Now I have James Brown going through my head. I rather like that.

I hate the "I really, really have to pee right now" dance. I'm sorry you had to perform it.

Pearl said...

Have I ever been as relaxed as I am right now? Yes, but it involved a certain prescription (not my own) handed out at a party years and years ago that left me feeling like a large and amenable rubber band.

I have been reading the comments, and you guys really crack me up. I know I don’t say it enough, and when I do we’re using well into a 12-pack or something, but I love you guys.

The iNDefatigable mjenks, I do love Southern Culture on the Skids! Their lyrics make me happy.

Mbuna, Aside from car dancing, I also couch and chair dance – and no, before someone beats me to it – I’ve never “lap danced”.
Carry on.

Kimber, I think you would enjoy Southern Culture on the Skids. Good voices, good music, occasionally amusing lyrics. I can recommend them!

Darsden, I could post one, but then everyone will want one!

Braja, you’d think she would’ve missed me, wouldn’t ya? But no. It’s all “tell Braja…” this and “hey, next time you talk to Braja tell her…” that.
And yes, I will kiss The Bitey for you.

Smores for Breakfast, and lest anyone think I’m superstitious (see yesterday’s post, ha ha) I personally can twist just about anything into a “sign”that everything’s going to work out. What can I say? I’m a highly ambiguous chick.

Rene, I suspected you would dig the song list!
I perfected my version of the interpretive dance back in the 80s when pants were so tight that you had to lay down to zip them up. Remember dancing yourself silly and then trying to get those things off once you were good and hot/sweaty?! Good times!
p.s. I’m going to check out the “Golden Delicious” album!

Sandi, I suspect that we all know a version of that dance… Wait. Do men do that, too? Or is it just women?

Eskimo Bob, hey! Long time! And no table scraps for you, just prime cuts!

Sassy Sundry, James Brown is also perfect for house work (especially if you have hardwood floors you can slide across).

J'Ollie Primitives said...

There is a woman who rides her bike listening to her iPod and singing along with her head bobbing and her car-dance-on-a-bike thing goin' on.
The first time I saw her I seriously thought she was having a Parkinsonian episode and might need some medical attention. Nope. She was bike-dancing.
She too loves the open road and could obviously give a rat's ass about the drivers passing her by. Or what they think of her.
Wonder what's on her iPod?
Welcome back!

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

hooray your home! thanks for sharing sister!! glad you had a good time...and i call it the "pee pee" dance :)

IB said...

I can't decide between Nilsson or Count Five. Looks like I'm gonna have to download both.

Welcome back, Pearl!

IB

Pearl said...

J’Ollie Primitives, I fear I may have become that woman, and yet what fun!

Mouthy Irish Woman, it is GOOD to be home. How can I miss something until I leave it first, eh?! (I actually witnessed two gals in a bathroom at a local bar just a couple weeks ago, not only DOING the pee-pee dance but laughing hysterically and referring to it as such – hey, you weren’t in Nordeast Minneapolis a couple weeks ago, were you?!)

IB, I love them both. They’re both pretty old but they work SO WELL in a mix!

SparkleFarkle said...

Welcome home! When ever anybody gets "back," I am reminded of a friend's hard of hearing, live-in Grandma Dorn. As my friend tells it, when he was a kid just getting home from school, the screen door would slam after him as he'd call out his arrival to his granny: "I'm bone, Can of Corn!" (instead of "I'm home, Grandma Dorn.") "Can of Corn" always answered him from the kitchen, never recognising the jumble!

Pearl said...

SparkleFarkle, I got a kick out of that. :-) Reminded me of my friend David, whose grandmother, an eccentric woman from Czechoslavakia would tell you, when you asked for him on the phone, "David is not here. David is under the sky, in his pants".

David was not nearly as interesting as his grandmother!


"when you see David, tell him to swim home"
Pearl

Ian Lidster said...

Welcome back and coffee before a drive is always a bad thing, and increasingly so for me as time goes by.
James Brown is good for driving and so is Jimi Hendrix, especially in a convertible with the top down. The Beach Boys, however, are the best top down music of all.

Lori Anderson Designs said...

I love The Killers.

And a mega giant iced tea will go through you quicker than spit.

Snooty Primadona said...

You have excellent taste in music & thanks for the tumble down memory lane with Chain Reaction.

Thanks for the James Brown tip. It freaks people out when they see a 56 yr old woman singing into her thumb microphone when stopped at a light or on the open road. So, that's a great tip.

Every time I go on a road trip I have that gnawing little "What did I forget? Prep H? Old Fart Pils? What?", but I still never remember until I arrive... oops! Too late.

Lisa said...

the 'pee' dance
yes, i know it well xx

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Aye, we males have our own version. Usually involving button-flies when the expected zipper is not there..

Stephen Rader said...

Jerry Reed's AMOS MOSES - - God, I knew I loved you! That is one of my favorite songs ever!

I'm not sure what it says about your weekend. Unless you're going croc hunting at some point... :)

Joanie said...

Welcome back.

As usual and this is with everyone here who lists their iPod music, I did not recognize one song on that list. It's me. I'm truly getting old.

More proof of my aging body, I know that dance of desperation all too well. I do it every time I need to use the bathroom. Depends have become my friend.

Lilly's Life said...

Welcome back Pearl. How did the writing go?

Pearl said...

Ian, you are on to something re: the Hendrix. I’d like to add “early” Zeppelin to the list.

Lori, good taste, you!

Snooty, I’m glad you enjoyed it. I love when music I dig shows up somewhere unexpectedly!

Lisa, it’s a common dance, I’m finding out!

Cygnus, I’m glad to hear that. I never know about men. Mysterious creatures.

Stephen, HA! I’m so glad you said that! I can lip-synch the hell out of that song; and one day – one day! – it will pop up on karaoke and I’ll be the one that sings “Amos Moses” at the Vegas Lounge.

Joanie, thank you! Don’t feel bad about the songs. A couple I’ll bet you’d recognize and a couple are kind of off-the-beaten-track.

Lilly, hello! Thank you. It went well. I’ve got roughly 85% of the first draft done. I hate writing it, but I love fixing it. Honestly, I’ve never tried to write a book before, and it’s been an excellent experience. Speaking of which, if anyone has any idea of what I do next…

Kavi said...

I thought you were just going on a trip. and is it already over !?!

Oh boy

Michelle said...

WELCOME HOME PEARLY-Q!!!

The Killers - Mr Brightside your going to have an amazing bright weekend!!!

I am anxiously awaiting your book to be written and published so i can get my signed copy!!!!

Jeanne said...

I've found that "Radar Love" and "Bolero" are bad choices for driving -- the intensity ramps up so sinuously you don't realize that you're pressing on the accelerator at an equivalent pace until the blue lights start flashing and you're not in K-Mart.

Pearl said...

Kavi, ah, come now! Americans don’t take vacations. They store their lousy three weeks a year just in case they need them some day. Or maybe that’s just me…

Michelle, and you will get one, honey! Would like to see one myself!

Jeanne, ooh, good point, really.