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Friday, February 6, 2009

Here – The Cops Want to Talk to You

Hey Kids! It's Forensic Friday, wherein I use my iPod to divine my future. Scary stuff!

From the time I left the house until I settled in at my desk today, I've rolled the bones (iPod is set on shuffle) and here it is: My immediate future.

Super Stupid by Funkadelic
Saturday Fantastic by Diamond Nights
Are You Experienced by Jimi Hendrix
Truckers Atlas by Modest Mouse
Respect Yourself by The Staple Singers
Black Soul Choir by 16 Horsepower
Aja by Steely Dan
On Call by Kings of Leon

Hmmm. Sounds like fun!

You know, there are many things, not just iPods, that get used in ways that were never intended by the manufacturer; so today, we’re gonna talk about tools.

Today’s tool? The cell phone (or, in my desire to become bilingual, the “mobile”).

And here you thought I might be talking about another kind of "tool". Not true, and I take exception to your thinking so! I’m an upright and modest citizen, a woman without a dirty-minded bone in her whole body and I thoroughly resent the idea that - that – aw, crap. I can’t do it. I can’t lie to you people.

Let’s start over.

The woman across from me on the bus yesterday morning sat with a phone held to her ear for the full ride in to the city. Cell phone plastered to the side of her head, she was silent the whole time. Never said a word.

Twenty minutes (or so) of nothing. Seriously nothing. No expression. No “uh-huh” or “no way”. She didn’t nod her head or roll her eyes or give any indication that there was anything going on at the other end.

Could this be an example of the cell phone used as an avoidance tool?

Another possible use of the cell phone: defense. I’ve used this myself, although, in hindsight, surely this kind of thinking qualifies me for a handicapped sticker on my car?

I refer specifically to the late-night, walking-home-alone-but-I’m-not-alone-if-I-have-my-cell-phone-with-me trick.

Really, it’s a pretty lousy trick.

The idea is that no one could possibly attack you if you’re on the phone, right? Because by yelling, “Hey! Stop that!” the person on the other end of the call would somehow be able to help you defend yourself?

The strangest part of that is that I have actually done this with no one else on the other end. That’s right – my idea of self-defense is to pretend that I’m on the phone with someone!

“Oh, hey, Killer! No, no, I’m just walking home – oh, you can see me from your window? And you’re what? You’re ready to go all Jack-Bauer on anyone who tries to hurt me? Oh, Killer, no one would be dumb enough to attack me when you’re just moments away!”

Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you! Have you ever heard of anything so ludicrous?

Wait. Is it possible that the woman on the phone on the early-morning, we’re-all-just-commuting-to-work, nothing-to-worry-about-here bus was actually on the phone, not in avoidance, but in an attempt to defend herself?

Every day, there’s something new to consider.

39 comments:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I like the term "mobile" much more than "cell phone."

Pearl said...

I do, too, actually. Far more descriptive.

Mary Moore said...

I have done all of the above. Yup. Avoidance, defense, you name it. My "mobile" is my best friend!

Bella@That damn expat said...

I've done that too! Walking down a dark alley, yelling into the phone and hoping it doesn't ring.

The Retired One said...

Holy shit! An epiphany just happened for me. I'm gonna do it in church this Sunday and pretend that God is talking to me (and only me!)
Just WAIT until those other church goers do then. Jealousy is so unchristian.

darsden said...

Wondering have you ever been doing the I'm on the phone trick and your phone ring on you? I was watching that chic this morining on the bus and was really hoping it would ring..kept sayin' to myself, just ring, go on ring! LOL

Toivoa ja Elämän said...

hahaha i do that as well, I call my Service Balance so that no one can actually call and get through and show that i'm actually not on the phone; my idea is that any possible attacker would think a person on the other end of the line could lke, hang up and call the police. or something
lol i don't know

Vic said...

I think maybe the lady on the bus was listening to a message from the mother ship.

Pearl said...

Mary, I love that you're incorporating "mobile" into your day. Next up: "boot"! (Rather than "trunk")

Bella, I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only goof out there. :-)

Retired One, tell God I say "hey"!

Darsden, O, I'm ahead of that one! I turn it on vibrate first, just so in case it DOES ring and I have a REAL person to talk to that I can just pick it up. See? I'm always thinkin'!! :-)

Pearl said...

Toivoa, that's just good thinking. :-) Funny how we've all been using our mobiles as defense mechanisms....

Vic, oh, that could be. :-)

Irish Gumbo said...

Doh! Vic beat me to the "mother ship" comment!

So let's see: Funkadelic, Hendrix and Kings of Leon*...Pearl, you are trying to seduce me, aren't you? :)

*and 'wienie water soup'

Under the Influence said...

Too bad cell/mobile phones aren't bigger - then instead of talking into them as "defense" we could acutally use them as a weapon! Maybe the next "razor" phone will actually have a blade. Hey, I think I am onto something...

Ann's Rants said...

It used to just be actors practicing monologues and crazies, now everyone talks to themselves outloud in public.

IB said...

I LOVE shuffle. On mine this morning:

Hell's Bells-AC/DC
Hash Pipe-Weezer
Look Around-Blues Traveler
Goin To California-Zeppelin
Tempted-Squeeze
Bell Boy-The Who

Good times!

IB said...

Oh, and I like to use my "mobile" to get me out of boring meetings and conferences. I pick it up, (like it's on vibrate)and I do the index finger in the air thing (I'll just be a minute, please excuse)and I walk out of the room with the phone up to my ear saying, "yeah, you got IB,. what's up?" Works every time.

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Wow Pearl!

You wuz "all up in that woman's bizness". Me thinks it's a good thing I'm not commuting in the Land of Lakes.

Unfortunately, the old "I'm on my cellphone and 911 is quite responsive to me ploy" became passe when the shorty's grew into "Hood Rats". They are particularly fond of cells with a camera allowing them to "film" their works.

Another entertaining post, have a great weekend Pearl.

underOvr

Jess said...

As much as I am on the phone with people, like the IRS or Social Security (not for myself, work related) I am going to venture she was on hold. I am on hold for no less than 20 minutes with Social Security every. time. I. call. them. I hate government offices.

Pearl said...

IG, my parties always have a great music mix, if I do say so myself!
And yes. Yes, I am trying to seduce you.

Under the Influence, I'm surprised that hasn't been made an option yet. Maybe something that shoots pepper spray or blue dye to identify the !@#$3ers.

Ann, and sometimes I'm one of them! Oh, dear...

IB, nice shuffle! Know all of them. Is "Hash Pipe" catchy or what?
I used to have a boss that would lean toward me on his way to a meeting and say "I'm sure there will be an emergency in 30 minutes". That was my cue to walk into the room in 30 with a post-it, all serious-faced. He would take the post-it, nod grimly and then stand. "Gentlemen." And he'd walk out, down the hall, get a drink, go to the bathroom, stretch his legs...

Irish Gumbo said...

*spittake* (OMG, what do I do NOW? Dude, just act all cool and stuff): Well, allright, how you doin? (grin)

De Campo said...

You convinced me to partake in this black magic voodoo and peer into my crystal iPod.

Being-in, Disposedness I – Prof Hubert Dreyfus

How do I get my UC Berkley philosophy lectures off shuffle! Arrgh! I'm a being-towards-death this weekend!

Thanks for ruining everything Pearl.

Douglas said...

I am highly disappointed in your music choices. No Louis Prima/Keely Smith, no Big Mama Thorton, no early Nat King Cole Trio, no... I can't go on. I am crushed.

ICKY said...

Pearl you dork, the pepper spray you recieved as a gift from some wonderful person has blue dye in it.

Pearl said...

IG, would you beieve I'm blushing?!

De Campo, surely there's a remedy for that? I recommend a quick shot or two of Descartes.

Douglas, I have Louis Prima! And hmmm, Big Bad Voodoo Daddies, Buddy Rich, Duke Ellington, Tin Hat Trio, Stan Getz, Combustible Edison...
The shuffle sees all, Douglas. One cannot question the shuffle. Uncrush yourself, my friend.

The shuffle knows. Mwa ha ha ha haaaaa!

Pearl said...

Dagnab it, Icky! Get outta my head!

Irish Gumbo said...

LOL Take a pic, this I want to see :)

Pearl said...

IG, maybe they things like digital cameras and whatnot in your neck of the woods. Here in the Great Midwest we're still carving likenesses out of apples...

Lacey said...

I do that all the time! What's really embarassing is when you're using it for avoidance (say, while taking out the trash and not wanting to talk to your nosey neighbors), and then it rings.

So you have to answer with something like, "Yeah, I was wondering what was going on, you were breaking up there a bit at the end but I figured, hey! That always happens when you go under the bridge soooo... yeah, anyway, continue on!"

And the person on the other end is like, "What on earth are you talking about dude?" but you can't tell them because your nosey neighbor is now following you around trying to be all nosey and whatever. Not cool.

Pearl said...

Lacey, it sounds like you're pretty cool under fire though. The ability to adlib cannot be stressed enough!

Susan said...

Does it make your head hurt to think so well? I wouldn't know...I lurve your posts.

fwengebola said...

No House music, I see.

Douglas said...

You are forgiven, Pearl. I do not do the Ipod. I do, however, have a random function for the CD player in my car which plays MP3 CDs. It does know what I want, it somehow plays the songs I need to hear at any given time. It is a bit eerie.

Bee said...

One nice thing about the mobile (as opposed to cell) is you get to abbreviate it to mob.

Mob is a word of possibilities!

(Very intrigued by mysterious female mob user, btw. Are you likely to encounter her and her mysterious mob using ways again?)

Jeanne said...

Good idea -- it might help me believe I'm actually getting something for the money I'm shelling out every month!

Michelle said...

Pearly-Q i am so sorry but i have nothing to say here because i am thinking about the TOOL!!!

That you mentioned!!! That you avoided!!!!

Happy FRIDAY!!!!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

This is something that I can't get across to my youngest who is in college. She likes to talk on the phone when she is walking alone. I have explained numerous times that the other person will not be able to help her and by being on the phone she is distracted from her surroundings. UGH!

Pearl said...

Susan, thank you. 

Fwengbola, Hey! No, no house. Think the closest I get is LCD Soundsystem. Is that house?

Douglas, I’ve noticed that, too. I love when Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young come on on a Monday morning. I always find that fitting.

Bee – mob. I like that. Like “mobe”? No, never saw her before, but I’ll be watching. We’ll see what happens. I’ve got all the time in the world.

Jeanne, it’s a handy tool!

Michelle, and I thought I’d hear a lot more about my use of the word “tool”.  There should be some sort of prize for you!

Kavi said...

Have you heard of 'missed calls' ? I'll let you know soon. Will post on that...!!

As an object of self defense..being mobile can come handy. I mean, being fit to run and give those olympic sprinters some competition !

Braja said...

You know, I tried to do that cell phone as a diversional tactic thing once, and held it to my ear, only to have it ring. How dumb.

Red Squirrel said...

I once sat next to someone on a train (many moons ago) who was talking loudly into his mobile for about an hour.

Suddenly the conductor came up and asked him if he could possibly borrow his mobile to call the emergency services as someone in the next carriage had had a heart attack.

Cue my neighbour sheepishly admitting that it wasn't a real mobile phone. He got off at the next station. I think would've done too... :)