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Friday, January 30, 2009

Wherein The Hat Is Found

You know, it’s occurred to me in, oh, the last three days or so, that I’ve written an awful lot about clothing. New clothes this, hat that, and now this! Another blog about that damn hat? You gotta be kidding me.

No, I’m not kidding you. But you know what I’ve decided? Today’s blog?

Absolutely free.

So back to my hat!

As you may or may not have read in a previous posting, I recently lost my second hat in less than a month.

What could I do? I scratched my head, I frowned. I muttered various complaints. Nothing worked, however; and my hat remained lost.

So what do I do when frowning and muttering don’t work?

Yoga.

And I was sitting there, in my yoga pants and my yoga top, diggin’ the yoga music and getting myself in a yoga frame of mind, when Amy sat down next to me.

“Did you lose a hat?’

“What?”

Amy is a very patient person. “A hat,” she said. “A red hat. Did you lose one?”

“Yes! I did!”

“I thought I recognized that hat,” she muttered. She turned to me. “I’ll take you to it, after yoga.”

What? She’ll take me to my hat? What is this?

Is my hat in trouble?

But it was too late to grill Amy on what kind of shenanigans my hat may be up to; and we spent the next hour and some pushing ourselves into interesting and sweat-producing shapes.

Amy, by the way, does a kick-ass “crow pose”; and if you ever run into her, you should definitely ask to see it.

Let us skip all of that, though: the poses, the sweat, the inevitable “om” at the end.

Let’s fast-forward to the walk to the car.

Because there, on a post in the parking lot, is my red hat.

I would like to tell you that I forgive her for running away and making me worry, that the slight stains on her brim do not smell like alcohol. I would like to tell you that I did not notice the group of young caps slinking down the street, their jaunty price tags flapping in the January wind, or the one at the back who kept turning around to look at her one more time…

Oh, what the hell. I took her home. I’ll have her cleaned.

All is forgiven.

And THAT, my friend, is what we call both a happy ending and a Friday post.



p.s. I know I said “happy ending”. Take it away, baby! Have a good weekend!

p.p.s.: Eskimo Bob has asked me to guest blog. As a fellow denizen of the Great White North, how could I say no? Pop over if you have time!

28 comments:

Brother Tobias said...

A post on a hat on a post? Glad you got her back!

Ann's Rants said...

I'm familiar with the hat-on-a-post phenomenon (of course I almost just wrote blog-on-a-post). Usually they are baby hats when I see them...

kimber p said...

I have a love/hate relationship with hats. I love them, they hate me. They make me look stupid and like I'm tryin too hard to look cool. There's nothing I want more than an awesome newsboy cap..but they sit on my head laughing cuz they know I'll never be able to pull it off seriously....

*sigh*

I dig that crow yoga pose, I can't show it to my sons though..they'll use it as a new fart position on each other....

Eskimo Bob said...

Brother Tobias, so you've unfrozen yourself, have you?! And ya know, I hadn't noticed that it was a post on a hat on a post. WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!

Ann, maybe they just start out as baby hats and then mature...

Pearl said...

Kimber, unfortunately, being the mother of a son myself, you are probably right about crow pose!

Oh, and Hey! I didn't mean to respond as Eskimo Bob, although if I had to be another person it just might BE Eskimo Bob. That was me responding, not Bob...

The Retired One said...

Well, you KNOW the only thing left to do is start corresponding (on the POLE of course!) to whomever (or whatever) left it there for you. The next step is to leave a note ON THE POLE for them to pick up and answer. Don't make the tone too threatening. Just something like: "So, have you been here before?" and see if they answer....You gotta do it Pearl, you KNOW you do. Besides, if you get a return note on the pole, it is good for a LOT more blog POSTS... (grin)

mbuna53 said...

Could you tell of those stains were wine? I'm wondering if your hat was on some kind of mission for Miz Liza Bean Bitey. Recon? Passing along some important bit of info to Liza Bean's contact? I don't know if your hat can be trusted anymore. Mums the word.

The crow flys at dawn. Tango Charlie Foxtrot Niner. Over and out.

darsden said...

Happy trails to you, until we meet again, happy trails to you..LOL so glad you found your hat Pearl. The song was free today to..it's the cheevil!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Post...hat...post...you're Thing 1 and Thing 2 away from becoming the new Dr. Seuss.

Communist.

Vic said...

I love a good reunion story!

Pearl said...

Retired One, I quite like that idea, of leaving a note somewhere, just to see if someone picks up...

mbuna, I suspect some of those stains are Cointreau, in fact, which leads me to believe there was some sort of gang activity involved...

Darsden/Roy Rogers, I thank you! And it WAS cheevil, wasn't it?!

iNDefatigable, I laughed first, and then I wondered who you've been talking to. Those meetings are secret! Shhhhhhhhhh.

Vic, it warms the heart, duddenit?

Stephen Rader said...

"I'll take you to it, after yoga." That's genius.

I would love to have seen you walk up to your hat, tap your foot and say, "Well, look who's here!" (like Bette Midler said to Barbara Hershey in BEACHES after their big fight and subsequent long absence from each other.

Maybe no one else would get it, but me and all the gay men nearby would have been HOWLING with laughter! :)

Douglas said...

Ummmm... Your "funny, not slutty" link is showing up as a Blog Post Title and, of course, Blogger says you don't exist. We all know you do exist, of course, so I tracked you down. Not sure what's crossed you up, maybe that hat hatched a plot while on that post?

Sweet Cheeks said...

I knew your hat would come back. But where's the other one?...
I suspect the bus....and the chick with the big head phones.
:)

bernthis said...

Hi Pearl. Thanks for stopping by and saying hi on Funnynotslutty. Nice to meet you. Glad you got your hat back but perhaps now would be a good time to address its drinking problem, no?

Pearl said...

Stephen, see? This is why I need constant camera surveillance. (The hat, by the way, remains unrepentent. I think she had a much better time than she's letting on.)

Douglas, I think I got it figured out. And yes, I exist!

Sweet Cheeks, but of course! The chick with the prehistoric headphones and the unstoppable sense of rhythm! I shoulda thought of that.

Pearl said...

bernthis, hey! She drinks, she falls off my head, no problem!
Actually, I think it's more my boots that have a drinking problem. One of them tries to trip me almost every day. I think it's the left one, but the right's in cahoots as well.
Love your blog, btw. You're very funny, and your dialogue is just like being there. I love it.

Steve said...

So glad the hat came back. Obviously it missed the comforting curve of your head. I'm sad there was no fish-head bride though...

Michelle said...

Pearl, dear Pearl can i suggest something please??

Ear Flap Hat!!!

Pearl this type of hat only wants to stay on your head. It fits so perfectly that the hat is not only happy to stay put, but has no inclination to drink wine or beer or anything really!! It basically lives off your head sweat!!! I kid you not!!!

Please Pearl, i will gladly buy you one but i need to know the size of your ear lobes!!!

That is all!!!

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

Pearl said...

Steve, another bubble burst, eh? I'm gonna let the fish-head bride stew for a bit, though. I like it and feel a story brewing...

Michelle, you are too funny, and I thank you for your offer, but I lost my ear lobes in a waterskiing accident.
No. That's not nice. I didn't really. I'm feeling really feisty right now -- going to get my hair cut/colored in under three hours and I just LOVE that. I've told every boyfriend I've ever had: if we have a fight, try to get to my head. I LOVE having my hair brushed. :-) Of course, then they come at me with the hair brush and it's ON! No one comes at me with a hair brush!!

La Belette Rouge said...

I hope in time your hat will tell you the story of what happened.

Andraste said...

(Imagine a Yorkshire accent) Oh, ahhh were a good drinker when ahhh were a young cap. Never did me no haaaaahhhhrrrrm. Never ran awah, though.

Dr Zibbs said...

Nothing like a happy ending.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Just be glad she didn't join a cult, get a mohawk and a tattoo. But that would make for an interesting hat.

Jeanne said...

What did/does your hat look like? (If there was an earlier post describing it, just point me in the general direction.) Because I love hats, and so few women wear them....

SweetPeaSurry said...

ha ha ha ... I just read Brother Tobias' comment, a post about a hat on a post. Too funny.

I guess that the destressing that yoga does made you more lenient toward slutty-hat behavior. Good to know you gave said hat a second chance!!!

Braja said...

Crow pose would be the perfect time to sneak up behind Amy and give her a little slap on the butt (read: push) for that little piece of info :)))

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Frankly, I was extremely surprised that Liza Bean Biter was not part of this whole hat-gone-amiss episode. And after this post, I can see that even if she wasn't in on it, clearly her bad influence is rubbing off.

What's next!