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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Seriously. Just Take Your Stuff and Go.

It’s Saturday. The kitties are mewling pitifully for cream (despite the fact that they rarely if ever chip in for groceries), my bed still hasn’t made itself, and the temperature has plummeted here in Minneapolis a good 20 degrees from yesterday.

And why not? It’s January, still, and no one said this was going to be easy.

Oh, sure, there was talk early on about how lovely it is to have four seasons, how pretty the snow is and how childishly excited we’ll be once we’re able to do something as novel as wear shoes outside rather than boots; but the thrill is gone, people.

I’m breaking up with winter.

In the beginning, and I do mean in the beginning, when I was a young, tender thing with proper hand/feet blood circulation and dreams of graceful ice-skate-driven pirouettes, it was good between us. Winter added a pinkness to my cheeks, and I was grateful. It’s hard being of a naturally yellowish hue, and I was tired of being asked if I was “okay”. Stop asking me that! I’m fine! I’m just yellow-y, okay?

Sheesh. Give a girl a break.

But then came high school; and the young, tender things with money were going skiing, so I saved my money so that I could go, too. Pity I didn’t know how to ski, though, and my reward for ridiculous amounts of babysitting and acting like I knew what I was doing earned me a face-plant into the side of a mountain (or maybe it was a hill – it is Minnesota, after all) and my own key to the high school elevator for a month.

That’ll teach ya!

That was the beginning of the end; and in all this time, winter has failed to make it up to me.

Lost mittens and hats, frostbite, falling on the ice? Dead car batteries? Fruitless searches for jumper cables? The gradual accumulation of turtlenecks and superfluous hip and buttock padding?

All winter’s fault.

So, yeah. It’s over, and I don’t feel bad about it.

Winter can leave my unfrozen toes and fingers at the front door on its way out.

27 comments:

Brother Tobias said...

I'm totally with you on this, Pearl. It's not funny any more. Stays like an unwelcome guest and has terrible manners. No relation of mine; I have summer genes.

darsden said...

Dang Pearl make me feel quilty for having shorts on and my door open for the wonderful 67 degrees I am enjoying. Would it help to know we got a lil rain last night and might have somemore sometime today? Sorry, Pearl com'on down and enjoy this with me I will share with you.

Comedy Goddess said...

January is about 4 months too long.
I have an award for you at my place. Come by and pick it up whenever. xo

ugich konitari said...

Pearl,
I've just started a virtual company. We send virtual warm weather over the internet to various folks like you and Barbara. (I even virtually ate one of her chocolate cakes once..)

And now, it can be told. Warm weather is being outsourced to India. Sometimes Australia helps.

Between the two of us countries, look forward to a change in the weather for the better.....

nsiyer said...

Pearl, in some places in India, we have a joke of epople asking "Winter?? what is it?

I am a winter/ AC MAN. Just hate summer except for those flowers and blooms that ahppen.

rachael said...

LMAO Breaking up with winter, Ooooh boy, sadly, you can try and break up with it, but now that you are in its clutches, it will always find you, winter will be stalking you at least once a year!

Keely said...

I keep sending it away, too, but it keeps coming back.

Braja said...

God, those cats are users....

Yeah, come on over to spring, Pearl!!

Mary Moore said...

Oh yah, I had winter as a boyfriend for many many years...but it got tired. And I got old.

Douglas said...

Winter comes and goes in terms of a few days here and a few days there where I live. We just went through a brutal one were the temperature dropped below 30F for a few hours (early in the morning while I slept but the heater didn't). I played golf that day. It was 37F when I got to the course. It was 70F when I got home. Winter's over for another week or so.

What is snow?

darsden said...

Okay I need help...NO it not about this Post...Sorry Pearl LOL I can't get my comments sent to me..box is checked I used to get them. Now I don't get any comments anymore from any blogs??? anybody out there to give me some advice. I would appreciate it. I have tried to find help but cannot located the answers.

Irish Gumbo said...

Testimony out there sister! I juts HATE how those seasons, especially Winter, they act all nice at first and then it gets ugly, and it never calls me back, and I end up a sobbing heap on the floor, "Why?Why?", but it turns its cold shoulder and ignores me.

So yeah, enough of the creep, out it goes!

And why is your natural hue yellowish? :)

steenky bee said...

I'll be the trashy friend that goes out with your left over boyfriends, because I love winter, sister. Tell winter he can come to stay at my house. I'll treat him right. (We are still talking about the season right?)

Jeanne said...

We had a couple of days of sun and upper 40's this week, just enough to make it really suck when it turned cold again today. That's what I hate about the relationship -- the way he continues to toy with me. (Notice how it's "Old Man Winter" and "Dame Summer"?)

EskimoBob said...

Pearl -

I don't know what it is with you blog that puts me in hysterics. But you seem to have a soundtrack playing whenever you post. This is what ran through my mind as I read your words:

Time, time, time, see whats become of me
While I looked around
For my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around, leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Hear the salvation army band
Down by the riverside, its bound to be a better ride
Than what youve got planned
Carry your cup in your hand
And look around, leaves are brown now
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Hang on to your hopes, my friend
Thats an easy thing to say, but if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend
That you can build them again
Look around, the grass is high
The fields are ripe, its the springtime of my life

Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Wont you stop and remember me
At any convenient time
Funny how my memory slips while looking over manuscripts
Of unpublished rhyme
Drinking my vodka and lime

But look around, leaves are brown now
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

Look around, leaves are brown
Theres a patch of snow on the ground...

The Retired One said...

Sounds like "old man winter" was a pedophile when you were young. So, now he's caught and should be sent to prison for life (or better yet, why not give him the electric chair?)

Now that my born-and-raised-in-upper-Michigan husband and I are retired, he finally whispered in my ear (this week) the words I have been longing to hear: "Honey,maybe we should consider going somewhere warmer next winter." God,I love that man!!

Eric S. said...

LOL, you have a great way of breaking up with winter. I'm wondering though if you'll be fearing a reprisal, for you know winter has a mean streak, and can be pretty temperamental at times. Perhaps you should consider a restraining order, but who would you get to serve it?

Steve said...

I must admit, winter frequently makes my nipples perky but on the whole its kisses leave me cold...

Pearl said...

Brother Tobias, having been to your blog a number of times, I know winter's crawled into your house this year! Frost on the inside of your windows... No double-hungs?

Darsden. :-) Gulfsport Mississippi. That just blows my mind. I could look it up, or I could just ask, but does the Missisippi run anywhere near you? You realize, of course, that it is frozen over up here? Other than a steaming opening here and there, the ol' SOB is frozen.
Don't walk on it, though. We're walking over the lakes around here -- oh, yes, we are! -- but until it's been damn cold for quite a while, only a fool walks on a river.
p.s. You're not getting follow-up comments, is that it? I can't help you but if I were at the Help Desk, the next question would be, "Have you rebooted?"

Comedy Goddess, I think you're on to something there!
An award? Really? Cool! THere's an honorarium, right? and a dinner?
I'll stop by!!

Ugich, outsourced to India and Australia. I'm still smiling about that one. :-) I'll take some of the warmth but I'm not interested in the monsoon, unless it comes with a full-fledged dance number and a dress or two in a rich saphire, like in the Bollywood movies. Then I'll take the monsoon!

nsiyer, we have a joke in Minnesota.
"How many seasons are there in Minnesota?
"Two -- five months of winter and seven months of bad skiing."
I just love early Spring -- anything can happen. And I love early Fall, when Nature goes to sleep.
:-D

Rachael, I should've never have let Winter buy me a drink...

Keely, I think we both just need to start meeting a better class of season...

Braja, my vacationing friend, those cats are taking advantage of my good nature!

Mary Moore, what's a woman to do? And how do we change those patterns?!

Douglas, snow is a rare and high-valued substance that I happen to have an abundant supply of. I tell you what. I know a guy, knows a guy that will get in touch with a guy of your choice and we'll see if we can't get you some.
On me. :-)

Irish Gumbo, I think it's the Czech/Danish/Irish heritage -- without blush, I can look like I haven't been sleeping well...

Steenky, um, winter? Yeah! Yeah, the season, yeah. :-D

Jeanne, winter's always playing with our emotions...

Eskimo Bob, I'm so glad you hear music. I like the one you list.
Not a "fish" for a place to stay in Alaska, but I wonder what the Alaska light looks like at this time of year. I've been working on a theory lately about how what we see affects how we think. It's not much more than a daydream-induced amusement right now, but do you think the very light itself has anything to do with one's temperment?

Retired One, I think that's wonderful. To be warm, even the feet! Heaven.

Eric, who DOES serve to Winter? Maybe Poseidon. Or Thor. Hey -- it's a tough economy. Maybe even the gods are looking for work?!

Steve, at least you know you're not frigid...

SweetPeaSurry said...

I'm breaking up with everything and everyone. Winter? Up yours!!! Men ... same to ya ... want a size 5 1/2 where? There ya go.

Kids ... oh don't have any ... thinking about getting a hamster though.

My main breakup is with winter though, I hear ya on that one sister!!!

darsden said...

The Mississippi River closet point to me is heading over to New Orleans I cross over it. That is appx. 60 miles away.
Reboot - LOL that doesn't/didn't help. I have no idea where they are going. Use to get them now I don't.

VE said...

Boy...that means that Spring is the rebound guy. Poor spring...

Comedy Goddess said...

To put the award on your blog: You can copy the picture to your computers picture file. Then add a picture gadget on your sidebar and upload the award from your file.

Susan said...

Good riddance! Until it's so hot you're making your own gravy.

Brother Tobias said...

"No double hungs"? Not quite sure what that means, Pearl. I have received compliments in the past, but I can't imagine word has reached you.

Pearl said...

THanks, CG! Got it...

Susan, that's true. I'll be complaining about heat in roughly six months...

Brother Tobias, I laughed out loud at that one. :-) Thank you!

Michelle said...

Pearl as unfunny as MN winters are, still i giggle!!!

I mean, here in NY when its 10 degrees above we are hunkered down for the winter!! Ski masks and 3 pairs of gloves for me yes!!!!

Perhaps, you can start dating Spring!!! I hear he's pretty nifty!!!