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Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Omega Pearl; or Run For The Hills, We're All Gonna Die!

Any time the world is quiet, residential streets empty of cars and pedestrians, my mind goes directly to the End of the World, a game I played as a child.

Gosh, how much fun must I have been as a kid, huh?! I was a worried and serious child and have grown into a worried albeit silly adult. And honestly, if I had my druthers – and you know I’ve been working all my life on developing my druthers – I’m glad it worked out like that.

Every day I enjoy the fact that it all started out a bit worrisome but has turned out to be a lot of fun.

I’m silly, but I pay my bills.

So it was not unusual for me that Friday, the day after New Years, was an End of the World scenario. Was I the only one working in the U.S.? I walked to the bus stop down the middle of the street, no one to stop me. I crossed against the lights. I waited for the bus for 10 minutes and saw only a handful of cars. Even now, as I’m sitting here on the bus at 7:20 in the a.m., delightfully geek-ish and taking notes, there are only nine people with me, including one guy in a wheelchair.

Being alone has always had a strange effect on me; and in no time at all, in my mind I have gone from a bus on a deserted street to being on a transport vehicle carrying the only survivors of a global plague. A sweeping viral infection has circled the globe in a three-week period...

I surveyed the bus. So this is what we have to work with.

The world is in trouble, ladies and gentlemen. None of these people – myself included – look like they’re up to the challenge of birthing a new civilization.

In light of the need to be practical in this practically ridiculous scenario, I have taken stock of myself; and I think you’ll be as surprised as I was to discover that I am going to be of no help whatsoever:

 I know how to milk a cow, but I’d rather not.
 I would not trust me to set your broken bones, help you deliver your baby, or pull one of your teeth.
 I don’t know how to repair any kind of engine.
 I can’t remember if the cure for a snake bite is sucking the poison out of it or peeing on it. I know that peeing on something is a cure for something…

I could go on and on, but already I’m worried about the future.

Thank goodness we’re all perfectly safe, huh?


ICKY said...

Pearl...I've told you before...peeing on something can't be your answer to everything.
When the end of the world does come, you can hang out at my place, as I won't be participating.

Ms Sparrow said...

You're a gal after my own heart! I remember sitting in my 4th-grade classroom imagining how the space could be used to house refugees. "Passenging" on long trips,I would while away the time imagining how everything will look when all the people are gone. I LOVE this topic! Weird, huh?

IB said...

Well, whoever's left on the planet with you will need a good laugh now and again, so you could serve in that capacity. Still, I wouldn't count on that particular roll to be critical enough to save you should the food supply run out. I'm just sayin.


expateek said...

Pee on your jellyfish stings. That's the ticket. If you're inland, then I don't think there's any really great use for pee. Unless you're in the desert and you can distill it and actually, let's not go there.

Good luck at the end of the world! I'll send my blog posts to you via carrier pigeon. (I am training them on my rooftop in Warsaw as we speak.)

Not. But it's a good idea, yeah?

Susan said...

All I need when the world ends is instructions in the movie theater as to how to start the feature and where the largest popcorn buckets are. A movie with nobody around! Heaven! And no one minding the liquor store either...

Douglas said...

I suspect you think it won't end... Ha!

Braja said...

Remind me never to get bitten by a snake around you. And if I do, please keep your pants on :)))

EskimoBob said...

Pearl -

I do think that if there were a cataclysmic end, only Minnesotans and Alaskans would survive, perhaps some Vermontians, I digress.

You would be able to put together hot dishes and lutefisk. I think that you are quite qualified in the event of a end-of-world scenario, since the local Dairy Queen is already closed for five months out of the year, you are quite used to having to sustain when there are long stretches of no-human contact.

After all, it could be worse.

Irish Gumbo said...

I think Wal-Mart or Target is having a sale on druthers, stock up now before the Apocalypse (Now).

Milking a cow is DEFINITELY a survival skill, so you're in.

Making people laugh is important too. People don't want to eat clowns, because they taste funny!

HAR! (bada bing, I gots a million of 'em)

And why is my word verification 'teehola'? Isn't that an insult in some language?

Diane said...

You crack me up!

You know that scene in the movie Independence Day, where Will Smith's little kid is outside, watching the huge alien ship settle over LA and you hear that long, low rumble as it moves into place? Well, anytime I hear a sound remotely like that (long rolls of thunder, some unseen mechanical thingy, etc), I go to the window and look out, just to be sure the Mother Ship hasn't settled over Pigsknuckle.

And I've never told anyone else that. So keep it under your hat, OK? Thanks.

Lilly's Life said...

Ah, but you do know what a large percentage of the population do not - how to be silly and have fun and how to pay your bills on time. Anything aside from that is just window dressing. Other than milking a cow. I am quite partial to that.

sticky said...

Love it!

I'm with the jellyfish comment - keep your pants on, otherwise!

Anonymous said...

I think the old wive's tale goes...

Use medicine first, have none?
Then use Alcohol, All the rum gone?
Then Pee on it, if no one will pee on you - you don't have any real friends anyway....so you might as well be dead.

You could always become chief and editor of the 'Apocolyptic Times' after the nuclear holocaust.

steenky bee said...

I know I haven't met you, but I thought I'd stop by and introduce myself and tell you that this post was hilarious and made me laugh. Also, I'd like to add that I hope you never have to pee on ANYONE. That's just my New Year's wish for you.

Kavi said...


I think the story continues..so keep the updates going !


justsomethoughts... said...

all i could keep thinking about was that there would only be 9 people to follow your blog.
or is that nine people with - as in including - you. and that would make ony eight (?!) people following your blog.

horrible. just horrible.