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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Now THAT’S a Line in the Sand

It was right around the time that The Boy was in fifth grade that he discovered rap.

You can imagine how exciting this was for me.

Rap in all its misogynistic, bling-oriented, looka-me-looka-me glory goes against everything I, as a Minnesota kinda gal, have been taught.

Mid-westerners don’t bring attention to themselves. It’s unseemly. It’s low-class. And frankly, it’s bragging.

You heard me. Bragging.

And bragging is just so tacky.

So you can imagine my horror the day The Boy lowered his trousers to the point that they weren’t doing the job they were designed to do.

To make it abundantly clear, there was now a good length of The Boy’s crack covered only by his boxers.

Something about this set off an inner imp in me. My eyes unfocused and the room went hazy as a slight smile passed over my face…

Do you know what a Wet Willie is?

I do.

I put my index finger in my mouth and got it wet. Creeping up behind him, I grabbed the waistband of his boxers and jammed my wet finger down the crack of his butt.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

It’s fun to see The Boy jump.

“Gawwwwwwd, Mom!” he screamed, twisting away. “What are you doing?!”

“Wear your pants as they were intended to be worn or face my wrath!”

“That’s child abuse, Mom!”

“Wet Willie’s coming for you!”

And so began the cat-and-mouse game between me and The Boy. I would walk into a room; and if his pants were saggy, I would wink at him, put my index finger in my mouth and then advance on him slowly, my finger held up in front of me, smiling.

He would pull his pants up, nervously, every time I did this. “Cut it out! Cut it out!”

“Pull your pants up or face the Willie!”

One day, his friend Sean showed up.

They were in the kitchen, intent on eating the contents of the fridge, when I entered the room.

Sean’s pants were saggin’.

I couldn’t help but smile.

“Hey, “ I said. “Dylan.”

The Boy turned around; and a look of fearful, fascinated concern crept over his face. He held his hand up at me: No.

I put my index finger in my mouth, pulled it out, held it up in the air and walked toward Sean, whose back was toward me, in an exaggeratedly menacing manner. I reached toward Sean’s boxers…

“MOM!”

I never did stick my wet finger down Sean’s butt crack, of course. But the threat scared The Boy into pulling his pants up from there on.

You gotta pick your battles.

42 comments:

Jess said...

AHhhhhhhhhhh! LMAO! I love it! That is SO something my Mom would do! I do love me some rap, but I do NOT love me some saggy pants. Re-tard-diculous I say.

darsden said...

Now that was funny! That's what the nation needs, a Crack Cop, butt cop, finger cop, LOL geaux Pearl

IB said...

My son is afflicted with the same fashion sense. And, it's not because of rap. He's a metal-head, as are his goofy friends, and they were their jeans down to their thighs. They use their belts , cinched super-tight to hold the pants up. When I walk into the room I can barely keep from laughing.

1 upside: I know my boy and his pals are not out breaking any laws. There's NO WAY anyone is running away from the cops and the K-9s with their Levis like that.

IB

Skywalker said...

That was funny. I need to remember that!

Your poor son is probably explaining to his friends "mom has issues with proper attire"

freetheunicorns said...

I thought a wet willie involved an ear, not a butt crack. Although I'm glad the low wearing pants Boy was taught a brief, yet important, lesson. I just hope is isn't wearing his hat all askew.

Elle said...

Now that's tactful parenting!

La Belette Rouge said...

I heard the actress from Malcom in the Middle( I never saw the show) who is from Wisconsin say that she won't let her kids listen to American rap. She only lets them listen to Polish rap music. They listen as they are desperate for rap but they have no idea what is being said. Brilliant!

Braja said...

lol...Dar wins with "crack cop"...

Pearl, honey, you're meeeaaaann!!!

In a good way.

EskimoBob said...

Great insight in the raising of older kids. I think it's crafty torture that once you think you have a handle on raising your kid, then they become teenagers and the rules change. It's comforting to know that a little saliva and a phalange.

dizzblnd said...

This is hilarious! I also call my son "The boy" (thank you Bill Cosby) What an inventive and funny way to make him keep his pants up!

The Retired One said...

Please tell me you wash your hands right after? (Can't help it, it is the retired nurse in me!)

Rap...hmmm...I HATE IT. Also a midwesterner woman...maybe it was my upbringing? But I dare say, it is NOT music. And to think people are making millions doing it. Can't WAIT for the phase to get over already!

Irish Gumbo said...

Ha! Hadn't thought of that as a 'poor fashion choice' deterrent.

Oddly, I am a little weirded out by it, yet slightly turned on...Pearl, my jeans are kinda 'low', nowhuddamean (nudge, nudge, wink, wink), if you are going to be in the area...

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

That is hilarious! I wish I'd thought of it. My son used to drive me crazy with those darn pants. Gosh I HATE that look.

I finally got to the point where I would confiscate any pants that didn't meet the standard and throw them in the trash. I think your way is funnier.

That's funny - the word verification I got was groomi - as in good grooming!!!

Kavi said...

That crack cracked me up. And my vocabulary is vastly enhanced with the Wet Willie addition !!!

ROTFL !!

You are some person ! You really are !!!

Sweet Cheeks said...

My girls always hated boys that wore their pants that way. They would actually walk up to them and ask if they were in need of some 'Buttcrack Remover', and say things like "Are you going to be a plumber when you grow up?" :)

Under the Influence said...

I will have to remember this if/when my 11 yr. old takes up this fashion disaster!

Ann's Rants said...

Pearl? What nice midwestern girl runs around sticking her finger in boy's buttcracks? Am I the only one that thought a wet willie went in the EAR?

Susan said...

Ooooh, Pearl, you picked a battle worth fighting and you fought it BEAUTIFULLY!!! That's wonderful!

Pearl said...

Jess, I'm more of a hip-hop gal myself (how awesome is Brother Ali?!).

Darsden, I'm just so pleased with myself for figuring out "geaux". :-) Ya li'l Cajun, ya!

IB, I was quite the metal head myself, but we were content to just through our spines out of whack, what with the headbanging and all. :-)
I'm laughing at your boy, too, by the way. That whole belted-under-the-ass thing? Like an SNL skit!

Skywalker, I truly do like his friends, and I even like him, son or no son, but a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. :-)

freetheunicorns, well, normally that IS what a Wet Willie is. One must improvise...

Thanks, Elle! He's 24 now and pretty cool.

La Belette Rouge, I'm sorry I didn't think of that one!

Braja, you've heard of "tough love"? This is "smart ass love".

EskimoBob, and worse, you're never truly "done" with them. The danger is at every age. Even my own. :-)

dizzblnd, I have lots of stories of The Boy. He's been a hoot.

The Retired One, I'm pretty sure I did. :-) Although frankly, if you've ever crammed a wet finger down someone's crack, you don't get far before they go spinning out of reach.

IG, I'm a little weirded out, and yet amused. :-) Bet you'll think of me next time you see a saggy butt. Wait. No...

Douglas said...

I am obviously going to have to be quicker about reading your blog. All the funny comments, wisecracks (no pun intended, of course), and clever witticisms have all been taken by the time I get here. And to think you have the audacity to be opposed to Rap. Why, did you not know it is the logical devolutionary successor to Brahams, Beethoven, and Bach? Sheesh!

Put me down as one who sincerely wishes you washed your finger between the first (modified) Wet Willie and the subsequent threats.

Pearl said...

Adrian, He's been doing his own laundry since he was about 10, but he did sleep like a rock... I could've slipped in there at any time...

Kavi, I'm glad to be a part of your education. Just be aware that normally a Wet Willie IS a wet finger in the ear. In this case, I adapted it to fit the situation.
Thinking on my feet is my speciality. :-)

SweetCheeks, that's a good thing! I like the "butt crack remover".

UTI, she's bound to do something. I was totally cool with him dying his hair but drew the line at the pants (eventually!) and the tattoo ("But it'll say "MOM"!!")

Ann, All I can say to that is :-).

Susan, I do what I can to encourage a thinking human being.

Pearl said...

Douglas, I post every day at 9:00 Central. :-)

darsden said...

Pealux = cheevil on the geaux


need a wet willie crack cop yep!

Vic said...

At first I thought the post was about a classmate when you were in the fifth grade (which is totally stupid since kids didn't run around with their underwear hanging out until fairly recently. Think of it as a statement on your extreme youthfulness!)
I am mentally filing this story for when my 10 year old loses his mind and adopts this look.
If only I could use it on my students!....

Pearl said...

Darsden: Word.

Vic, if only, huh?! I do think you need to pick your battles. The Boy once wore his hat for three days, even to bed. The evening of the third day, I asked him if his head itched yet. He admitted that it did. I asked him if he'd like to sleep without it and he looks so relieved. :-)

darsden said...

R U kidding me...sorry I left your R outcha name.

Pearlux = cheevil on the geaux

worth repeating!

Steve said...

Way to go. I'm gonna try it on the next saggin' pair of pants I find. Hopefully they'll let me blog from prison...

Pearl said...

Steve, I can't wait for that post!

June Saville said...

Couldn't think of a better way to face THAT problem Pearl.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Wow Pearl, just Wow :)

No "double dipping" on that stunt , eh?

Pearl said...

June, it pretty much took care of it, yeah. :-)

Rene, not in this lifetime!

Cat said...

I like that version better than the original. Where else might I wet someone's willie? The possibilities are limited only to the number of openings on the human body. Fantastic!

Pearl said...

Cat, what you Wet Willie is between you and your conscience. We're not here to judge you.
:-D

Jeanne said...

Too funny -- wish you'd been around to give advice when I was raising my stepson!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Ack! I thought a wet willie was reserved for ears. I had no idea!

Keely said...

BAhhahhahhahah!! omg - that's hilarious. I'm hoping that fashion 'choice' isn't popular by the time my son is old enough to choose his own clothing...but now I have a backup plan if not ;)

Indrayani aka, Indi! said...

hahahaha.... :D Lolzz..
"Smart-ass Love"..
I am gonna copy this wet willie trick of yours!!
:D

Eric S. said...

Too funny. You have discovered a new innovative, creative method to stopping the SAG. Way to go.

Crack Cop, LOL

Cameron said...

Be careful....he may counter-attack by farting as you draw near. At least, that's what I would do. ;)

Jess said...

Awesomely white? LMAO!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Seriously LMAO. Would love to see the look on his face.

Michelle said...

Ok i need to get this straight!

Are you saying that its not cool to wear jeans down to your butt crack? Cause i do!!!!

NOT!!!!