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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Ich Habe Keinen Hut!

The Universe has just handed, nay presented to me the opportunity to use the only German phrase I can reliably utter: I Have No Hat.

Somewhere, out in the cold, salty streets and possibly mixing with unsavory ink pens, loose change and single socks, I’ve lost my second hat in less than a month.

Two hats in under a month. How can this be?

The poor things are out there somewhere, having, perhaps, fallen off of my lap while leaving a friend’s car and then trampled into the slushy streets.

Or maybe they’re mingling with mislaid scarves and grungy lunch sacks in the lost and found box at the bus station…

I can’t bear it.

But in this economy, with hours being cut, taxes going up? As sad as it is to admit, unless I hit some awesome sale, I may have to ride out the winter season with my reserve hat…

The reserve hat. Ugh.

The reserve hat: some old, hair-crushing, knit toque with a belligerent nature and a tendency to make me stop at neighborhood bars.

I don’t know what it is about that hat… I feel very “Rocky” Balboa in it, like I should be running up flights of stairs, throwing punches in the air, or perhaps tossing boxes on a pier somewhere.

Oh, my lovely, lovely hats. They’re gone – and yet I must stagger onward.

I can’t bear to think of them, the black cashmere beret, the red crushed velvet cloche

I know those hats. They’d want me to go on. It’s just how they were. So here’s what I’m going to do – and please join me in this charade, if you will.

Somewhere, my hats – and perhaps your hats? – are whooping it up, “hat-style”, a chapeaux-only cocktail party in a lovely Lost and Found. The clinking of glasses, the gentle laughter as someone tells that old “two-hats-walk-into-a-bar” joke yet again, a five-piece jazz ensemble playing “You Can Leave Your Hat On” in the background…

Sigh.

Good-bye, my lost hats. I hope you’re happy, wherever you are.

33 comments:

Irish Gumbo said...

Du bist ein Hatten Loser!

Pearl said...

Ja, Irish! Und dieses ist gut bier.
See? Now I've exhausted my German. Are you happy?
:-D
Pearl

Irish Gumbo said...

Ja, Ja, sehr gut, danke!

I know part of a dirty song in German, and how to say Good morning/day/evening.

Oh, and Police! :)

Pearl said...

Well if that doesn't guarantee a good time, I don't know what does!

Under the Influence said...

Why is it always the "good" ones that get lost - hats, scarves, sunglasses - resulting in wearing the ugly back ups which never seem to go away?

Pearl said...

Under the Influence, oh my I believe we have another blog there... Why is it always the good ones that leave us too soon?

Douglas said...

I have a dozen hates or more. I keep 4 in my car. I wear them only on the golf course. I would like to lose a few.

As to why only the good ones seem to disappear into the ether, it's simple. You wouldn't notice if the ugly ones did.

And you know who else is that party? The missing socks and gloves.

Douglas said...

Hates? Did I say "hates?" It is hats, of course. Forgive the Freudian slip.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

The only German phrase I know is "Ich habbe grosse lust fur dich".

Jay said...

Maybe you should leave your hats somewhere they won't get lost. On top of your head seems like it might work.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Maybe your hats are just on vacation. They'll show up (probably in spring with a nasty hangover) and show you pictures of them in front of the Eiffel Tower, in front of Big Ben, one of them on the Vegas strip...wait and see - they will return with great stories. You could send Liza to retrieve them...or some of her acquaintances.
:)

The Retired One said...

Thus the incentive for someone, somewhere writing: "The Mexican Hat Dance".
Geez, between the German and the Mexican influence, we are going international!!

Rachel Cotterill said...

Something at my house eats socks, or else they're busy raiding the wine cellar right now. If I had a spare hat, I might lend it to you - or I might not, since I now know how likely you are to lose your hat! :)

swenglishexpat said...

Ich habe kein Problem... I still have my, as my wife calls it, Burglar Bill hat. You know, like the one that Jack Nicholson had in "And One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", which I have had for approx 30 years. So she gave me a new one, different one, which is nowhere near as cool as my old one. The longevity of the hat is, I guess, down to low-frequency use. ;-)

Michelle said...

Ok i don't know german at all and i don't feel like googling some phrases so i will stick with english!!!

Yesterday i did the laundry!!!

So, i lost 1 sock and 1 glove!!! Here's the thing....i had said sock and glove in my HOUSE after the laundry!!! I saw them and held them. Now they are both gone. I looked high and low!!! Up and down!!! They are both totally lost to me.

It's as though the sock and the glove eloped or something. Perhaps they are mocking me and hiding somewhere watching me search for them???

OR perhaps they are with your two hats??? Having a cocktail party!! Playing games of tag. I fear that is the case Pearl!!!

HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!

Christine said...

For a long long time the only Italian phrases I could say fluently were

"due biglietti per l'autobus" and
"non ho capito un cazzo"

("two tickets for the bus" and "I don't understand a fucking thing")

much handier than Ich Habe Keinen Hut... where/why on earth did you learn that?!?!

That Baldy Fella said...

Don't forget "wie komme ich am besten zum Bahnhof" in case you get lost...

It's scarves for me. Always vanishing. I have two at the moment for the first time ever. That's jinxed it...

Argentum Vulgaris said...

It is truly amazing as to how the simple act of losing a second hat can generate such drivel... I love it.

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/
http://thingsthatfizz.blogspot.com/

Steve said...

Did you ever watch the episode of Ren & Stimpey where Stimpey lost his fart? I'd like to think that your hat's have found happiness by marrying a fishhead or something and will one day turn up at your house with a host of little fish-hat children. Just a thought that made me smile... ;-)

mbuna53 said...

Better then losing your pants and having to wear your backups. I'm sure there would be a good story associated with the pants losing, if I could only remember.

I did lose my shirt one night. College days, surprise! Alcohol was involved, surprise!

I'm sure I have an extra hat around here somewhere if you really need one.

I can never seem to hold on to my sunglasses. That is why I only buy cheap ones.

Jess said...

Ohhhh, yes, the reserve hat...

I have reserve sunglasses. They are the ones with a gigantic scratch right in your line of site, but I refuse to get rid of them because they are, as previously stated, my reserves in case I loose the ones that only have scratches on the sides and the arm is falling off.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Three words: tin foil hat

easy to make, easy to replace.

DIY Crappenhatten

Peace - Rene

Ann's Rants said...

I'd ask your third hand to help out once in a while...that's what its there for! Hatholder.

derfina said...

Thank everything that is holy that we don't require hats down here! I suffer from severe hathead if I even look at a hat.

SweetPeaSurry said...

I'm sorry you lost your hat(s)!

Oddly, I am constantly seeing single shoes on the side of the road. Last year I counted them up as I would see them, going to and from work.

I counted 273

I'm up to 3 already since Jan 1

Scrappy Doo said...

Pearl,
love your blog, can't get enough of it. I saw a hat on the interstate today and just busted up laughing.
I have an award for ya just come pick it up!
Have a great day
Scrappy

fingers said...

You sure write well and know some cool words for a secretary, Pearl...

Pearl said...

Douglas, the FReudian slips are what makes things interesting.
And I suspect that those parties would be fun, the ones with the single socks and my lost receipts...

iNDefatigable, just a couple more beers and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be able to answer that...

Jay, it's that kind of thinking that is keeping this country down. Without my ineptitude, think of all the jobs that would be lost. I've just saved a hat maker's job!
God I feel patriotic right now...

Sweet Cheeks, I think that cat might actually have something to do with it...

Retired One, we need more languages in here...

Rachel, I know! And look at the reputation I'm getting here! Now I can't be trusted with common articles of clothing! What's to become of me?!

Swenglish, actually, I know exactly which hat you're talking about. Are you sure she doesn't want you to wear it simply because you look too dashing for the general public? I think that might be it.

Michelle, I think that these are the things that are revealed to one shortly after death. We'll all be reunited with our missing socks and gloves...

Christine, those are some pretty practical phrases!
My uncle invited me to some crazy German klub party, some hat party. I worked with a guy who had been born in Austria, and he taught me how to say that I did not have a hat...

Argentum Vulgaris, I suspect by typing that that somehow I may have said something interesting... Now I have to look up "argentum".

Steve, I do! And I do hope that wherever they are, they're happy...

mbuna, the pants in question were never truly missing. Itg was actually more of an offer to replace them...

Jess, the reserves are just not the same. Sigh.

Rene! Crappenhatten. That's so cool. You freak. :-D

Ann, you have a point there!

Derfina, Oh, hat hair is still an issue, believe me! It's just too damn cold to not be wearing one, so it's become a matter of do you want to look good or do you want to die?
I don't even bother with my hair, really, before work. I just do it in the women's bathroom...

SweetPea, what do you suppose is up with all those single shoes?!

Scrappy Doo, how cool! Thank you!!

Fingers, I suspect I'm an underachiever...

Blicky Kitty said...

Um schadenfreude. I think that's all I know... Your hats might have secretly hoped you'd pine for them and never get another hat even though they probably never would have admitted it...

Braja said...

I don't care how many people laugh, I too have lost hats and share your pain.

Barbara Blundell said...

Hi Pearl,
Have you looked in the freezer ? That's where I eventually found mine when I lost it .

Pearl said...

Blick Kitty, OMG! I'd never thought of it that way. Why didn't I pay more attention to her while she was here???

Braja, thank you, my friend. I knew I could count on you!

Barbara, I did not find my hat in the freezer, but I did once find my underwear in the freezer... YOu can imagine my dismay when I found a pound of formerly frozen hamburger in my underwear drawer.
We will speak no more about this.
:-D

J'Ollie Primitives said...

Sie hat heise ohren!

"you have hot ears"

Heise ohren = no need for that hat!

ahh, I've waited donkey's years to drag out that old phrase....danke!