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Thursday, January 8, 2009

Hey! That’s Just Like How I’d Describe It!

I picked up T from work the other evening. His regular occupation, hardwood floor installer/refinisher and causer of general mayhem, slows to a painful crawl during the winter months; so he’s recently taken up waiting tables at a rather up-market establishment in order to supplement his income.

While he busied himself with the detritus that is the ending of any waiter’s shift, I perused the menu.

Menus! They combine three of my favorite things:
Colorful descriptions
Colorful descriptions of food.

Hmmm. What shall we have tonight?

Might I recommend the Black Angus lean ground chuck infused with mesquite, covered in an aged cheddar and gently joined with applewood-smoked bacon? Served on a sesame-encrusted bun once held by Scarlett Johannson and lovingly toasted by an attractive South American immigrant.

Woo-hoo! I’ll have the bacon cheeseburger.

But why are we saving such tasty and superfluous prose for menus only? I say, let’s do the same with job descriptions.

Wanted: Administrative Assistant.

Eligible candidates will find themselves surrounded by attractive people, engaged intellectually, and valued as both employees and as human beings. Your day will start with the tender light of the new day breaking. Incoming calls, cold-filtered to impart a mint-y taste, will be handled through your desk. The qualified applicant will find the filing of documents to be of a heavy, almost fudge-y consistency. Spreadsheet skills are a must for the monthly running of reports that we’re sure you’ll find both tasty and nutritious.

Lightly scented and “green” applications available.


Braja said...

I can take that but is Scarlett Johanssen vegetarian? Cos I don't want anyone touching my buns who isn't...

Pearl said...

Oh, honestly, Braja, I don't even know. :-)
See, this is what happens when I make stuff up.

darsden said...

cover you eyes and ears Braja dear...Pearl don't you remember cowbaby! GF go in the closet to *at cowbaby!

Pearl said...

Hey, Darsden!
Aw, crap.

Protege said...

I would not eat anything anyone has held, not even if it was Scarlet.;))
Love the job description ad.;)

Ann's Rants said...

I was going to make some joke about Scarlett ala carte but now I feel nauseous.

WV nosclizz

Its too explicit to begin to define...

Sal said...

Wow, being an administrative assistant suddenly sounds SO TASTY.

So let's get down to brass tacks here, Pearl. Are you telling me you're kickin' it Northside?

Pearl said...

Hi, Protege.
I may have lower standards than you do. :-)
And tasty admin jobs are hard to come by!

Hi, Ann.
As long as she's not laying somewhere covered in sushi. :-)

Hi, Sal.
Nordeast, baby! Holla!
:-) I actually don't really know what that means, but it's fun to say.


SassyTwoSocks said...

I think this approached should be used for personal ads as well... but I'm not even going to go there...

Small Footprints said...

Brilliant! I love your writing and the way you think. That job application would get my attention. I wonder how an employer would react to getting a resume' written in that manner. :)

BTW ... thanks for stopping by Reduce Footprints and leaving a comment. Hope to see you over there again!

Take Care!

Small Footprints

Braja said...

Dammit, I meant buns. BUNS. Get it? S.O'H's hands on my ass?


Braja said...

I know y'all got it I just felt like being snarky....

Pearl said...

I'll see your buns and raise you a cocktail.
Or raise a cocktail to you.
Hey! I've got time constraints on me, people!

Pearl said...

Hey, Sassy.
That's a whole 'nother blog! (And one I may have to write...)

Hi, Small Footprints.
That's a good idea! That would make a good blog, too -- I think I could get pretty flowery with my qualifications!


Douglas said...

In my Navy days it went like this:

Menu - Breakfast will be eggs to order, hash browns, bacon.

Reality - Eggs hard and soft boiled (guess which), hash (with some weird stuff tossed in), burnt toast.

Exchange (real) between myself and messcook:

Me - "What is it?"

Him - "What's it look like?"

Me - "I dunno, that's why I ask."

Him - "Just take it or don't eat."

And, believe me, every thing tasted like roast beef... except the roast beef, that tasted like chicken... or seagull, not sure.

Hmmmm, your wordification says "prost" so I type in "prost" and the thing suggests "prosteru"

This is just too overwhelming.

Vic said...

Forget the burger, I'm all about the minty incoming calls!

(Where I work, if you get an incoming call, it's coming straight from crazy-people central, and it's best to ignore the ringing...)

A hint of mint might take the edge off.
By the way, Pearl, thanks for following me!(hopefully it won't be so lonely there for long.. :)

Michelle said...

heavy, almost fudge-y consistency.

When do i start??????

Happy Thursday???

KMcJoseph said...

I enjoy the minimalist approach to writing. This might explain why my favorite restaurant menus only have five to ten items to choose from. Greek diners are the antithesis of my dining experience albeit tasty and delicious.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

A great philosopher I once worked for had a theory that this is the reason why Americans are all neurotic: everything is oversold, such as the great succulent quarter-pounder made from prime beef raised on the plains of Iowa, ground in a traditional stone grinder and flamegrilled to perfection over a charcoal brazier, garnished with freshly grown Italian garden tomatoes, iceberg lettuce flown in specially from the south of France and pickles pickled in our own brine made from a secret recipe handed down by the Vice President's Polish grandmother, served in a toasty sesame-sprinkled bap made from wheat grown slowly in the great wheat belt and .... etc. etc. And what you get is a soggy burger in a bun the same as in every other burger joint in the world. I've kind of lost the gist of where I was going with this ...

Can Bass 1 said...

Pearl, if they are all as attractive as you I will gladly resing my commission here at the cathedral and book the next flight available. I do so love a lady wearing spectacles.

Can Bass 1 said...

My word, that was a bit of a Freudian slip. I meant, of course, 'resign'.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Funky fresh Pearl served up with a side of saucy sarcasm. Satisfying

Neat-o, huh?

I also love menu items in quotations.

"chicken tenders"- Ok, we're not sure if it is actually chicken but, as it had a wing, we're assuming it's at least a bird and it, of course, tasted like chicken.

Peace - Rene

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Popped over from your comment on Braja's. I can see you making money off your writing form this post though. Plus you made me hungry. And you brought back my wiater nightmares rom over ten years ago. It's in my blod forever.

Pearl said...

Hi, Douglas!
:-) Nice story!
Mmmmm. Seagull!

Hi, Vic.
With the way you write, you won't be lonely for long! LOVE IT. Oh, and by the way, I tried to leave a comment but couldn't! Just kept clicking on that damn "leave comment" but it never worked...

Hi, Michelle.
I love a thick, juicy stack of filing, don't you?!

Hi, KMcJ.
I, too, would much rather order, say, a steak and a salad. All those extra words are just running up the price!

Hi, Daphne Wayne-Bough.
I've seen you around the blogosphere, you know; and I'm quite excited to see you hear!
I think you are on to something. Really. While I don't necessarily feel neurotic, I do sometimes feel paranoid. After all, if they're going to describe a gold-plated bundle of freshly squeezed love to me and then feed me the exact opposite, what else do they have in store for me?

Pearl said...

Hi, Can Bass 1.
I never used to blush so easily. :-)

Hey, Rene!
I've taken to calling them "chicken sphincters". :-)

Hi, Pseudonymous.
Hey, thanks! That's very nice of you to say/ Honestly, I do want to write for a living. That's kinda the goal, and once I figure out how it's done, well, then I'll keep on writing but will be able to afford bigger words! :-)


Vic said...

Hi Pearl,
Thanks for the kindness (you make me laugh out loud), and the heads up on the unfriendly comment situation. I reset stuff, logged out to check it, and it seems to work now. Thanks!

PS: Hey, cool! My verification word is "pootpri". Somehow this makes me happy....

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

write something about cow poo. come on! pretty please?????

Pearl said...

Hi, Vic!
Well who WOULDN'T be happy with a WV like "pootpri"?!!

Hi, Mouthy Irish Woman!
Careful what you ask for there! I just wrote "cow poo" in my future-blog notebook. We'll let that one, uh, steep for a bit and I absolutely will be writing about the beauty of manure.


La Belette Rouge said...

You should write job descriptions for a living. Really, I almost wanted to be an Admin. Asst. for a minute and I would like that medium rare.;-)

Irish Gumbo said...

Once on my resume, many moons ago, I had this description to 'fill out' my job experience:

"Computer operator for a high-volume retailer. Responsible for programming and accounting"

What that meant: I had a less than min-wage job at a mall tending this goofy "robot" that would print out a faux newspaper page with "all the exciting world events and history" that occurred on your birthday, once it was typed into the machine! Oh, man, that job sucked. It didn't get interesting until I figured out how to hack the footer code ans, shall we say, personalize the ending message. Heehee, a few surprised boyfriend/girlfriend combos there, I can tell you. Good times, man, good times..

That's why I "DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE, BOY-EEE!" when it comes to restaurant menu

SweetPeaSurry said...

Well gee, I want that Admin job. It sounds so much better than my trek to work in afternoon-mommy-taking-the-kids-shopping traffic (no offense mommies out there, but I'm on a deadline to get to work ... ya know?), gabbing-with-old-toothless-farts all day, late-night-getting-off and driving-home-in-the-cold-and-dark job!!!

(Really I do love my job though)

The Wife O Riley said...

Ooooh..that job sound yummy, but do they have an Admin light? I'm trying to watch my calories and filing.

Jeanne said...

That job description -- that was the one they used for the job I just started this week -- until I walked in the door. Then they showed me the real one....

Pearl said...

La Belette,
Medium rare is the only way it's going to be really tasty.

Irish Gumbo, I admire the kind of effort it takes to turn the mall job into such a fine sentence.


SweetPeaSurrey, What do you do?!! I had second-shift job (almost wrote "second-shit job -- and now I have! Whoops!) in my early 20s but it didn't include any toothless old farts. A couple of toothless blue collar tweakers, but no old farts...

Wife O'Reilly, I can't promise you anything, but I DO have a line on an office moving from the fudge-y filing to more of a meringue-y system. I'll call you. :-)

Jeanne, THAT'S how they get ya...


Kavi said...

That cracked me up. You have one swell imagination !!


I wonder what my blogger profile would look like...and i seek hard not to mention it here !


Steve said...

Lightly scented and green applications would freak me out a little - I'd much rather they were stained with ketchup and egg yolk. That's a sign of honesty that is...