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Sunday, January 11, 2009

He’p Me! He’p Me! I’ve Been Electrifried!

The static cling is killing me.

My hair has left my shoulders and is free-floating up and away from my head in a Bride-of-Frankenstein fashion that, honestly, actually seems to work for me in a that-woman-looks-like-she’s-been-through-a-lot kind of way; the shocks coming off the bathroom light switch in particular are visible to the neighbors; and I think I’ve got a cat stuck in the inside of my yoga pants.

I hear you; and sure, I could buy a humidifier. But then how would I style my hair?

I wasn’t always anti-static. I remember, as a child, walking around the house, shuffling my little feet to build it up just so I could walk up to my brother and touch him on the ear: zzzzzzzzzap!

He had it coming. You’ll have to trust me about that. I know it, he knows it, we all know it: little brothers everywhere, at some point, have it coming.

Where was I?

Oh, yes. The static.

Even the cats have fallen prey to the dry air, particularly Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers), whose long Siamese-cum-rabbit-hair coat has taken on a rather Rod-Stewart look of late.

It’s attractive until she opens her little semi-toothless mouth. That cat can’t sing for shit.

It’s not like I’ve totally given up on regaining a static-free existence. I apply lotion almost continually (not to the cat). I smooth my traitor-ish hair into compliance by licking my fingers and pulling the escapees down to join the originally intended ‘do. I’m thinking of forming a support group for the chronically dry, for those tired of the repeated shocks of this high-flyin’ Minnesota lifestyle.

I’m gonna hang in there – for another four, maybe five months, while waiting for Spring – I’m gonna hang in there. For Minnesota. For the rights and dignity of those without humidity.

For you. I’m gonna do it for you.

38 comments:

Under the Influence said...

I hear ya! I use Chi Silk Infusion on the days I straighten my hair and TIGI Bed Head Manipulator on the days I don't.

I can't help you with the cat's fur, though. May Chi Silk Infusion or TIGI Bed Head Manipulator? Or you could call Rod Stewart and see how he handles his locks.

Comedy Goddess said...

Pearl, how do you do it? Bearing the brunt of static electricity? You are remarkable!

Audrey said...

You go girl!

Because England is so damp, you just don't get that kind of static problem--you can't even get Static Gaurd here for chrissakes. Man, how these people ever had an empire without Static Gaurd is a complete mystery to me.

Julian Meteor said...

I use Chi Silk too. But do NOT tell Nan.

Barbara Blundell said...

Hi Pearl,
Can you not harness this static electricity and put it to good use ? Perhaps it would power the Tv or the kettle or the washing machine or the fridge or on good days the elevator at work.You could apply for a rise as you would be using your own power.

Karthik - A David Lynch in the making... said...

Hey.. Sorry awkward to not drop a comment regarding your post, but I happened to think you're a really popular blogger.. Well.. I think I've got substance.. If only you'd visit mine.. You're free to express your opinion :)

Kudos
:)

Jess said...

LMAO! Well, I wouldn't mind sharing some of our humidity with you...but no doubt there is a tax on that.

Good luck!

Michelle said...

So i have curly hair! What does that mean for me as far as static electricity???

Please research and get back to me ASAP!!!

Thanks!!!

Also, may the force be with you girlie!!!

Not The Rockefellers said...

From one "zap head" to another.

I feel your mane. :)

peace - Rene

Jenni said...

my friend who lives in arizona
and is always being plauged by dry air
acutally sleeps with dryer sheets
tucked away in her pillow.
she says they help and she always smells
like she just came out of the dryer =]
and i really enjoyed the part about little brothers!
=]

justsomethoughts... said...

i might be able to power up the whole friggin city with the jolt i get each time i get out of the car. my clothing singes.

SweetPeaSurry said...

I am so with you on this. I am also in a static-cling environment. While I haven't gone completely insane and broken out the humidifier, I do keep a pot of water simmering on the stove. Not as wet as a humidifier ... but not as dry as without one. :)

Vic said...

It's always something, isn't it? We've got wind here in southern CA (three days now!), and it's so dry I swear you can hear your hair scritching across your scalp when you move your head. I've never tried Chi Silk, but I'm a-gonna.

I picture you like when we went to the science center as kids and put out hands on the big metal ball - did anyone else do that, or am I hallucinating again?

Pearl said...

UTI, that's not a bad idea.

Comedy Goddess, it's the price I pay for living in God's Country.
*cough*

Audrey, is it always damp? That reminds me. Seriously. I was reading a book set in England not long ago where they mentioned "chilblains" because of the damp/cold? I have to look that up. Not sure we have the chilblains in the U.S. -- perhaps we call it something else?

Julian, it is safe with me. And by "safe with me", I mean I will expect compensation in the mail for my complicity.

Hi, Barbara! We've discussed this, my friends and I, a number of times. But, as usual, there is drinking involved and no one takes notes...

Karthik, thanks for the compliment. I'm not sure I'm popular, but I appreciate you thinking so. Sure, I'll drop by; but can we handle another David Lynch?! I'm still recovering from "Eraserhead"...

Jess, if it CAN be taxed, it WILL be taxed. But I know a guy who knows a guy -- maybe we can work something out...

Michelle, naturally curly hair, as in "Peanuts" strip cartoon character will tell you, exempts you from anything ugly. I believe you are immune to static.
Now go forth and be beautiful. :-)

Oh, Rene. :-D Why didn't I think of that?! You're like my friend Mary, who often times has the perfect expression for the occasion.
I feel your mane. Freaking awesome.
I'm going to write that down and use it in a couple of years. :-)

Jenni, I want to stand next to your friend in the elevator. :-)

justsomethoughts, and that's another bad one, huh? The damn car jolt... I wonder if enough static electricity can be built up to actually be dangerous?!

SweetPea, my parents do that on the wood stove they have in their garage... You'd have to see it to know that it's a pretty decent little garage... But I digress. I think I'll do that today, actually, put a pot of water on the stove. Good idea!

Pearl

Irish Gumbo said...

"That cat can't sing for shit" - wasn't that what they said about Buster Poindexter?

Been having the same problem off and on here in Maryland. Accidently defibrillated my cats the other morning, they were not amused.

I am, however, greatly amused by this, Pearl! Good stuff!

Pearl said...

IG -- He couldn't really sing, but he had PRESENCE, diddin 'e?
Still have a couple of New York Dolls albums around here somewhere. Not that I have a working turntable anymore...

Pearl

Eric S. said...

Hey, as the youngest brother out of a total of eight, WE NEVER HAD IT COMING. I can picture you walking around with the bride of Frankenstein look, LOL.

The cats create a picture all thier own, ROFL.

ARCHAVIST said...

Hey I'm your 100th follower. Do I get a surprise or something?

Pearl said...

Eric, oh, sure ya did. You know what you did. :-) Although maybe as the youngest of eight you needed some sort of get-away...

Archavist! 100 followers! Wow. I'm actually a little worked up over here... I wish it was Saturday, I would so have a beer or six, just in celebration.
As for the 100th follower, you're talking to a working-class kinda gal. But if you're ever in Minneapolis, I promise I will buy you (and me) a beer. I promise.

Pearl

Jenn and Den said...

So you know, Pearl, smoothing your 'do with saliva-soaked fingers only makes matters worse for your hair. But this is supposedly the perfect remedy for all outer clothing.

I know...this sounds simply disgusting (and potentially embarassing) but please just try it.

Dennis

Pearl said...

Dennis, I'm gonna do it. I've always felt saliva was under-utilized, and now I'm gonna be at the forefront of saliva promotion.

Geez I'm a smart ass today.

Pearl

Barbara Blundell said...

Chilblains were a terrible affliction affecting the extremities. You got them in the winter if you thawed out frozen toes too quickly by the fire . Wherever was hit was swollen,itchy and sore . A recommended cure for chilblained feet was to stick them in the 'pot de chambre' if you had one. I never tried this - I just put 'Snowfire 'on them.Not had them for years as winters have been much milder until now.

Irish Gumbo said...

Pearl:

New York Dolls, you say? You just keep gettin' more intrerestrin' the more I keep readin' you...:)

Bee said...

I do not know what Audrey is talking about! I live 20 minutes away from her (in England) and I have PLENTY of static. In my case, the hair goes very flat on top of my head and then flies out at the sides . . . where it is most unflattering.

I'm really sorry that you will have to endure this until May. We just had a solid month of freezing temps, and I am ready for it be over.

Pearl said...

THank you, Barbara! Yikes. I've had childblains, to some extent. Froze all 10 toes, all my fingers, and a cheek (the facial variety) as a teenager to the point of the flesh being hard and very white -- not to blackness, thank heavens. SO painful. Frozen flesh needs to be thawed out very slowly, not with heat. Lukewarm water at best. It's still going to burn terribly...
Now, any time I get properly cold, they hurt something awful. I always tell the immigrants at the bus stop (the South American ones, particularly) that it's not just that "cold" is uncomfortable, if it doesn't kill you it can ruin the cells permanently.
Thanks for the info, Barbara!!

IG, I am just one interesting person, what can I say. :-) Humble as hell, too.
I have a huge record collection. Well, maybe not HUGE, but I've got about 600 of the wax variety...

Pearl

Pearl said...

Bee, the worst of it is coming next week. Apparently we're going Arctic... I'm ready. Got my leggings, my down coat, my cashmere sweater. The only thing I don't have is a face mask, and that's where we're heading next week -- face-mask weather.
Yikes. No wonder we go nuts come Spring!
Pearl

Ann's Rants said...

Oh Pearl, dear Pearl. Hell truely is going to freeze over this week. Highs in the low to mid ZERO! Pearl, why do we live here, Pearl? Pearl? Pearl? SOMEONE THAW PEARL!

Jeanne said...

I lived in St. Paul for three years, and I could never understand how a place with 10,000 lakes could be so DRY in the winter???

Dr Zibbs said...

Try wearing a tin foil hat. I hear that works.

Braja said...

How can you do a post like this without photos is beyond me. I feel so...cheated....

The Wife O Riley said...

I keep a box of Bounce in my desk, and Bounce sheets in my pockets. When static electricity rears it's ugly head, I combat it with those.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

OMG! I completely forgot about the static cling. I've been gone from winter weather for 28 years. I always get that homesick feeling around this time wishing for some snow and cold weather but I completely forgot about the static electricity.

June Saville said...

Give me static rather than the humid weather we're having here in our summer Pearl. I'm swimming in sweat (as a lady would not say).
June in Oz

Gadjo Dilo said...

That's what cats are for, surely: rub your hands up and down a nylon sheet a few times then hold them above the cat making it look like a tribble.

American in Norway said...

Sounds like Norway! My entire family has the static thing going on! Great blog!

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

shocking!

take a dryer sheet and rub it all over you. it seriously works.

nikkicrumpet said...

I not only love the title of your blog...but I love the way you think and write. Great for laughs!!!

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I'm with the Irish woman-- dryer sheets are amazing. I can't live without them in this freaking tundra we live in!! And really--- I want pictures of electrified cats on the lap of the bride of Frankenstein!