I've been included in a Minnesota anthology "Under Purple Skies", now available on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

The Best Lookin’ Guy at Walmart

If you know me, and frankly, it certainly seems like you do, then you might suspect that I have opinions. Go ahead: give me a subject! I’ll bet I have an opinion on it – and if I don’t, I’ll bet I can make one up, right here on the spot.

I mention that so that I can mention this: I don’t like Walmart.

And I mentioned that so that I could mention this: Willie and I got a $50 Walmart gift card from his mother for Christmas.

I dislike Walmart. Cheaply made stuff; low wages; multiple lawsuits, both decided and pending, seeking to enforce, oh, the laws in the U.S. regarding overtime and benefits; the futile efforts of small towns to keep the Walmarts out in order to save their family-run businesses and keep their downtowns alive – those kinds of things get to me.

Hey! If you don’t like it, don’t go there/work there, right?

But then we got a $50 gift card.

Oh, sure. I could’ve bought $50 worth of toothpaste or something. But honestly, our house was built in 1904 – which means that we have no closet space. Where would I stockpile these sorts of things? On the porch?

But what we bought is not important.

What size I am in clothing made by tiny, tiny women in Southeast Asia is not important, either.

What’s important – and we’ve quite enjoyed this, Willie and I! – is that Willie was the best-looking man in that store.

What does it take to be the best-looking guy at a Walmart? Well, all your own teeth, to start with. Willie’s got that. He also does not appear to be in the third trimester of a pregnancy; he doesn’t wearing saggy old sweatpants; nor does he holler from one end of the store to the other, as one man did, that the “shit paper’s over here!”.

That's all it takes.

I’m one a lucky woman, people. 2009 is absolutely brimming with possibilities.

Hands off, ladies! I got me the best-looking man at Walmart!

17 comments:

Unknown said...

Lol... wow, that sounds just like our Wal-mart. They must release a phermone that draws them in. Happy 2009!

♥ Braja said...

Yeah but Heinous, how come YOU'RE there....?

Diane said...

This made me laugh out loud! I call WalMart 'The Evil Empire', for many of the reasons you described, and only go there out of sheer desperation (which means about once every 3 years... if I'm unlucky). When my daughter finds out that something she wants is only sold at WalMart, her face falls and she says, "Oh, well, I didn't really want it anyway." I'm a mean, mean mommy, I know. What gets me, though, is that the few times I've been there, I'M the best looking woman in the store! And let me tell you, THAT is saying something!! ;) Thanks for my first out loud chuckle of the day!

The Wife O Riley said...

I try to only go to Walmart when I am having self-esteem issues. It never fails to make me feel better.

KMcJoseph said...

Walmart is like the freak show of our time. Anytime I want to see a bearded lady, I know where to go.

Kavi said...

LOL ! Walmart has an international reputation that precedes them. there were protests here..even when the whiff of their entry was felt..

But unlike that...if you ever are coming here...You will get a royal welcome. You and the best looking gent !!

:)

Sherri Murphy said...

Have you been in K-Mart lately?

You'd be the belle of the ball!

Unknown said...

I try to avoid Wal-Mart at all costs...it's just migraine inducing and shoddily stocked.

Plus I am sooo Target's bitch.

But I must say that the Wal-Mart in my area is very good to the food pantry and shelter.

So I have to give them props for that.

But their business practices as a whole make me cringe.

Peace - Rene

Anonymous said...

When WalMart does their "Top 100 Sexiest Customers Calendar" you'd better send all of us an autographed copy!

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

What a wonderful sentimentalist you are! Happy New Year...

justsomethoughts... said...

ahhh crap.
i thought I was the best looking guy in walmart
wait
i dont ever shop at walmart
pearl, we must be related
but, i will shop at target
so i dont know what that makes me
but anyway, i may just be the best looking man in taget
a small consolation, i know...

derfina said...

Kinda like bein' the purtiest girl in the trailer park, eh?

Hooch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hooch said...

I hate Wal-mart! It sux. Don't ever get me a gift card for me there!

Brian

WV: coths
Def.: Thur you can thop there, but whatth the real coths?

Cassoulet Cafe said...

I just did a post on "Why I Hate Walmart", so I've totally got yer back here :) Nasty.

Anonymous said...

What the heck is Wal-mart? Apart from a place to meet gorgeous single guys, that is?

Red Squirrel said...

You have houses that old in america? *gasp*