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Monday, January 26, 2009

Because I Can’t Leave Well Enough Alone, or Commercials Ripped My Flesh

The initial problem, of course, is that my television is on in the first place. This, I cannot account for.

And every now and then, I actually sit down and watch it. Normally it’s the background (when the iPod’s not on) but I’m obsessed with crime shows, shows with the word “forensic” in the title. I can’t seem to help myself.

What can I say? Human beings are fascinating.

But there’s a price to pay when you watch TV. First it’s the cable bill, and then there’s the real charge: being subjected to the commercials.

They say if you look anything like your passport photo that you’re probably too ill to travel.

May I also offer that if you are anything like the people in commercials you are too stupid to either use those products or mix amongst the general public.

My most recent irritations?

Gingerbread candles do not smell like fresh cookies, nor do boxed cookies look anything like fresh-baked and fool no one. I wouldn’t buy a Glade (glaw-day) candle if it came with a book of recipes of genuinely delicious no-carb desserts.

Commercials that include fresh-faced young families preparing for a party while doing their chores and singing Queen’s “We Will Rock You” cause me to leap toward the remote. There should be laws against using the songs of my youth to sell shit. I’m talking to you, Wal-mart.

The current trend in commercials of vapid, wide-eyed males playing the part of “Constipated Male” or “Man Confused by Yogurt” is dead in the water. Can we just move on to whatever other group the Marketing folk are going to mock next?

And regarding the commercials for male "enhancement"/"performance" and the smug middle-aged couples playing the horny people hawking these products? (OMG they’re so sure it will increase your size they will give you a week’s worth for free!) Ack. Do we really need to see these every 30 minutes? Are there that many people out there that believe you can order penis-expanding pills?

I know it’s not real. And I know I shouldn’t let it bother me. But who are these companies selling to?

34 comments:

The Retired One said...

YES !!!!
They have actually gotten WORSE than when they used to have Beaver Cleaver's mother dressed in heels and pearls while singing and pushing a Hoover vacuum with her oh-so-polished red nails. Those ads and now, these ads are BOTH awful. I mean,I don't want so much reality as to show what a dirty toilet REALLY looks like, but can't they try harder? (The only good ones are the ones during the Super Bowl, which I definitely think are better than the actual game!) They sure are better than watching a wardrobe malfunction, that's for sure!!

rachael said...

LOL, agreed they have gotten worse to the point of desperation.

Truly there are some very clever commercials, but they are few and far between lately.

I love the way you look at things, LOL, great post!

darsden said...

Great Post and totally agree. The one I can't stand is, touch, touch, touch, touchs time like 1500 then it is feel....over a frigging kleenex PLEASE!!! I do the leaps and bound thing too to mute or turn it off. Then the male enhancement dude smiling, and the women lining up...I would like to punch his teeth out or stuff his mouth with sumpin'!

Pearl said...

Retired One, but WHY?! I realize that's a childish question, but WHY do they have to be so stupid?!

Thanks, Rachael. It's true that there are some clever commercials out there, but I'd say nine out of ten make me think violent thoughts...

Darsden, touch touch tough feel. Those morons. Don't they have study or research groups out there telling them what the consumers are thinking? We're not that rare, are we, that we find this stuff offensive?

De Campo said...

NO !!!

After years of being without commercials I love coming back to the states and indulging in all their absurdity! Military personnel overseas are cursed with the Armed Forces Network who refuses to show commercials. Imagine Super Bowl without commercials!

Instead of regular commercials they broadcast public service announcements about how your neighbor/lover/parents/pet/ and the guy at 29th street with his hands in his pants are all part of an underground terrorist cell bent on killing you and your right to watch infomercials.

Commercials keep the motherland from being gripped with paralyzing paranoia!

Pearl said...

De Campo, that is an interesting take and I am both intrigued and amused by your opinion on commercials, however wrong you might be...
:-D

Dr Zibbs said...

Viva Viagra is the worst one!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Apparently, there are plenty of people trying to rock the Enzyte, as they can afford to sponsor NASCAR stuff.

Don't ask how I know. I'll just put up the out that I live in North By God Carolina.

Also, yeah, stupid effing Wal-Mart and the raping of songs I once enjoyed.

Under the Influence said...

Someone is buying that shit or they wouldn't be able to afford the commercials!

I laugh at the Viagra commercial when they say if you have an erection for more than 4 hours go to the ER. I wonder - is that ER alert for the hubby or the wife, because if my husband had an erection for 4 hours, I would need the ER.

MikeP said...

I most hate the one where each of the old men in turn misses the chance to be in the photo because he has to go to the restroom. They couldn't wait five minutes?

Michelle said...

Hi Pearl,
I just saw a commercial yesterday for a blanket with SLEEVES!!!! I am not joking!!

You sit on the sofa and stick your hands in the sleeves of the blanket and now your hands are FREE to do as the please!!! Yes, you can do anything while wearing the sleeve blanket!!!! They even showed people wearing them outdoors at a football game. They looked freakishly odd.

I thought to myself WTF??? (What the fuck)....then quickly changed the channel as though doing that would make it less real!!!!

I was frightened!!!

HAPPY MONDAY GIRLIE!!!

Charlotte Ann said...

My nephew in the military in Europe would have me tape the commercials and send to him. He missed them!

Scrappy Doo said...

Pearl,
My side hurts from laughing so hard. I agree with you 100% the dumbing down to try to sell me something has totally the opposite
effect.
I want to choke the "light relief" guy.
I must admit I do watch the superbowl ones for the Budwiser Clyesdales. and they don't make me want to by beer but, a horse. LOL ad man!

Susan said...

I'm with Dr. Zibbs - Viva Viagra is just fucking retarded. AND I had to explain it to my ten year old yesterday. And if I'm going to have a romantic weekend, you won't find me sitting in a separate tub holding hands on top of a mountain. The hell?

Steve said...

"There should be laws against using the songs of my youth to sell shit." Oh yes. You had me at "there".

Cameron said...

Whaddaya mean it's not real? They won't make my weiner bigger? But what about that smilin' Bob guy, he says my weiner will get bigger. And then the other one says I can pop a pill and three days later still make it stand at attention in 2 seconds. Probably gonna tell me that ain't real either, huh?

Blicky Kitty said...

I think so many people can fast forward the tivo remote now that they put the slack jawed lackeys of the advertising world on the tv commercial assignments. It's the only other explaination I can think of.

Thanks for stopping by, because I'm happy I get to read your blog now!

La Belette Rouge said...

Teevo has freed me from needing to rip my flesh off. I feel enormous joy fast forwarding over commercials telling my which medications I should ask my doctor for.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Viva la TiVO Revolucion! I agree that with TiVO I never have to sit through these ridiculous, insipid commercials again. It is a sad state of affairs when I look back on the "wassuuuuuup" budweiser commercials of yesteryear fondly.

Pearl said...

TiVo? Tee-voe? What are you people, from the future?!

Not The Rockefellers said...

The drug ads get me. Seems the treatment is waaay worse than the cure. Why is dry mouth and diarrhea always a side effect?

I love the one for the sleep aid that mentions gambling and increased sexual urges as a side effect.

"By the way how is the sleep aid helping you?"

"Woke up under a black jack dealer, not sure how thaaat happened but I slept like a baby."

Peace - Rene

darsden said...

I can't get through a commercial without thinking What would Pearl think of this one...LOL

ROTFLMFAO at your Tivo remark. You truly are a "Pearl" Pearl!

Red Squirrel said...

'Glade (glaw-day)' - please tell me that's not how it's pronounced over there!!! :-S

Oh, and you should have the BBC. It doesn't have commercials. It does result in every episode of 24 therefore being only 45 minutes long, making the whole series only 18 hours.

I think they should've called it 18 over here just to make the point....

Sweet Cheeks said...

I get extremely sad everytime I see a KFC commercial...Sweet Home Alabama...What a tragedy...
*sniff sniff*

khaye said...

this is a funny read and an interesting post!

Pearl said...

Rene, that was very nicely done. :-)

Red Squirrel, "Glaw-day" is how the pretension bubble-headed housewife-figure in the commercial pronounces it, hoping to fool her friends into believing she'd purchased something luxuriously expensive (in the U.S., "French" connotates some sort of pricey decadence).
I apologize for telling you that. Now you're screwed.

Darsden, I'm sorry!!

Sweet Cheeks, they ruined that song, didn't they!

khaye, I'm glad you think so!

Leon Basin said...

Great points! How are you doing? Hope all is well.

Gadjo Dilo said...

It does sound tacky indeed. I've got the reverse situation here though: there's a new advert with a Romanian pop song from the 70s, and I was just warmed to hear that they had pop music at all here under communism! (p.s. can one really get penis-expanding pills?? Why has nobody ever tried to sell any to me?)

Julian Meteor said...

I would mind some pills for my penis.
Mine's only two inches

FROM THE GROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
J.O.T.D (joke of the day)?
Please confirm

fingers said...

The ads have to be dumb so the dumb-asses they're targeting understand them. You can't sell garbage to smart people just by showing it to them. And of course dumb ads for dumb people need to be shown during the dumb shows made specifically for dumb-asses to watch, so that smart people can sell the dumb-asses a dumb product they don't really need...

Kavi said...

They sure have an audience !! And there must be some study to show that these 'instruments' work !!

And then, there is hope !!

So.

Jeanne said...

The ones that really annoy me are the infomercial type, where they show someone using product A in the most inept fashion possible, and then another person using their product with the motor skill of a Benihana chef. I always find myself thinking that if person A can't use a freaking mop properly, spending 3 payments of $19.95 is NOT going to fix the problem

Douglas said...

As the designated opposition, I have to say I am entertained by most of these really stupid commercials. Especially Bob and his daze, but happy, grinning wife.

Since I am not buying any of these things, I don't get upset by them. If others buy into these things, well... What was that about a sucker born every minute? Who are we to interfere?

HumorSmith said...

I have to say dvrs and tivo are the best things to happen to TV since the remote. Now I have to figure out a way to avoid commercials while watching TV shows online.

Preferably while I still have some flesh left on my body.