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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Why is Everything So Gross?!

My apologies, in advance…

With the idea in mind that we tend to notice more of the same once something’s been brought to our attention, I am very sorry to report that, in the same vein as my incredibly well-deserved (and fully paid for) hangover and the stench produced by my only child, I’ve another disgusting subject to bring up in polite company.

That’s right, people. From the woman who brought you blogging from the couch with the remnants of her beer-soaked brain and “My Son Has Gas”, I bring to you “It’s Time to Shave the Cat’s Ass”.

Go ahead. I know you want to. I can hear your brain ticking from here. There are just so many jokes to be made, and they’re all delightfully scatological...

Happy Holidays!

I don’t know what happened, but Dolly G. Squeakers aka Dahli Gee aka What the Hell is THAT?! has developed a matted spot under her tail that defies description; and in the name of all that is fluffy, I will let your own twisted little minds take care of what happens to a long-haired cat’s butt-al area when she’s not terribly into grooming herself…

“No worries!” they said at the boarding and grooming place down the road. “This happens a lot to long-haired cats. Tell me, is she a mellow cat? Will she need to be sedated?”

I don’t know! You tell me: Have you met a cat yet who was okay with having its butt shaved?


ICKY said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ICKY said...

How could you possibly think something wouldnt enjoy having its ass shaved. Obviously, youve never had your ass shaved.
I told you....just bring the damn thing to my house and I'll do it.
The cat that is....not your ass.

Pearl said...

Hi, Icky.
This post just embarrasses me, but I had to write it! WHY did I have to write it? Because I'm a tard!!

La Belette Rouge said...

We had a long haired cat who sometimes had areas of grooming he would miss. We did trim the fur on that area so that there not as many "growths."

Dorkys Ramos said...

Wow, sounds like a problem I'm so glad I don't have. The cat not the having matted hair there.

Good luck and thanks for stopping by my blog. Glad to hear you enjoyed the visit :)

Ann's Rants said...

I can't stop myself with grossness either. We need help.

Skywalker said...

Are you shaving your entire cat or just the butt?

Thats' gross and funny and hairless butt cat.

Pearl said...

La Bellette, I've had long-haired cats before, but they were always tiny, neat little things that took care of themselves. This is new ground we're breaking here!

Hi, Dorkys,
Thanks for stopping by! Sorry it had to be on a day where the topic was shaving a cat's rear end...

Hi, Ann.
Oh, don't get me going. :-)

Hi, Skywalker.
Well, now that you mention it, if it wasn't winter I do think it would be kinda funny to shave the whole cat. :-) Just leave the face and neck, feet and tail... But honestly, she's not matted anywhere else. Just exactly where you wish she was NOT matted...


Anna Lefler said...

I am shuddering for you because having been a cat owner, I think we both know how this little procedure is going to go down (so to speak).

I also can relate because we now have a cockapoo whose nethers often need to be tidied in between groomings. Guess whose job THAT is?


Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with tidy booteys!



Braja said...

In Australia they're called "dags." Bits of dried poo that hang off a sheep's bum. So when you want someone to hurry up, you tell them to "rattle your dags."
So you just tell that to little miss Dahli Gee, "rattle your dags on down to that pussy salon..." Yeah, and I'll leave you with THAT image...HA!!

Pearl said...

Hi, Anna.
"Nethers". :-) I don't know why, but that really struck me as funny.

Hi, Braja.
Well that's a new one! "Dags".
We call them "dingleberries".


sticky said...

I laughed SO hard!! Could just see you following the poor cat around with shavers...trying not to look at what you had to sahve...hee hee...what a great way to start my day!

Kavi said...


What a chain. What an incredible chain.

A beer gets into you
Gas gets out of the son.
And cat gets its ass shaven !

My God ! All animals are equal. Some are indeed more !


nsiyer said...

Cats have nine lives which makes them ideal for experimentation.

That means eight more times....

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

once you try to shave that cats ass? it's goodbye my sweet little pearl.

there are two things that i am certain off, no three.

you will be deficated on. you will be scratched. and you will definately be bitten.

how do i know this? not personally of course. really.

derfina said...

Thank Goddess for Spa Day at PetSmart, eh? There are some things mommy just doesn't tackle-ears, toenails, eyeslime and poopywoolyboogers. I leave those for the professionals.

SweetPeaSurry said...

OMG ... too funny.

I used to have 2 doggies, long haired doggies. Maltese to be exact, and I would routinely have to shave their bums. Often times it was a smelly icky mess. A necessary evil though.


Good luck with that!!! :)

SassyTwoSocks said...

ahahahahah. This cracks me up. With two cats of my own, one who grooms herself meticulously and one who thinks a 2-second lick job does the trick, I can understand you completely. I'd go with sedation. There's nothing worse than an irate cat.

EskimoBob said...

I arrived at my office, got myself a nice mug of hot cocoa, having subdued Christmas music in the background; Zen, peaceful, the eve to Christmas Eve. I turn on your blog, and Cat Ass. (Sip Hot Cocoa).
Ahh, Merry Christmas.

"Yes, I am ready for my 10 o'clock Edith."

The Retired One said...

Well...who'd ever think you'd get this many comments about your cat's ass shaving?
And, Lord knows I never thought I would be commenting on it..
but it was hilarious! Who needs holiday stress when you can just log on and read about your cat having its ass shaved?
Knock, knock....
Who's There?
Cat's Ass
Cat's Ass who?
Cats ass who would of thought up such a blog!?

Eric S. said...

OMG, we had a Pomeranian, and have to shave it's ass all the time. YUCK.

Pearl said...

Hi, Sticky.
I'm just going to smile and shake my head... Oh, my. See? This is what I'm going home to tonight...

Hi, Kavi.
It's a strange ol' universe, is it not? :-)

Hi, nsiyer,
Too bad she can't spend a couple of those nine lives as a SHORThaired cat!

Hi, Irish Woman!
Oh, I've no doubt. I've already had experience with a serious cat bite and the "fun" that goes along with something like that. No thank you! I am willing to PAY someone to shave my cat's ass... :-)

Hi, Derfina!
Exactly. Like I say, I am willing to pay for this!

Hi, Sweet Pea.
Oh, the things we find out AFTERwards...

Hi, Sassy.
Well I know that I would want to be sedated. :-)

Hi, EskimoBob.
:-) I aims to please!

Hi, Retired One.
You have no idea what kind of trepidation I felt in posting this. The whole thing seemed to have gone what "what IS that?" to "Oh, Good God, get the phone book" in just a couple days. I HAD to write about it, but I was honestly pretty nervous about how it would come off.
Thanks for commenting. :-)

Hi, Eric.
I just never knew! I mean, it makes SENSE; but I never knew!

If THIS is out there, what ELSE don't I know?!

The implications are staggering...


Anonymous said...

You'd best talk to Liza Bean and tell her NOT to mock Dolly when she gets back from the groomer...or else you'll cancel her subscription to Spy Magazine. :)

Pearl said...

Ah, Sweet Cheeks, I never even considered the possible humiliation on Dolly's part...
I will have a stern tete a tete with the Striped One. She can be quite reasonable, particularly if there is catnip involved...

justsomethoughts... said...

personally, i have never met a cat that likes to have it's hiney shaved.
i must confess however, to not knowing many (or any, to be perfectly honest) cats with any degree of familiarity, so my opinion should not be regarded with much weight.

Alan Mizell said...

Ewww. Merry Christmas.

The Wife O Riley said...

Just be thankful that you took that cat to the groomers!

That happened to us, and without getting into too many details, wine was poured, clipper appeared and to make a long story short, we had to pull a cat that was almost completely shaved off of the top of the curtains.

Fida said...

I knew I'd have a good time coming over, read your blog, and my day would look o.k. again – and my cats ass, it does!

Ps: the word verification: badadiss - go figure!

Lilly's Life said...

Yes but you are a lovely tard who we love to laugh with or even at onthe odd occasion, he he. Have a great Christmas!!

Pearl said...

Hi, Justsomethoughts.
Duly registered. :-)

Hi, Alan.
And Happy New Year!

Hi Wife O Riley!
That sounds like a fabulous story...

Hi, Fida.
I like how you said that!

Hi, Lilly.
I like that.


Steve said...

Where is Victor Kiam when you need him?

Braja said...

Even worse, we call people dags. And it's even considered affectionate!

Henry the Dog said...

Well I have to have my bum shaved from time to time and believe me despite what ICKY says, it's no fun. I shut my eyes tight and hold my breath - I'm always fearful she might slip or something when she's doing it - my balls are really close to my bum. Yes, I do still have them and want to keep them:)

Happy Christmas xxx

Lee said...

Merry Christmas and a safe New Year!

Pearl said...

Ah, Steve.
Now THAT was funny!

Hi, Braja.
That sounds about right. Amazing the terms we use to those we love...

Hi, Henry.
Oh, see, and that's what I'm thinking, too.

Hi, Lee.
Thank you, and the same to you.


Sarah Gostrangely said...

Your poor moggie!

The embarrassment.

And then you blog about it....she's probably plotting your demise afresh a la Stewie in Family Guy.

Better to shave, though, than shit on your arse. I find, anyway.