I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Monday, December 15, 2008

These Cards Aren’t Going to Address Themselves, You Know! Or, But I Don’t Want to!

So help me, it’s time to get serious about my Christmas card list.

I’ve got the box of cards; I’ve got the stamps and the address book arranged around me. I’ve got the TV set to Forensic Files. I’m ready to go.

Now I just have to build up the desire to address 40-some cards and envelopes.

I’ve tried to develop the desire by folding laundry, eating nachos, drinking copious amounts of Fresca, visiting my favorite blogs, and texting friends. I’ve made a grocery list. I made ham and bean soup. I did the dishes. I’ve applauded Willie’s semi-annual cleaning of the cat box.

Oddly enough, my cards still aren’t done.

This doesn’t surprise me. I can be ridiculously task-averse. Go ahead. Tell me what to do.

But deadlines. Oh, I do take a deadline seriously. The “drop-dead” date, as they say in the corporates. I’m apt to take seriously something that uses the word “dead” in the description. Seems pretty final.

And there’s no real room for negotiation on, say, a holiday card.

So here it is: I’m going to open this damn box; I’m going to use my return-address labels rather than hand-writing my return address forty-some times, even if some people think it’s tacky; I’m going to pull out my address book and figure out whose been naughty and nice. I’m going to get it done tonight.

Wait. Does that sound cocky? The naughty-and-nice bit? What is the expectation on cards, anyway? If I’ve sent you a card for several years running but never gotten one back, I’m perfectly within societal boundaries if I drop you from my list, right?


I’ve done it to myself.

Happy Seasonal Expectations, everyone!


Braja said...

Seasonal expectations, I have none. No one knows it's Christmas around here.

Tracey said...

I have learned my limitations: if the cards aren't done by December 1st, they won't get done, so let that dead dog lie and leave it ALONE. One year, I actually wrote them out (with pictures and a freakin letter), addressed and everything, only to leave them to sit on my desk because I never got stamps.

Still have them... Maybe I could just send them out this year and hope no one notices the missing child's name that has since been born??

Susan said...

This is the first year in MANY that I haven't even thought of sending Christmas cards. I always take the time to write a personal note in each and generally send over 120 of them. This year? Bah humbug. I'll do better in 2009. Good luck!

frogponder said...

People have been know to complain to my parents if I don't send them!! Here I am, a grown woman, with three children, and I get turned into the parents!

Anonymous said...

Writing out Christmas cards is like having sex when you don't want to. There's a lot of licking involved and it takes much longer than you want to get done. When its finally over your hand is all cramped up and you need to brush your teeth..no wonder you drag your feet...

BarbaraCA said...

One year I simply turned a word document into a pdf with some photos tossed in and emailed it to everyone.

I know.

La Belette Rouge said...

I am likely to get kicked off people's Christmas card lists. I am not sending out any cards. I admire your efforts. I don't have the upper body strength to apply the return-address labels

MikeP said...

Isn't it odd that this yearly task means we actually have to make a list of those people we expect are our friends? It's a little like imagining who will show up at the funeral--a catalog of the likely attendees. No wonder we try to put it off to the last minute.

Kavi said...

Stamps and paper and cards ! Since ages...my greetings have been limited to the keyboard !

But this is making me nostalgic...


Diane said...

Oh, we are the same person (well, we are if you just got a fingerful of strawberry jam on your keyboard... again... damn!). Anyway, my cards aren't done either. This year, though, I'm thinking I might meet the whole deadline thing with a nice blog post and photo, and an email link to it for everyone on my Christmas card list. Less stress... less mess... less postage. Works for me!

justsomethoughts... said...

here's hoping i'm on the "nice" list....

Aria said...

LOL Bless you for doing cards at all (haven't in years!) and hell-owww, use the return address labels, they're lucky you're not running off a send-to address label maker program and simply signing your name without putting in the To Jane Doe part at the top... This, of course, is how I knew it was time for me to stop sending Christmas cards...

Pearl said...

Hi, Braja.
Now how did I miss the dance?!

Hi, Tracey.
Actually, I say glue a pic of New Baby on to it and send it out.
:-) I would think it was funny...

Oooh, Susan! 120! I thought I was nuts with my lousy 40 but you win!
And I don't think anyone would blame you for just looking forward to 2009. 2008 was what you are going to refer to later in life as "The Worst Year Ever". :-(

Frogponder -- Really? To your parents?! What an awful, awful person you must be. :-)
Well at least I got that going for me, I guess! Or perhaps my parents have just not mentioned it to me yet... Hmmm.

SweetCheeks, there should be some sort of reward for that comment. Icky actually CALLED me to tell me to check out your response. :-) Pretty funny!!

Hi, Barbara.
But they got 'em by Christmas, right?!

La Belette Rouge,
I've been working on my upper body strength all year through a combined yoga/beer consumption routine. I now have the strength to get quite drunk while talking people into attempting the various yoga poses. It's a great get-to-know-you at the pub.

MikeP, I know! I don't like looking at things like that, but dagnab it how many times does a gal send a card before she looks like a stalker? I'm thinking three...

Hi, Kavi.
It will shock you, then, to discover that I also write checks to pay the bulk of my bills... :-)

Hi, Diane.
That's a nice idea, but I know too many people who don't even own a computer!

Hi, justsomethoughts...
You are still on the "nice" list.

Hi, Aria.
The upside, too, of sending cards is receiving them. You wouldn't believe how many cards I've received are so pretty that I've actually framed them for decorating-during-the-holidays purposes!


Lilly's Life said...

Pearl, if Liza can blog she can sure write some cards for you...supervised of course...and quite frankly I couldnt say it any better than Sweet Cheeks...she hit it on the head so to speak.

EskimoBob said...

Christmas Cards? I'm intrigued by what you speak of. Do tell more...

oh really?


(dozing off)

Every year?!?! Wow.

Just to anyone? Of course I was joking. eh? ha ha ha?

Pearl said...

Hi, Lilly.
Good point! That fuzzy little bugger owes me. "Shrimp cocktail" on the grocery list again, my ass!

Hi, EskimoBob.
Put your head up against the screen here and I'll whisper it to you...



KMcJoseph said...

I think you need a personal assistant.

derfina said...

If I could do it (heh. You know the drill) all on the computer, it would be done ten times over. As it stands, the Santa Cow is as good as it gets.

Henry the Dog said...

They're kind of laid back about this Christmas lark over here in France. They don't get as whipped up into a frenzy as they do in the UK and US. Mum's only sent cards to her english friends and she sent them all e-cards this year. SO easy.

Brother Tobias said...

Doing mailing labels from a database was going to halve the task. But somehow, every year something has changed (new machine/operating system/label type...and it takes me longer to work out how to format the things than it would have to write them. The house wouldn't be the same at Christmas without them falling off the walls, though.

Braja said...

Honey you missed the dance because Ann from Ann's Rants drugged your coffee. I think she's in cohoots with Liza Bean Bitey of the Minneapolis Biteys...I smell a conspiracy.