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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Press “1” to Have Your Brain Towed to An Impound Lot

“Thank you for calling the City of Minneapolis Snow Emergency Hot Line.

“To have the Snow Emergency Rules explained to you, please complete the following transaction: Press “1” for English, “2” for Hmong, “3” for Somali, “4” for Tagalog, “5” for it to be delivered to you in a Cockney accent or “6” to have someone come to your house and spell it out on your fridge with magnetized letters.

BEEP!

“Thank you for choosing “English”.

“Snow Emergencies are a set of predefined parking regulations that allow crews to completely clear streets of accumulating snow.

“Today is DAY TWO of the City of Minneapolis Snow Emergency. Do not park on the even side of the street between 8:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. or until plowed. You can park on the odd side of the street following 8:00 p.m., once it’s been plowed, or if you are under 5 feet tall.

“If you are under five feet tall and cannot move your car after 8:00 p.m., please call the police and sit in your car on a telephone book until help arrives. Try not to look adorably tiny.

“You may park on either side of streets with the red sign "Snow Emergency Route", but you may not park on either side of a parkway, despite it sounding like you could.

“Do not park on the even side of a non-Snow Emergency route. Maps of non-Snow Emergency routes may be obtained by contacting a local government official or by staring into a mirror in a dark room and saying “Bloody Snow Emergency, Bloody Snow Emergency, Bloody Snow Emergency” three times – whichever one frightens you less.

“A Snow Emergency will be declared no later than 6 p.m. , but you are free to move your car to whatever side of the street seems to have the most cars on it in the hopes that your neighbors know something you do not.

“Please remember that public opinion will not save you, however; and we are happy to tow whole blocks at a towing fee of $185 a pop and a subsequent ticket of $130 each.

“If you have further questions, please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly to abuse you in a barely understandable urban-based slang.

"Current wait time is 749 minutes."

BEEP!

21 comments:

La Belette Rouge said...

I miss the phone calls I used to get from the village we lived in Chicago warning us that it was a severe snow alert. Good wintry times. Now in L.A. when it is 99 degrees no nice computer calls me to warn me that I might die of heat stroke.
Happy Holidays, dear Pearl.:-)

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

jesus tits margaret! that's like the best ride i have ever been on! next time i think i will chew a mouthful of coffee beans for added benefit!

merry christmas!

darsden said...

ROTFLMAO... as I sit with my a/c on in shorts...! Merry Christmas, Pearl!

Comedy Goddess said...

I can't stop laughing!

Have a Merry Christmas!

The Grandpa said...

Don't you just love messages from the municipality. I think they have a special school they send city policy makers to for them to learn how to not communicate. Have a good holiday, Pearl.

IB said...

Brilliant comedy, Pearl!

Have a good Holiday.

IB

ICKY said...

I agree with the Grampa......the message should be more simple.
"HEY DUMMY !! MOVE YOUR CAR or it will cost you $180"
For instance.
Its just so wonderful when common sense has no part in the equation.

Have a jolly festivus.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Ugh...every time I press Zero for the operator - a recording comes on that is nothing more than hysterical laughing...what's up with that?
Ho Ho Ho Pearly Q! :)

Braja said...

Hey I'm just writing this comment when your comment pops up on my site...how psychic is that? And this is the kind of thing that makes me love you too Pearl :)

It also reminds me of that Airplane movie from 20+ yrs ago with Leslie Neilson, where the two public announcement people (the female was called Marsha) are having an argument over the public announcement system in the airport. "Don't start your red zone crap with me, Marsha..."

The Retired One said...

Up here in the rural north, we don't get those messages. Instead, you hear a HUGE bang and thump.
It is then that you realize that the plow going by caught the left rear bumper and sent your car airborne.
It's ok though, you'll find it sometime in April or May (when the snow melts)...somewhere in your neighbor's back yard....right next to your mailbox.
thanks for the laughs this Christmas Eve...have a wonderful holiday!!

Kavi said...

If you want to leave a comment..press 1. If you want to just read and go...well..go !

its not snowing here !!

:)

LOL ! had a roll !

EskimoBob said...

Yes? Am I on the air? Pearl?!?!

Oh. My. Gosh. I'm your biggest fan, long time reader, first time commenter. Ahhh - I love your blogs; (whew, I'm really nervous, excuse me)ha ha ha!!

Uh - boy I can't believe I'm actually able to post this comment. Huh? Oh yes, I have a comment.

Pearl- one of my favorite things from childhood was having piping hot Ovaltine. I recently found out though, that it wasn't Ovaltine that my mom was giving me. It was actually mercury laced, Thailand produced cocoa.

I had this great gig going on, and I recently had to pull out of it, because of the ill affects of mercury poisoning. I don't know what to do Pearl. Please help.

J.P.

Kevin Musgrove said...

I'd been struggling for a script for an automated 'phone system for our library. You'll not be asking for royalties, will you?

Merry thingy!

smilimano said...

With best wishes for Christmas and the New Year.
:)

Pearl said...

LaBelette, True dat! I almost succumbed to a heat stroke once in Texas. Frost bite I understand, but heat stroke?!

Hi, Irish Woman!
:-) I'm LOLing!

Hi, Darsden.
AC?! I got yer AC!! :-) We're now keeping things refrigerated on the porch (when we're not afraid it'll freeze).

Hi, Comedy Goddess.
I'm glad, cuz that's all I got ya this year. :-)

Hi, Grandpa.
Ah, I can see it but I can't recall just where that school is -- somewhere over by the Rote School of Repeated Redundancies...

Hi, IB.
Thank you. :-)

Hi, Icky.
The common sense referendum was voted down. We'll have to do without it for another year!

Hi, Sweet Cheeks!
When you press "0" it puts your voice over the Public Address system -- feel free to vent!

O, Braja, that is wonderful! "The blue zone is for loading and unloading only..."
If I'd thought of that while writing this, I surely would've used it.
ALL TOGETHER NOW: "And stop calling me Shirley!"

Hi, Kavi! Excellent. I'm glad you enjoyed it -- and I'm glad it's not snowing there! :-)

Hi, Eskimo Bob.
Please don't take your recent discovery of the mercury-laced "Ovaltine" to bolster your theory that Mom liked the other kids better. You were just a handful.
Perhaps there's a super power you can develop, something mercury laced?
Anybody? Bueller?

Hi, Kevin.
Let me know if you need a, um, consultant! I can BS like nobody's business!

Hi, Smilimano!
Right back atcha, baby!

TO ALL OF YOU: You guys make me smile every day. Thank you.

Love and Peace to All of You,

Pearl

NurseExec said...

Hilarious!! Glad I found you, I'll be following :) Merry Christmas!

Lori Anderson Designs said...

I'm sorry I'm laughing, I really am -- but I SO WANT SNOW!

(But, um, wait. I DO vaguely remember it taking two hours to get chains on tires on a trip to Lake Tahoe years ago....)

Old Knudsen said...

749 minutes, as I can't do maths I do not think that is a real time, like when people tell me 20:35 isn't a time. We have a Graffiti hotline and yes its an answering machine. I bet its the same with a suicide hotline, "please leave a message and we'll call you back :::snickers:::"

It was cold enough today for a long sleeved shirt so I can sympathise and now its raining. I don't need to watch the news as in SoCal that becums the top story.

justsomethoughts... said...

holy SHITE!
i was gonna push "6", but i dont know that i would figure it out before springtime...

a most happy holiday to you. you little....

loved reading your post from the moment i discovered it. you make me laugh out loud. really awesome.

keep it up

The Demigoddess said...

Hahaha. Cute and funny. My eyes lit up at the mention of "Tagalog".

nsiyer said...

Pearl, its just fantastic and was a great comic relief. Laughed my guts out. Keep writing.