“Thank you for calling the City of Minneapolis Snow Emergency Hot Line.
“To have the Snow Emergency Rules explained to you, please complete the following transaction: Press “1” for English, “2” for Hmong, “3” for Somali, “4” for Tagalog, “5” for it to be delivered to you in a Cockney accent or “6” to have someone come to your house and spell it out on your fridge with magnetized letters.
“Thank you for choosing “English”.
“Snow Emergencies are a set of predefined parking regulations that allow crews to completely clear streets of accumulating snow.
“Today is DAY TWO of the City of Minneapolis Snow Emergency. Do not park on the even side of the street between 8:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. or until plowed. You can park on the odd side of the street following 8:00 p.m., once it’s been plowed, or if you are under 5 feet tall.
“If you are under five feet tall and cannot move your car after 8:00 p.m., please call the police and sit in your car on a telephone book until help arrives. Try not to look adorably tiny.
“You may park on either side of streets with the red sign "Snow Emergency Route", but you may not park on either side of a parkway, despite it sounding like you could.
“Do not park on the even side of a non-Snow Emergency route. Maps of non-Snow Emergency routes may be obtained by contacting a local government official or by staring into a mirror in a dark room and saying “Bloody Snow Emergency, Bloody Snow Emergency, Bloody Snow Emergency” three times – whichever one frightens you less.
“A Snow Emergency will be declared no later than 6 p.m. , but you are free to move your car to whatever side of the street seems to have the most cars on it in the hopes that your neighbors know something you do not.
“Please remember that public opinion will not save you, however; and we are happy to tow whole blocks at a towing fee of $185 a pop and a subsequent ticket of $130 each.
“If you have further questions, please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly to abuse you in a barely understandable urban-based slang.
"Current wait time is 749 minutes."
Being a Nighthawk
3 hours ago