I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Leaping Tall Buildings

I am wondering how many of you have the pleasure of a full, unadulterated appreciation of the words “month end”.

If you’ve ever worked in an office – and specifically anywhere near the stinking, sweating, number-crunching agony of it all – you will recognize the words “month end”, as synonymous with “lunch at your desk”, “over time”, and “carpal tunnel”.

You know, I didn’t set out with the desire to work myself into a lather once a month. But it’s been thrust upon me; and now that it’s here, well, I still don’t, as my father used to say, shiv a git.

Month-end, or “ME”, as we jauntily abbreviate it, is a time actually immediately following the end of the month wherein normal people gesticulate wildly at each other, speak in tongues, and write devastatingly polite e-mails regarding what they believe to be rightfully theirs and your role in it.

For example:

Good morning, Pearl!
How are you? You look great today, by the way.
Anyway, you and I spoke several times this last fiscal year, if you’ll recall, and you agreed to change several hundred line items in order to ensure that I got credit for work I’d done. Do you remember this? I remember this specifically.
I’ve looked for the e-mail where you told me you’d take care of it but cannot find it.
At any rate, I just checked my numbers for the first time this year (and I know you post them once a month – thanks so much! – and I really should check them but I’ve been terribly busy!) and I see that we – and by “we” I mean “you” – need to go back in time and re-do everything you’ve done since April to ensure I get the $37.45 I have coming to me.
Anyhoo, if you could get that done by 6:00 a.m. tomorrow, that would be great.
Love, Adolf

I think that’s fair, don’t you?

So the next time you see me, and you notice that my right hand has curled into a claw and my eyes are both crossed and scowling, I just want you to know what a super, super team player I am, and to know that it’s all worth it, just to continue to be gainfully employed, whether I shiv a git or not.


La Belette Rouge said...

You have reminded me of all the reasons that I don't have an office job---that and pantyhose. I hate pantyhose so much that I vowed when I was young that I would never work in a job that required them.

You are super woman and deserve all manner of bonuses, credit, raises and vacations. And remember you cannot spell "team" without getting annoyed and feel like you would rather just spell "self", or is that just me?

Scott said...

Sounds like you need a big hug.
I'm a pro at hug-giving. Ask anybody.

Braja said...

shiv a git?

ok to make you feel better i left you a little treat in my sidebar

Shane said...

I like 'shiv a git', but maybe 'shove a (or 'the') git' - though a little more abstract - could work as well... 'I'd rather shove the git, than give a sh1t, though with gainful employment in mind, better still to shiv a git'. Insensible, incoherent, inchoate... look what you made me do. Your shivving has mushed my brain.

Sarah Gostrangely said...

Do you really have a workmate called Adolf?

I didn't think there was people called that anymore.

Lovin' the abbreviation ME by the way...makes you so much more happy about it, I find.

I used to work in account reconciliations, we (cos we so Cool) called it "Rex".

A bit of rock n'roll in Excel form.

KMcJoseph said...

That email is incredibly specific. It's almost like he could read your mind and wrote it in such a way to communicate directly with your subconscience.


We don't hire people named Adolf here. You should google him to make sure he hasn't committed any atrocities in his past.

Susan said...

Tell Adolf to get hosed. And may I please borrow shiv a git? That's great!!

derfina said...

Precisely why I work for the Unit now. He knows how I reconcile things! ^^groucho eyebrows^^

Tami said...

My father-in-law would reply in this way:

Is Adolf nuckin' futs?!?!?!??!

swenglishexpat said...

Sorry Pearl, but the word verification was more appropriate than you could have wished for, "whinist". Is that what the Great Guru in the Blogosphere thinks of you, that you are a whinist, one who whines and whinges. Sorry again, could not help myself! ;-)
Does it not help in the slightest to think of being paid at the end of the month? No, thought so. Just battle your way through it and ignore that shiv-a-git Adolf!

Matter Of Fact Mommy said...

been dealing with "ME" for years in my office job. HATE IT.

but i don't have to wear pantyhose. why just yesterday, i looked like the building janitor. the building janitor trying to close the month out...

Steve said...

Numbers are bad. People are bad. Numbers and people... not a great combination.

SassyTwoSocks said...

As someone with an accounting background who currently manages finances and operations for a small company, I feel your pain. Advil. Take lots of Advil.

MilesPerHour said...

I found whether or not I shiv a git matters little to my co-workers. For the ones that actually do I give them high fiber snacks to help them with their day.

I enjoyed your post!

Pearl said...

Hi, La Belette,
You know, I don't really mind the pantyhose -- primarily because I buy them a size too big for me!

Hi, Scott.
That's what I need! A big virtual hug!

Oh, Braja! That was so sweet! Pearls!! :-)

Hi, Shane.
That works well! We certainly do have "gits" here... (And sorry about your brain!)

Hi, Sarah.
No, not really Adolf. :-) I don't believe in letting the facts stand in the way of a good story!

Hey, KMcJ.
The e-mail - strange, isn't it? How familiar it seems?
Good idea on the googling. That guy in IT -- Genghis? -- I should check on him...

Hi, Susan.
I heartily recommend the use of "shiv a git"!

Hi, Derfina.
:-) Nice. I'm looking forward to hearing, some day, about the two of you balancing the books...

Hey, Tami!
Sounds like your FIL understand the concept of not shivving a git as well!

Hi, Swenglish.
Ah, you had to do it!!
Actually, getting paid is what makes it worthwhile. Have to be careful these days, don't we?

Ah. A fellow sufferer. Do you keep a blender for Margarita Mondays at your desk, too?

Hi, Steve.
Numbers, people, and deadlines. All bad.

Hi, Sassy.
Advil? With margaritas, right?
Right?! Oh, man. I gotta get the idea of tequila, limes and salt out of my head...

THanks, MilesPerHour!
High-fiber snacks, you say. Hmmm. I had Chipotles today, but followed it up with gnawing on number-two pencils in the afternoon. I trust that counts!


Lyndsay said...

Month end? Bletch
Year end? Dougle Bletch
Fiscal year end? Triple Bletch

Oh, and I am totally stealing shiv a git!

Anonymous said...

Two things: Anti-depressants and toxic amounts of caffeine. Now, go get 'em tiger!

Pearl said...

Lyndsay, It's all yours! Enjoy!

Hi, SweetCheeks. :-) Actually, I dumped half a venti Starbucks on my desk and was forced to leap up and save my keyboard. Need more caffeine internally, definitely!


Kimmie said...

Ooooh I had a job like that ..... isn't "year end" right around the corner? Brace yourself.

Pearl said...

Hi, Kimmie.
Nah. Our "year" begins April 1. I have a couple months to up my caffeine intake to prepare!

justsomethoughts... said...

great post.

this "shiv a git" thing is gonna get a lot of air-time in my next few conversations. thank you.
and that whole team player thing? overrated. team player is a euphamistic term that bosses use when they mean "rag". but in this economy its worth being a team player.

Brother Tobias said...

Does one have to wear pantyhose in offices now? Thanks goodness I quit when I did; that would have been the last straw.