As a person who has, in the not-too-distant past, eaten half a bag of Nestle Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips – not because I was on the “I-dare-you” end of a lucrative bet or even forced to do so by marauding bikers but merely because I could – I’d like to remind you, and you, and you over there that the holiday season is an excellent opportunity to put on weight.
Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa! I’ll bet you didn't know that!
The obvious is my speciality.
We had our holiday get-together at work yesterday. Normally it’s a rather large affair, held in the evening at some fine, decorated establishment, complete with an expensive dinner, a chance to wear your formalwear and enough booze to make your co-workers seem interesting again. But time’s is tough, people; and given the uncertainty in the economic forecast, we decided that the best thing to do would be to hold a breakfast potluck.
They put me in charge of wrangling the list of who would bring what.
Are you feelin’ the excitement?
It was all on a volunteer basis, of course; and you can imagine my concern when out of a company of 229 people, by the afternoon of the day before the event I had confirmation of 28 bringing a “dish to pass”.
Somebody’s going hungry!
By morning, however, we were positively adrift in egg-bakes and quiches and fruit juices and hashed-brown potatoes topped with cheese and a variety of seam-splitting baked goods...
It was a bacchanalian feast.
Well, a bacchanalian feast minus the wine and the accompanying drunkenness that may (or may not) have kept me from eating my weight in cream puffs.
As an aside, I was once, while drunk, induced to eat an entire row of crackers liberally smeared with canned fudge frosting. It's nothing I'm proud of, and I've only recently been able to speak of it...
Anyway, everyone knows food consumed whilst drunk has zero calories.
Which gives me an idea for next year’s free-food fest… Everyone brings a 12-pack to share. It’ll be a casual affair – a couple of layered taco dips, some deviled eggs and towards the end we’ll do some karaoke!
What do you think? Think I’ll still have a job by the end of it?!