I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I’m Just Going To Go Through The Buffet Line One More Time

As a person who has, in the not-too-distant past, eaten half a bag of Nestle Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips – not because I was on the “I-dare-you” end of a lucrative bet or even forced to do so by marauding bikers but merely because I could – I’d like to remind you, and you, and you over there that the holiday season is an excellent opportunity to put on weight.

Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa! I’ll bet you didn't know that!

The obvious is my speciality.

We had our holiday get-together at work yesterday. Normally it’s a rather large affair, held in the evening at some fine, decorated establishment, complete with an expensive dinner, a chance to wear your formalwear and enough booze to make your co-workers seem interesting again. But time’s is tough, people; and given the uncertainty in the economic forecast, we decided that the best thing to do would be to hold a breakfast potluck.

They put me in charge of wrangling the list of who would bring what.

Are you feelin’ the excitement?

It was all on a volunteer basis, of course; and you can imagine my concern when out of a company of 229 people, by the afternoon of the day before the event I had confirmation of 28 bringing a “dish to pass”.

Somebody’s going hungry!

By morning, however, we were positively adrift in egg-bakes and quiches and fruit juices and hashed-brown potatoes topped with cheese and a variety of seam-splitting baked goods...

It was a bacchanalian feast.

Well, a bacchanalian feast minus the wine and the accompanying drunkenness that may (or may not) have kept me from eating my weight in cream puffs.

As an aside, I was once, while drunk, induced to eat an entire row of crackers liberally smeared with canned fudge frosting. It's nothing I'm proud of, and I've only recently been able to speak of it...

Anyway, everyone knows food consumed whilst drunk has zero calories.

Which gives me an idea for next year’s free-food fest… Everyone brings a 12-pack to share. It’ll be a casual affair – a couple of layered taco dips, some deviled eggs and towards the end we’ll do some karaoke!

What do you think? Think I’ll still have a job by the end of it?!


Ann's Rants said...

Sounds positively baccanelian (not even gonna try and spell it) but don't forget the centaurs, okay? The horse/men?

Kristin said...

Hee-hee! Your idea for next years party sound fun! Well, maybe not for work?!!! Thanks for stopping by my blog!

adlibby said...

all right, I'm comin' out now. I have a secret bag of chocolate chips hidden in my dresser in my bedroom. When mommy needs a time-out, mommy has access to chocolate!

derfina said...

Here you go again giving me a food craving. Now I HAVE to find some hashbrown casserole. I am holding you directly responsible for my incredible expanding waistline.

Fida said...

Breakfast potlucks? Bad idea. Where do we go next? All co-workers will look the same for an entire year - coz there's no booze at a breakfast potlucks! Or is there?

Steve said...

"enough booze to make your co-workers seem interesting again". Geez. I'd have to own the brewery.

KMcJoseph said...

People at my job make fun of you if you go for seconds. It's funny the woman can talk crap to the men (call them fat and what not) but the men can't retaliate. :-)

The Grandpa said...

Actually, Pearl, when you're drunk, if you do the formula right, all food you consume can have a negative caloric value. For instance, take the number of drinks you have, subtract the per serving calorie count of whatever food you're consuming. Divide the answer by the number of servings you have and enter the value in your diet journal. This is easier to make work for you if you are a cheap date and get drunk fast, and then only consume the highest calorie items on the menu--dessert that is.

Next year's party, though, should be a blast.

Anonymous said...

Here in Idaho hashbrown casserole is called 'Funeral Potatoes'. (Named so because it is the most common dish taken to the grieving family after the funeral.) The name stuck and now it is acceptable to address them as such for any and all party occaisons. People decided they were so good it was a shame to wait for someone to kick the bucket to have them...strange eh?

Lee said...

I read the 1st paragraph just after eating a mince pie. I don't really like them, honest, but my son has just made them. And now I am caught between the guilty feeling for eating something I didn't really need and showing fatherly approval of a job well done. *sigh*

justsomethoughts... said...

not sure if you'll still have the job, but the pictures would be priceless.

Butch Boo said...

I woke up the other morning with a stonking headache....following a particularly drunken evening spent putting the world to rights over a few bottles of wine with my mate.

Unfortunately not only did I have a hangover but my bed was scattered in empty sweet wrappers! I remembered consuming only one or perhaps two... Unfortunately I found 16 wrappers!

There's a sweet gobbling Christmas Goblin living beneath my bed..I wish it would go away!



Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I want to know the sordid history of your company's holiday party that prompted them to start a breakfast potluck!! I think Pearl P.I. should sniff around a little bit and find out what is going on there.

And I LOVE the idea for next year's party, but scratch the 12-packs and replace with Champagne or vodka. I'd be that bitch hogging the karaoke machine all morning (not even drunk!). *~*