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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

If You’re Like Me…

If you’re like me, and we have no reason to believe that you’re not, you have, now and then, the urge to roll your spouse and/or significant other into a large rug and leave him/her – perfectly alive, of course!, and with a cell phone in awkward but reachable range – at the edge of town.

Not always, you understand. But sometimes?

Oh, yes.

These “others” in our lives – they are not bad people. But they are annoying, aren’t they, with their continual questions?

Where are you going?

Where’s my wallet?

How come my food smells of bitter almonds?


Damn his advanced olfactory senses!

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy men. My son is a man, and look at how much I enjoy him! Why, some of my best friends have been men!

But a spouse…

The funny thing about being married is that people don’t really want to hear about what you think about it. Sure, they may ask you, “So how’s married life treatin’ ya?” but the moment you start talking about your plans to move his bedroom to the garage, they don’t want to hear about it.

Well what’d ya ask me for?!

But that’s where friends come in, isn’t it?

A friend hears you out, shows you the folly of, say, wrapping your husband up in a carpet and disposing his snoring self on the edge of town. After all, it’s impractical. Think about it! In the middle of the night, how do you get him down the steps and how in the world are you going to get him into the car like that? There’s the yelling, the neighbors to consider, not to mention that we’ve got jobs to go to in the morning! No, no, no. This will never do.

Sometimes that’s all it takes – knowing you can talk it out, get it out of your system and move on.

And a beer wouldn’t hurt, either.

And if you’re like me, that’s so much more practical than, say, trying to get a rolled up carpet with a surprise(d) filling down the stairs.

26 comments:

ICKY said...

Trust me......getting rolled up in a carpet and flung down steps.....never a good way to go.
Try to leave a note on a can of tuna or an open container of 'pounce' treats, for Liza bean to have some of her "associates" deal with your problem. Quick, easy and your hands are clean.

Brother Tobias said...

Sounds like you need a little retail therapy, Pearl. Treat yourself to a few excessories. Buy a spare rug. Charge them to him.

IB said...

Now I understand that odd look on my wife's face and the sudden appearance of a new rug in the bedroom.

IB

Tami said...

HA! Laugh out loud funny. I LOVED this.

I have felt like this often..and have never been able to figure out how to pull it off either.

mbuna53 said...

This explains that out off office reply I got yesterday, tired from dragging the "carpet" to the "cleaners" the night before?.

Keep your eyes open IB.

Tabby ~ Godzchyld said...

HA!! You made me laugh too hard this morning! Thank You!

Braja said...

OK, right up, this got me: "If you’re like me, and we have no reason to believe that you’re not" cos that's kinda how I go thru life. You said it, we could totally be sisters. Or was it friends? Or was it friends of our sisters...I KNOW! BEER BUDDIES! Do you mind if I drink sissy beer like Corona with a lemon shoved down it's neck?

I would find it hard to roll my spouse in the marble floors, though I would have a very easy time disposing of him in the river at the end of the track. Derfina will support me on this. We're river girls, see...

Anyhow Pearl...you have an international spy cat in your house. Surely Liza Bean Bitey of the Minneapolis Biteys knows a trick or two to turn?

I do believe I just wrote a short story here. It's been lovely, goodnight...

Kavi said...

Ah ! Now those are ideas. Real, practical ideas !

Anybody has a spare rug !?!?

Steve said...

You know you're in trouble when your friends, far from trying to dissuade you offer to help...

EskimoBob said...

Is this akin to standing next to someone next on the sidewalk during heavy traffic and thinking what it would be like to push them in front of a speeding vehicle? Or wondering what it may be like to push someone that you're standing next to off a cliff?

If so - then I'm just like you, if not, then of course; how horrid to even think!

Pearl said...

Hello, Icky.
Sounds like you might have some experience here...

Brother Tobias, well it IS that time of year, isn't it? Honestly, what I need is a road trip...

Hi, IB.
HA! Consider yourself warned, eh?

Hi, Tami!
It's a conundrum, isn't it? They're lovable, and yet sometimes they need a swift boot, you know what I mean?!

mbuna, Have had a stomach flu for a couple days. Yum!

Hi, Tabby
I'm here for ya, baby! :-)

Hi, Braja.
Friends/sisters/souls afloat in the ebb and flow of world events! I'm with you!
And there's nothing sissy about Corona, although I do love my Summits.
Margaritas are nice, too.
I do need to talk to Liza about Willie's snoring -- but then I'll be in her debt.
Do you have any idea of the damage she can do if I'm in her debt?!

Hi,Kavi!
Keep your eyes open at yard sales (are they "jumble" sales in India, too, like in the UK?)

Hi, Steve.
It's good to have friends. :-)

Pearl

Pearl said...

Hi, EskimoBob.
Something like that. :-)

Pearl

Sweet Cheeks said...

Well Pearl...we all love our hubbies but honestly, they can be quite pesky at time. I've been thinking about your dilemma. Quite frankly, I think you should quit whining and give it the 'old college try'. If you can't manage to get his snoring butt rolled up in the carpet - then do what our ancestors (the early American settlers) did. Wait until he's in the kitchen with you and his back is turned.....then clock him a good one with the rolling pin. When he wakes up swear that he suddenly fainted. I'm sure Liza Bean will back you up on this. Good luck silly girl!
:)

Pearl said...

Hi, Sweet Cheeks.
Good points, all. I happen to know that Liza Bean' complicity can be bought with shrimp...

Pearl

KMcJoseph said...

I just keep thinking of cannolis.

Pearl said...

Hi, KMcJ.
I think that's a fair comparison...
:-)
Pearl

justsomethoughts... said...

and then you have to go buy another pice of carpet....

Lee said...

Would it be easier to line a cupboard with carpet and just push him in there?

adlibby said...

Well said sister! Today was the day too. I'd have carpeted his ass if he wasn't leaving town anyway!

Here's to good friends, good beer and good blogs!

derfina said...

Right this minute I'd give anything to have the Unit here, but about 28 days after he gets home? The carpet idea? Add some duct tape, and we have a PLAN.

Henry the Dog said...

Mum doesn't have a carpet, and even if she had Uncle Hugh's a bit big, BUT she has thought about locking him in the garage from time to time and playing loud music to drown out his protests. I think mom could do with a beer with you right now to be honest, it's that 'maudlin' time of month when (as I understand) men are generally advised to keep well out of the way:)

June Saville said...

Wished I'd have thought of that Pearl. Could have helped me in my TWO marriages!

Karen McQ. said...

So, so funny!

Cassoulet Cafe said...

I'll have a beer with you on that note...
and I totally agree with all you said :)

SassyTwoSocks said...

Drugs mixed with booze would do the trick. E.g. beer and Ambien. Then your friend could help you lift him into the car and out of the car so you could leave him on the curb. I hear you on this one. Though the part about leaving the cell phone within reach is just not my style. I'd make him use a pay phone.

Fida said...

Got some ideas. Why don't you come over to discuss it... the Heineken is ready, if that's all right with you!