I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Do You Think I Over-Reacted?

People – no, I can’t say who, just people – think that Minnesotans are passive-aggressive.

I don’t think of us that way. I prefer to think of us as conflict –avoidant.

For instance, if you show up at my house wearing, in all sincerity, say, lederhosen, my response would be, “That’s interesting.”

Because it is. That’s interesting. Eventually, of course, I will have to ask you what moved you to make such a fashion choice, but in that respect I am not typical Minnesotan. Nor, it seems, am I particularly polite.

Actually, to quote a favorite aunt, I am “Miss Tact”. (Implying, of course, that I have none.)

A number of years ago, before marriage put an end to my wild ways, I lived in another part of town, across the street and two down from a man who worked a terribly early shift.

How did I know he worked a terribly early shift?

Because there came a week where he apparently needed a ride, and a car would pull up at 4:25 in the morning, AC/DC bursting from its speakers at decibels normally ascribed to pneumatic riveters…

It was summer, my bedroom windows were open, and my heart burst up into my throat as I sat straight up in terror. Tornado! Air raid! Fire! Arrrrrrrgh!

It was none of those things, of course. I soon recognized it as the dulcet tones of AC/DC.

I didn’t fall back asleep.

And for the first two days that Mr. Rock and Roll arrived to pick up my neighbor, I bit my tongue. Inside, of course, I was feverishly composing outraged letters to him about the loss of civility in the city and how much I hated him. On the outside, however, I remained collected.

I may or may not have muttered colorful threats under my breath. There are, after all, no witnesses to dispute this.

On the third day, however, the moment I heard “Hell’s Bells” being blasted throughout the neighborhood, I lost my cool. Shoving my head violently out of my bedroom window, I screeched at the top of my early-morning lungs, “THIS IS A QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD! SHUT UP!”

O, the irony.

He did not hear me, of course, because not only was the music far too loud for him to have heard me, but I could now see that the driver was not even in the car…

Hmmm.

On the fourth day, when the rock-concert on wheels pulled up, I was fully dressed and ready. I watched from my window as he got out of the car and went inside.

The moment my neighbor’s front door closed, I shot out my own door as fast as my short little legs could carry me. Engine running, music blaring, I hopped into his car and tore away…

And I left it, three blocks away. Turned it off, left the keys in the ignition, and took an alternative way home.

I didn’t fall back asleep on that day, either, but I smiled for the rest of it.

Two questions still bother me, though:
1. Do you think I over-reacted?
2. How long do you suppose it took him to find his car?

33 comments:

Tami said...

That...is...AWESOME!!! Overreacted? Maybe. Damn funny? FOR SURE> Worth it? DEFINITELY!!!

You are my new hero Pearl. That's fantastic.

Pearl said...

Hi, Tami.
:-) Come to think of it, I didn't hear him pull up the next day... And I can't hear Hell's Bells without thinking of that guy.
Hee hee.
Pearl

Ann's Rants said...

See, and I would just be wallowing in my own anger-adrenylized midwestern pajamas. YOU rock, Ms. Take Action Pants!

mbuna53 said...

Overreaction? I would say no.

I was going to ask if he pulled up the next day with the stereo blasting, but I see now that he did not.

Great job!

I'd like to invent some jammer or feedback device that I could set up on my street in front of my house so when the BOOMING stereos drive by at 3am they would get skretching feedback that blows out there speakers, now that would be SWEET!!!

I know, I'm a mean old man.

Pearl said...

Hi, Ann.
You must find your inner Viking. :-) Rahr!

Hi, Mbuna.
That is something I would be willing to invest in.

Pearl

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

And people wonder where Liza Bean Biter gets her wild streak!!??

That is so audacious it makes me swoon with jealousy that a lady could have balls THAT big. ;-)

ugich konitari said...

Pearl, you underreacted. You should have left his car much further away.
And I am dying to know what happened the next day. .....

SassyTwoSocks said...

This is just too awesome for words. I definitely would have done something. Maybe not what could be considered grand theft, but something. Maybe I would have thrown something at his car. Though I probably would have called the Po Po.

Red Squirrel said...

I wouldn't say it was an overraction no. In fact I probably would've swapped his AC/DC CD for a Britney one or something and left it quietly playing and draining his battery.

But then I find my sleep to be sacrosant :)

Patricia said...

Pearl don't need to grow a pair, that's fo sho. :o)

Steve said...

Reaction: perfect.

Did he find the car: who cares?!

Did he do it again: I'm betting not.

ICKY said...

I know the neighborhood which she writes about. Its a nice quiet place, not suited for those kind of shannannagins.
As someone else said, I would have left the car much, much further away. Like in the Cub parking lot. Would have taken a while to track it down there. And yes, swap the ac/dc for some Rick Asltey.
Personally, I might have "liberated" his distributer and wires.

Comedy Goddess said...

WOW! And Double WOW!

That took some serious passive aggressive balls.

Sweet Cheeks said...

I acknowledge your greatness Oh Mighty Pearl! I never would have had the guts to do it.

I would have been even more passive aggressive and only dared to write an 'I Hate You' letter, in crayon, with my left hand, making sure not to leave any DNA or fingerprints...and stuffed it under the front window wipers...

and sadly, because I would've had instant remorse for being mean - even to some jerk...I probably would have put in a 1.00 off coupon in the envelope with it...

Kavi said...

Over Reaction !?! Hmm.. Well, well, well..

I will stop there !

:)

Pearl said...

Hi, Amy.
Oh, I dunno. It's been a long time a-coming, I assure you!

Hi, Ugich.
We'll never know -- I never heard him again, finally sleeping until my alarm clock on Friday morning.

Hi, Sassy.
Grand Theft Auto? Hey... It really was, wasn't it? Whoops!

Hi, Red.
You're not the first person to have suggested that I swap out CDs. Honestly, though, my heart was pounding so hard that it was all I could do to drive a straight line.

Hi, Patricia.
Word.

Hi, Steve.
Kinda makes you want to read HIS side of the story, doesn't it?!

Hi, Icky.
I appreciate you thinking that I would know where these things are. I was so worked up I'm just glad I didn't hit a parked car... Seriously, though, I do wonder how long it took him to find that car... :-)

Hi, Comedy Goddess,
It was that or leave a flaming bag of dog poop on his hood...

Hi, Sweet Cheeks,
Oh, that's hilarious. In crayon. With your left hand. And then a $1 off coupon to make up for being mean to him. :-)

Pearl

Pearl said...

Hi, Kavi.
What? Too much?
:-D
Pearl

Lilly's Life said...

Pearl I just do not understand how anyone could not have appreciated ACDC no matter what time of day it happened to be.

Pearl said...

Hi, Lilly.
:-) I should've known!
Probably an Aussie in that car...
Pearl

The Grandpa said...

Now your response to Lilly, pearl...Now that's passive aggressive. ;0)

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

can. i. have. your. autograph?

i bet he had to have his jeans surgically removed from his ass when he walked outside to find the hells bellsmobile missing.

classic. devious. and fabulous.

i'm giving you the rocker finger horns right now.

justsomethoughts... said...

no. that was absolutely NOT an overreaction. i think its great. and great that you had the guts and nuts to pull it off.
the only problem i have with the story is, why, pray tell, wouldnt you want to listen to hell's bells at 4 in the morning ?

Pearl said...

Hi, Grandpa.
:-) I'm just smiling at you.

Hey, Mouthy Irish Woman.
Right back atcha, baby. lml (if you squint your eyes there, it's my attempt at making the horns!)

Justsomethoughts,
Ahh. AC/DC's still good in my book, but 4:00 a.m. rockin'? I'm thinking I could've let Pink Floyd slide at that time o' day...

Pearl

Tova Darling said...

That's freaking amazing!! You are my HERO!!!

derfina said...

Nothing passive about you, doll!

EskimoBob said...

(Slowly rising from my seat. Building a crescendo with my applause, while exhibiting exaggerated signs of pride, with eyes misting over.)

Dear Pearl, I make it a matter of principle that I never think. Secondly,I think it may have taken him anywhere between 35 minutes to a week and a half, before the authorities contacted him, to find the car.

IB said...

Hilarious. A damn gutsy move!

IB

http://idiotsstew.blogspot.com

June Saville said...

Pearl would NEVER over-react. She is the sole of discretion. She'd have even stolen her neighbour's car with the utmost panache.
June in Oz

Braja said...

Pearl, I think I love you.

But just to clarify: if someone was to appear at my door in lederhosen, I'd either push them down the stairs, spray them with the garden-hosen, or grab them and do a waltz down the garden path. Depends.

And I woulda left that guy's car running, just to mess with his mind. Just sayin'....

Brother Tobias said...

A perfect response, wrapped up in degree of restraint, encased in a social service. You should get a medal. (But if you ever turn up here in lederhosen, I shall insist that you remove them).

justsomethoughts... said...

pearl, i'm still loving your post. and i dont know if re-commenting is in the verboten category, but i am in full agreement with you. floyd would have def been more apropos for the 4am wake-up call. and now i'm thinking of all the good floyd songs for 4am. which are very differnt from the ones at, say, 8:45 am or 3:17pm....

Pearl said...

Justsomethoughts,
As a much younger friend says, "I know, right?"
:-)
Waking up to Dark Side of the Moon would've been trippy. Cream or Bowie would've been good for me, too.
Pearl

Aria said...

BuhWahHahahaha Sic' em Girl!!!! Just make sure to write about it later, so that those of us lacking our brass-balls-the-size-of-coconuts on any given day, can turn to you... Cause you're our shout-out blogger!