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Friday, November 28, 2008

With My Teeth Whitened, I Can Do Anything!

Uh-oh! Look out, people. I’m about to get peevish. Quick! While there’s still time to click to another page! Run! Save yourself!

What? Still here?

Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You know, there is evidence supporting a change in global and trade-wind temperatures, the maximum paid-U.S.-maternity leave is three months (and often less), an old ankle injury aches with the coming of winter, and yet I don’t want to talk about any of those things.

No. You know what’s bugging me right now? You know what I want to talk about?

Teeth whiteners.

But hey! What’s wrong with removing the nicotine or caffeine stains, making your teeth a little whiter?

Nothing. There’s nothing wrong with that. Why walk around with strangely stained teeth when you don’t have to? What the hell! Bleach your teeth! Dye ‘em blue for all I care!

What I object to is the implication that whiter teeth will make you more popular, more successful, more desirable, more confident.

“With my teeth whitened, I can do anything!”

THAT, my friends, is a direct quote from a grinning, dimpling, twinkly-eyed twit trying to convince me that confidence is gained by having the most unnaturally white teeth in the room.

Never mind learning something or applying yourself! With teeth like Jove’s flashlights, you can do anything!

Anything except, apparently, write a commercial that doesn’t insult the intelligence.


acute_disaster said...





Braja said...

You mean white teeth don't make you more intelligent.


There goes that theory....

Pearl said...

Hey, Acute! Nice to see you!

Hi, Braja. Ha! If it did, Paris Hilton would be Secretary of State...


Not The Rockefellers said...

Maybe the twit in the ad thought by having brighter the rest of her would follow? :B

Peace - Rene

Ann's Rants said...

I bet you can do anything! Like say... scare the bejemus out of your partner as the glow in the night.

Kavi said...

Pearl, This is an unrelated comment.

thank you for your comment of support on my blog. It made a big deal of difference to me, my family and a small sea of people.

People like you have made a difference in our moment of suffering. Thank you. Once again.

derfina said...

I know what you mean-reminds me of those Enzyte commercials telling ment that they will have a SACK FULL OF PRIDE (like they already DON'T?) if they just swallow a pill!

KMcJoseph said...

With my teeth whitened, I find that I don't have to turn on the lights to find the bathroom at night. Also I don't have turn on my headlights anymore at night!

KMcJoseph said...

I HATE when I misspell something or miss a word when I am writing. AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Daisy said...

Ha! Although now you mention it, I WOULD feel I could anything if I had gleaming teeth- there should be a superhero who has special luminous teeth superpowers!

June Saville said...

Pearly teeth?
June in Oz

Heinous said...

But won't whiter teeth reflect more of the sun's rays back into space and reduce global warming?

SassyTwoSocks said...

Once a 7 y/o said to me "Why are your teeth yellow?" and then the other 20 7 y/o's turned to look and point at my yellow teeth. I tried to tell myself that I didn't give a crap what a bunch of little mini-people thought. What the hell did they know anyway? The next day I bought whitening strips. I caved. But it was worth it.

a mouthy irish-catholic woman said...

brings to mind...each tooth...wrapped in a super hero cape with the initials "SW" on each cape.

super white.

i'll stick with my slightly coffee stained, full of personality, gnashers.

anyday. :)

a mouthy irish-catholic woman said...

especially since my recent run-in with bleach related tooth products.


Lynda said...

I find them distracting. Recently attended a party where I think I was THE ONLY person that didn't have laser white light beaming out of their mouths... just can't damn concentrate on any of the words because I am often distracted by shiny objects.

It is not so normal in Europe... and the people drink more and smoke more and are generally pretty happy.