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Friday, November 14, 2008

Why Isn’t Anyone Doing Anything About My Bathroom?

Seriously, people, the whole bathroom reflects poorly on me, my lifestyle, my family, and yes, even the cats.

I can’t show you the linoleum (it violates the Geneva Convention), but I would if I could. I didn’t even know they made linoleum in the Dark Ages, but apparently they did. How else to explain the Scenes from the Inquisition motif on the bathroom floor?

And the bathtub! You’d expect, in a house over a hundred years old, that it would be some deep, claw-footed canoe of a tub, wouldn’t you? That it would be gleaming white, steeped in turn-of-the-century history (Teddy Roosevelt Bathed Here!) and surrounded by oils in colored bottles and glowing candles of all sizes?

Would you believe a shallow, plastic remnant of the 70s once bathed in by Garrison Keillor’s cousin’s girlfriend and ringed by cats?

Shoot. It’s probably not even real plastic. It’s probably imitation plastic! Ha ha! The last people to upgrade the bathroom couldn’t afford real plastic, so they put in faux plastic!

You know, to be fair, it’s not the lousy cheap tub. It’s not even the not-quite-kitsch linoleum or the fact that you can reach the tub from the toilet (a story unto itself) but the fact that it’s all contained in a room the size of a pretty nice telephone booth. Two people couldn’t fit in that room at the same time – not that that comes up much! – and a group shower? Forget about it. You can just take that kind of action to the community center, where it belongs.

Oh, I don’t know. I suppose that eventually I will get around to remodeling/updating the bathroom. Until then, if you ever need to use the toilet, the tub, and the sink all at once – or have a fear of open spaces – you just let me know. I’ll clear a spot on the towel rack for you.

21 comments:

Aria said...

OMG, found you from a blogroll... Lily's or JLo's (I've been surfing/writing too long to remember, sorry) And YOU are Hilarious! You're going on my blogroll too... I have to, I couldn't deny my readers the pleasure of your posts. Great day to you, hon!

Ann's Rants said...

I'm familiear with this bathroom. Ours has a wooden toilet seat, a "terazzo"/mold-finished shower, and watch out if someone opens the door-smack!

Strange Pilgram said...

You would feel right at home in Italy. Do you have to hump the door to get it closed? Do your clothes get snagged on the faucet of you try to close the toilet seat? Can you wash behind the toilet from the hallway?

I miss big bathrooms. Bathrooms where people have free standing towel racks and shelves with cute family photos. Bathrooms with a place to sit besides the throne... Book shelves even...

Lynda said...

Hey - yes you... new kid... what's on your sandwich? Eeeewwww... that is disgusting! Sardines and salami sandwich!!!

Always happy to find a new social outcast to play with..thanks for stopping by... someone else was talking about your blog recently (can't remember who.. ) and I meant to stop by and take a sticky beak.

Now, can I have half your sandwich, or what?

Pearl said...

Hi, Aria.
Welcome and I am glad that you enjoy my writing. TGIF, baby!

Hi, Ann.
I've a nodding acquaintance with mold, myself. We've agreed to not speak of each other without the other present...

Hi, Pilgram. (not grim!)
There are some bathrooms in the U.S. that are bigger than my current living room. Isn't that weird? On the one hand, I don't want to clean it; but on the other hand, just how much can you do in a bathroom? Yikes!

Hi, Lynda.
You can have half my sandwich if you're going to hang out with me on the playground. :-)

Pearl

p.s. Sticky beak? Quickie peak?

Braja said...

Pearl, now you have me interested in your community centre. Purely for social reasons and the good of the .... er...community, of course. What goes on there, young lady??

Please don't hurt Liza Bean while scanning. Two days til information comes about her next "detail." That's what they call it in the undercover trade...

Blue Blaze Irregular #1 said...

Freakish, but true fact. Homebuilders cut down overall home size while trying to keep the "big" stats (3 bedrooms! 2 Full baths!). When you cut a living room by 10%, it's a slightly smaller living room. When you cut a bathroom by 10%, it's a closet with a toidy and a tiny bathtub. I've got one of the teeny bathrooms too. Man, does it suck.

On the other hand...Finland. Wonderful country. So very clean. Such nice people. And bathrooms the size of glove compartments. Don't get me started.

Pearl said...

Hi, Braja!
:-) I am glad that the "community center" has given you something to think about!

Hey, Blue Blazer!
So things could be worse!

Pearl

Adlibby said...

My bathroom is da bomb! oh wait... that was just the essence of my husband. =)

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

This post is so excellent! We also have a bathroom that is redolent with the cheapness of past owners.... it is most apparent in the sink that rocks back and forth as the children swing from it, next by the rust discoloring from the ancient bolts that hold the commode to the floor, and finally by the bats that sometimes fly out of the teeny "linen closet."

Pearl said...

Hi, Adlibby!
:-) The OTHER lovely aspect to a small bathroom. Intense, uh, fragrance!

Hi, Amy!
Wait a minute. Bats? OK -- I have no bats, although I AM interested in these bolts holding down the toilet that you speak of...

Pearl

Brother Tobias said...

I seem to remember the time when being able to reach the bath and the sink from the loo was a major advantage. And hey, you can control the taps as you read about Lake Woebegone.
At least it's not avocado. Funny how that was once the must-have, and now it's a source of shame. The fashion gurus will wait until the last one's been torn out before decreeing that 'avocado is the new black'. So I say, hang in there! (And anyone with the faintest connection to Garrison Keillor is a celeb in my book.)

Pearl said...

Brother Tobias, I work with a woman whose husband used to write for Keillor. :-) How cool is that?
And yes. Avocado. And don't forget Harvest Gold!
Pearl

Lilly's Life said...

Stop bragging Pearl, you mean you can clear a spot on your towel rack? Phew....that makes me feel really bad now.....some of us have not only intimate tiny bathrooms and no clearabel space on our towel racks...and NO nearby community centres....

Pearl said...

Lilly, that WAS kinda mean of me, wasn't it? Flaunting my rack.
:-)
I have space for one more toothbrush, too! The wealthy land barons have nothing on me! Take THAT, Donald Trump! :-)
Pearl

Not The Rockefellers said...

Ugh the bathrooom off of my kitchen is most unsavory.

The wallpaper taunts me.

The lineoleum floor is a Haz-Mat issue. I would advise you to avert your gaze and not to stare directly at it.

The toilet lid can be a bit of a joyride at times. Buckle up.

Because of it's unfortunate location, near the kitchen, I often tell users if it is close to dinnertime to deposit number 2 in the upstairs location.

It's just the nice thing to do.

Peace - Rene

ugich konitari said...

All those bruises from bumping into corners and sinks and tub ends, while returning from the loo... you are most welcome to use our bathroom here. There is NO tub, there is no sink, the indian style toilet is recessed into the ground, and there are several taps around the place , in addition to a shower; if you dont feel like sprays of stuff on you, you can fill a blue bucket or a steel bucket with hot water and have an amazing bath; and Pearl, the current bathroom is big enough for you to perform a ballet pose :-)...now RUSH......

BPOTW said...

Wait a minute, you're using my old bathroom. The bathroom we had when we lived in New Mexico was seriously about 25 foot square. I had to shimmy around the door when I wanted to get in. Old linoleum? Yes. Faux plastic? I'm sure. I feel your pain, I do!

Thanks for submitting your post too!

June Saville said...

I'd accept the invitation Pearl but it would carry too many dangers ... Like laughing until my sides split, or cleaning my teeth too often just because I wanted to take in the scenery ...

June in Oz

Kavi said...

The bathroom has had great importance for a variety of reasons. Even in the early civilisations historians tell us that their bathrooms were something !!

What will ensuing generations think of you and the bathroom ? Well, maybe that gets you started !!

:)

krissy said...

Funny post! We once had a bathroom that my girlfriends and I would tease that you could sit on the toilet and do your thing, while leaning into the shower to wash you hair. Then wash your hands in the sink without having to move an inch. We never did update that one. Just moved! lol