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Sunday, November 30, 2008

Stuff That Makes No Sense To Me: Fire-Safe Cigs

The other night at Misfit Thanksgiving, I was having a cigarette out on the porch – as is my wont – whilst also having a beer.

Woo-hoo! It’s a party!

And just as a quick aside, I know smoking is bad. I know it’s self-destructive, and I also know that there will come a day when I just don’t bother to light up. I don’t smoke every day – I’ve never been that kind of smoker – but at a party, with a beer and my friends telling stories? Cigarettes and beer. Mmmm.

But back to the porch.

Drink talk smoke.
I look down, and the cigarette is going out. What the? So I take a slightly deeper drag, you know, to make it catch fire again. Hmmm. This is weird. Why is my cigarette going out?

Talk smoke, talk smoke drink.

I look at my cigarette, and it’s going out again. Is it just me?

OK. Show of hands, party-people! Who else’s cigareet won’t stay leet?

Everyone. Everyone’s cigareet won’t stay leet. And in Minnesota, they won’t stay leet as of November of this year, apparently.

“You know why, doncha?” Mary says. “They’re FSC now.”

FSC: Fire-Safe Cigarettes.

There you have it: Fire-Safe Cigarettes. The very things that are designed to burn have been re-designed to not burn.

Huh? I don’t need the United States helping me put out a cigarette!

But apparently someone does, because someone, somewhere, has decided that the people who drop cigarettes in their couches, the people who fall asleep while smoking in bed, need to be saved from themselves.

And because of that, you need to smoke twice as hard to keep the $@#ing thing lit.

It’s two days after the party, and I’m still confused by the concept of a cigarette that will not stay lit.

And there it is: more stuff that doesn’t make any sense to me.

That is all.


Ann's Rants said...

Brought to you by the people who invented the gag-birthday candle. Oh, but that lights again. HAHAHAHAHilarous.

Word verification: brughtiz. Didn't that star Colin Ferril?

Pearl said...

Hi, Ann.
Hey! That's actually a pretty good way to look at it! :-)


p..s. And yes! I believe Colin was in that!

KMcJoseph said...

You know how they put an s-load of chemicals in cigarettes already. Imagine the chemicals they have to put into it to make is stop burning on its own.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Ohh that was a great movie "In Brughtiz" :)

Pearl I never heard of such a thing as a fire safe cigarette. So you drag harder? Blast that nicotine right into yer lungs, eh?
Lung Cancer < Burning to death

Peace - Rene

word verif : bioton
def : a lengthy biography
a unit of measure for forms of life.

Pearl said...

It's so irritating! All I wanted was a cigarette!! I'm going to end up giving up everything but fast music and oatmeal...

Hi, Rene.
Yeah. You know, I realize how lame it is that I'm whining about it. :-)
Google "fire safe cigs". Seriously! Minnesota just picked it up in November -- and I noticed immediately. Everyone noticed. They just don't stay lit anymore. It seems so bizarre to me. I'm just waiting for cigarettes to be illegal completely so that those who want to buy them will be forced to buy them from a gang. :-)


KMcJoseph said...

It's not all bad, I smoked for 10+ years and I haven't smoked in over 2 years. I feel a lot better now.

Does the fast music go with the oatmeal?

Pearl said...

Hi, KMcJ.
Everything goes with oatmeal. :-)
Honestly, I'm not sure where that came from. I think I'm channeling something today...

Comedy Goddess said...

I LOVED smoking, still dream about doing it.

Somehow, cigs that go out on purpose, by someone elses design is just plain wrong. Wrong I tell you.

What next? Beer bottles that break when you are half done?

I blame Dick Cheney.

Pearl said...

Comedy Goddess, that's probably next, huh? How about candles without wicks? How about cars that won't go over 30?
How about we add razors to fatty red meat to keep us from eating it?!!
Help me government! Save me from myself!
Ooooh. I think it might be my bedtime already!

Strange Pilgram said...

How stupid. This will cause more fires because people will have to start smoking with an open fame in their hands to keep it going. How about a fire safe toaster? It pops out the bread before it get's too hot... oh, wait... that's a broken- pain-in-the-ass toaster.

Oooh, shock proof hairdryers that turn off if they're plugged in.

or slit your wrists proof razor blades that are made of rubber

sorry... I need to go to bed now.

Braja said...

Just think of the power cheeks you'll end up with

Old Knudsen said...

Helmets for riding bicycles the world has become so afraid which is why the terrorists are winning.

Brother Tobias said...

I bet they pick up on that idea over here. Next, drown-proof beer (it's all foam). Safety Matches (no heads).

tashabud said...

That was funny. I've never heard of Fire-Safe Cigarettes either. But then again, I don't smoke, so I shouldn't know about it, huh? I bet you're much colder in Minnesota than we are here in Wyoming at this time. We had some snow last night, but it looks like it's going to all be melted before the day's over.

Cassoulet Cafe said...

It's a sign to stop smoking now :)