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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Scientists Relieved to Encounter Metalheads in the Wild

In a discovery that both shocked and reassured headbangerologists around the world, metalheads, after being spotted for almost 20 years by only the very drunk, were once again found in the wild.

Lured out of hiding in a park in Berlin by strategically placed and seemingly “abandoned” bottles of Jack Daniels and sleeveless concert t-shirts, scientists hope to study them.

Dr. Brian “Brain” Danzig has been on the trail of the elusive “Metalhead” (Music Quisquiliarum) since a vision while listening to the band Overkill at a kegger in the mid-80s disrupted his plans for a career in orthodontia. “This discovery has everyone in academic circles talking. It’s like reeling in a coelacanth!”

“I have a million questions,” says Dr. Danzig. “For example, how are they getting by? That is, where are they working? I mean, how many Kinko’s and coffee shops can there be?”

Dr. Bruce “Yes, That’s My Real Name” Lee concurs. “Up until this discovery, we’d only had brief sightings – very, very late at night, you understand – in my garage, and only after certain parties. And now this! To know that they’re out there, really out there – oh, dude!”

And yet while they are, indeed, “out there”, a female has yet to be sighted.

“Where there are males, there are bound to be females,” enthused Dr. D. F. Geschwollenerkopf.

And while that may be true for most cultural subsets, the status of the metalheads has been in serious decline over the past decade, partly due to the very fact that there are so few females among them.

“We’ve found some very small Sepultura t-shirts and an empty bottle of black nail polish, but of course, those could be anybody’s. Until we find an actual female, I’m afraid we’re just speculating,” says Dr. Geschwollenerkopf.

Plans to lure female metalheads into the open with Malibu shooters and Marlboros are underway.


Ann's Rants said...

You are still writing, and I'm already commenting. Wondering if this emergence has anything to do with Guns and Roses' new album. Coincidence? No such thing...

ICKY said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ICKY said...


Braja said...

Ooookkkaaayyy.....so, Pearl honey, vodka for breakfast, was it?

Scott said...

This is absolute gold, and you should write more like it.

KMcJoseph said...

I wanted to congratulate myself on being your 4,700th visitor. Yay me!

Love your blog!

Pearl said...

Hey, Ann.
Oooh, there's a thought. Poor Axel, though. Have you seen his face lately?!

Icky, were those the rock-n-roll "devil horns"?!!! Dude!


Hi, Scott. Oh, I have regular forays into silliness on a regular basis. Things just seem to come over me... :-)

Rock on, KMcJ! (And thank you!)


Rick said...

Now someone please find Big Foot!!

Pearl said...

Hi, Rick!
Actually, I may have had a drink with Big Foot the other day. Great guy but doesn't tip over 10%, no matter what the service.
And he stinks.

LiteralDan said...

I've never been here before, but based on this, I think I like when you "make stuff up"-- nicely done!