I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The Award is In! I've Been Declared "Special" Now Three Years Running!

I’ve never really seen myself as “different”, but I’ve known for quite some time – because there are people out there, in life, who like to point these things out – that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.

I got an e-mail from a cousin who we’ll refer to as “Colleen” – because her name is Colleen – the gist of which was that I should “hang in there, sunshine, because you’re special”. There was then a picture of some goofy-haired gnome-like creature doing a pixilated dance on my computer screen.

And you know? It was just the kind of recognition I needed.

It’s not easy being this “special”.

You may ask yourself: How do I do, what I do, as well as I do it?

Well, first of all, as a U.S. citizen, a taxpayer, a mother, wife, and part-time professional golfer (not really) there are times one must cut corners.

For example, I sometimes wear the same socks two days in a row just so I don’t have to do laundry; and you don’t want to know how often I wash my sweaters. Because I don’t! Ha! Ha!

Wait – is that because I’m special or because I’m lazy? Or maybe I’m just dirty?! Ha! Well, since the laundry room is two flights down, I’m going to go with lazy… Oh, yeah. And special.

Lazily special.

Several times a week, I meditate, under the guise of “zoning out”, sometimes sitting zombie-eyed in front of the TV for hours. My family sees it as a test of their patience. I see it as a test of my powers of concentration: after all, it’s not easy drowning out their complaints! Where’s my dinner? Why is the cat on the roof with the binoculars? Why are you wearing my socks? But you tell me: How else do I rebuild the inner fortitude it takes to keep up this hectic lifestyle?

I require frequent hot baths, real cotton sheets, and take-out food, sometimes all at once.

I sometimes pull the pots and pans out of the kitchen cupboards just to see if I can fit in there. (I can.)

The family calls it “special”. I call it “research”.

In closing, I’d like to thank my cousin Colleen and all the others who have recognized my “specialness” over the years. It’s not easy keeping my cock-eyed view of the world fresh; but with your love and encouragement, I’ll continue to find a way.

Thank you.

11 comments:

The Grandpa said...

This is a special post, so hang in...but, wait, why do you want to fit into the kitchen cupboards. That's the first place somebody's going to look.

Braja said...

I know what that cat is doing on the roof. She's (he?? is it Liza Bean or the other rascal) trying to detect West Bengal. I bet they're night vision glasses, too: CIA issue. Watch her, Pearl...watch her...

And of course you're special...sheesh!

Not The Rockefellers said...

All of a sudden I have this insane urge to pull all of the pots and pans out of my cupboard to see if I can fit in there!

I may have found a new "office"

Peace - Rene

Dee said...

Thats so true...I call it research too;) If you start thinking about something like that you need to check it out, if not you will go around obsessing about it for ever...
Its like with me; I started wondering about what would happen if you fill a dishwasher machine with shampoo or something... Will it float ower with foam??.. I never got to try though, and now I dont have one...So I ofcourse cant stop thinking about it:P

You should give it a try;P

Lilly's Life said...

Well look it like this would you prefer Colleeen said you were ordinary? It takes a special person to recognise your special. So Colleen may be pretty special in her own way too. At least you give the family something to talk about and break up their dreary ordinariness. Have a special extraordinary Sunday Pearl.

Lilly's Life said...

Well look it like this would you prefer Colleeen said you were ordinary? It takes a special person to recognise your special. So Colleen may be pretty special in her own way too. At least you give the family something to talk about and break up their dreary ordinariness. Have a special extraordinary Sunday Pearl.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Well…you were able to identify an obscure Rush song from just eight short lines of lyric. That’s kinda special.

Judy said...

I have a very weird family. Your family at least said you were special. Mine would never tell anyone they are special. I would like to put several of my family in the cupboard and put locks on the doors. lol.

Barbara Blundell said...

Hi pearl
I am fired with enthusiasm to try your research. I've surveyed all my cupboards and I don't think I can fit into any-even if I emptied them.I could manage the wardrobe or the bedding box -would this do ? The only other alternative is the 'frige- does this count ? Although I would have to watch that some idiot didn't come along and fasten the door shut.

Judi "Jlo" Moran said...

Pearl, would love it if you'd hop over to my site and sign up for NO-HO, my zany version of NaNoWriMo.
You could write a short couple of paragraphs on one of 30 bizarre holidays in Nov. and it will be posted on that day as a guest post.
My readers would love your humor and it might garner you new readers.
PS. Zany Life is consistently ranked 2-3 on Google.
Love,
Jlo

Pearl said...

Ah, owing a late start to Sunday due to a number of DELICIOUS margaritas last night, I just had to answer these comments. You guys crack me up.

Grandpa, you are absolutely right. Ack! New spot required. New grist for the "we should dig a tunnel between here and Kurt and Kathy's" mill. It's only three blocks...

Braja, what that cat does continues to defy definition. Today (Sunday) for example she is quite her "cat" self, that is licking the last of the half-and-half from her tiny china bowl and waiting for the back door open... Liza Bean is something else...

Rene, I believe in you. :-) I believe you can fit in one of those cupboards. And when you do, please take a picture.

Dee, I suspect that you and I could be trouble at the same party. Unfortunately, I live in a very old house with no room for a dishwasher. Will have to think of another experiment...

Lilly, you have no idea how close to the truth that is! I am a liberal in a sea of staunchly conservative, uh, "Republicans", and they enjoy, as the Brits say, "taking the piss out" of me on a regular basis. O, the pain I've suffered!! :-)

Unbearable, that is true -- and I've had that song stuck in my head ever since then!

Judy, have you offered them several beers in a row? That may get them relaxed enough so that they don't recognize you trying to push them into the cupboards!

Barbara, any space is a good space! I also recommend dressing snazzily and sitting at the corner table of a local coffee shop and simply writing about everyone who walks in. All those people out there? Weird! They're all weird! I can make stories about complete strangers for hours. :-)

Judi, I accept your offer and have signed up for November 4th, Waiting for the Barbarians Day. Have no idea when I'll find the time to do this, but clearly it will be in the next 48 hours, won't it?! Exciting. Thank you -- I will do my best to make you proud.

Pearl