I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Do These Pants Make Me Look Compassionate?

Thursday started off on the “I-hit-the-snooze-how-many-times?” foot.

That’s my least favorite foot. You know, the one with the sock that won’t stay up. The foot that stepped in the cat barf. You get the picture.

The day had just begun, and I was already late.

And it didn’t surprise me when it began to drizzle, ever so lightly, on my way to the bus stop. As my friend Paula has pointed out, no, I am not made of sugar (and therefore unlikely to melt in the rain), but I’ve never liked being rained on. Maybe it’s the evil and unsightly things it does to my hair. Maybe someone broke up with me in the rain and I never got over it. I don’t know.

It could be worse, I suppose. I had a friend, ages ago, who couldn’t stand to be in the wind. Any wind. Made her anxious.

Can you imagine not being able to handle the wind?

So the way it was going, it didn’t surprise me when I got on the bus and there were next to no seats. It was almost entirely populated with large, very large people. Hmmm. Is it just my perception that there are no decent seats available?

Maybe I'm just grumpy.

Which quarter-seat should I occupy? I balanced half my butt on one seat, bracing myself with my feet. It’s good for toning the thighs, I told myself. Look at me! I’m being isometric.

Thinking positive.

I dropped my cell phone in the street getting off the bus. Yay! What next? Perhaps this was one of those days the universe was trying to tell me something? But what? Something along the lines of “stay home!” or perhaps “take that, sucker!”?

Keeping a sharp eye on the pigeons strutting about Nicollet Mall (I don’t trust an animal who can’t – even healthy – control its own, uh, emissions) I made my way into a Starbucks, where I ordered the largest coffee they have.

Ahh. Soothing, calming coffee.

I parked myself at my desk, ate a very large and therapeutic chocolate bar (Lindt) and managed to live until lunch.

Buoyed by good chocolate and a hot-tub worth of coffee, I walked through Macy’s, intending to take the skyway to Target where I thought I’d do my bit to bolster the economy, i.e., buy Willie some new socks. (Hey, in Minnesota, that’s how we roll.)

And that’s when everything changed.

Half-way through Macy’s an older man in a tuxedo stopped me.

“Excuse me. Do you know where Macy’s is?”

“You’re standing in it.”

“Oh, so I am.” His name was Leo, and he went on to explain to me that he was the piano player for the restaurant they have on the 12th floor and could I point him in the right direction? So rather than try to explain it, because it seems Macy’s has gone out of their way to hide the elevator, I took him there. It wasn’t much out of my way, really, and it was worth the smile he gave me.

One skyway over and still on my way to Target, a woman and a child rushed by me.

“Is it 12:15 yet?” she called out.

I yelled after her as she continued running. “Not by a long shot. Maybe 11:45.”

“Thank you!” she yelled and she kept running.

In Target, while buying Melatonin, an elderly woman asked me to help her pick out a lipstick – she had left her glasses at home.

I went to a sandwich shop on my way back to the office, and returned to the office to eat said sandwich at my desk. I thought about how perception changes everything and I enjoyed my lunch.

And so it didn’t surprise me when I stood up to get something off the printer and found that I’d been sitting on a banana pepper. My chair – just outside my boss’s office – looks like I’ve had a small and rather distasteful accident.

Ack.

There’s perception, and there’s reality, and I’m not sure which one I’m better off with today.

9 comments:

Chriz said...

you indeed update your blog every day.. aint it.. you dont mind people coming a reading your blog,.. is nt it.. cos i think its a personal blog..

Pearl said...

Hi, Chriz.
Yes, I write every day; and no I don't mind people reading every day. :-) In fact, I hope they do. Writing makes me happy. I wouldn't say that this is a "personal" blog, but I would say that this is just one person's take on everyday life!
Pearl

ugich konitari said...

Pearl, this whole thing cracked me up. (Notwithstanding the fact that some folks think I was cracked already). I didnt know you could sit on a banana pepper in the office. .......and if anyone questions you about reality and perception, tell them its virtual reality. (Just learnt the phrase). That'll teach them....

Pearl said...

Dear Ugich,
All of yesterday was virtually real! Apparently the Universe feels it necessary to remind me fairly regularly that I occupy a small and yet important place in it -- and usually at the same time!
And yes. One can sit on a banana pepper in the office, but it is not for the faint of heart (and at least didn't stain my pants!).
Pearl

Adlibby said...

Ahhh... banana pepper or not, you sound like someone I'd like to run into at Starbucks. =) Thanks for stopping by my blog! Did you happen to see that I tagged you? Did I already tell you that? I'm like Dory with the short term memory. I'd blog about it... but I always forget. Anyway... diggin' your blog! Adlibby

Atlsat said...

Your blog/experiences always pick me up when I'm down. Thanks for the chuckle and different perspective! Have a great weekend!

Chriz said...

am glad.. thanks for visiting.. i write to make people smile.. and check my latest post.. i hope it makes u smile

skywaykate said...

Oh, you poor, poor thing, (I'm being nice here!) for certain when you got to the banana pepper on your chair!! Hopefully Maria offered you proper consolation in my absence.

"I'm being isometric."
Favorite phrase of the month!

skywaykate said...

PS Jon is frequently asked, "Do you work here?" No matter the store, no matter what he's wearing (often more dressed up when he runs errands after work), he just has that look...we haven't figured out what "that look" is, though!