I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

24-Hour Vacations for Everyone!: A Day in Three Parts

Part I: Could I Interest You In Repeatedly Taking Your Clothes Off?

Can I just start out by saying that the trip to the Mall of America on Saturday should be broken down, crammed into dissolving capsules and distributed – preferably via overnight carrier – to everyone, worldwide?

Join us, won’t you, in a recounting of the last 24 hours? It’s gonna take a while. Here – have a Bloody.

We started by meeting at the Spring. Bloody Marys for everyone! Breakfast? Lunch? It’s 11:00 – it could go either way.

Who was there? Amy, Becky, Erin, Janice, Kathy, Lisa, and me. Oh, and Tommy. Poor Tommy! Seven women and one man on the deck in front of the Spring, drinking, laughing, and, I’m sure, being inappropriate in one form or another. Tommy slipped out, backing away slowly and deliberately, without our hardly noticing. It was probably in his best interest. We would be seeing him and the other three Intellectual Delinquents (comedians, all) that night in the Spring’s basement venue, Club Underground.

Before that, however, we had some shopping to do.

Not all of us would be amongst the shopping. Erin’s offer on a house had been accepted and she had fiscal, non-frivolous things to do – right after lunch. Janice had fiscal obligations as well in the way of a writing assignment. She, too, would be leaving to be responsible – right after lunch.

What a beautiful day Saturday was! On the deck, drinking, smoking, telling outlandish lies and laughing about it on a sunny, fall day, it felt like an occasion of some sort, one of those days you look back on, remembering who sat where, who said what.

Speaking of who said what, according to the consensus on the deck of the Spring Street in beautiful “Nordeast”, Barack Obama will win the upcoming U.S. presidential election.

Hope springs eternal.

Settling the tab about 1:15, we parted: Erin and Janice to their obligations; Amy, Becky, and I to the bus stop, followed by a 15-minute light rail hop from downtown Minneapolis to the Mall of America; Kathy and Lisa to pick up Baby Izzy and join us there.

The next five hours was a heady, retail blur of dressing rooms and price tags.

It should be noted here that Amy and Lisa are identical twins, both very attractive, blond and nicely built. Kathy is their sister, similar in all aspects. If they were to tell you that they were triplets, you would probably believe it. So any time one goes anywhere with these three, it can get confusing; and although I am confident in my ability to tell one from another, there’s something disconcerting about seeing the three of them in three different corners of a store...

Speaking of which, there was some coincidental shopping going on that should be noted here:
Amy and Lisa bought identical shirts. Accidentally.
Amy and Becky bought the same sweaters.
Amy and I bought the same jacket.

We cannot decide if Amy has fabulous taste and we are just along to ride her fashionable coattails or what these purchases mean.

Kathy and Lisa left around 5:00 or so, the time that four-month-old Izzy started showing signs of having had enough of our foolishness.

Amy, Becky, and I went to the fourth floor for margaritas, salsa, and fish tacos. Let me rephrase that. Becky and I had margaritas. Amy had a drink that was served in a coconut. A coconut!! Actually, I have nothing to say about that. I’m just amused by drinks served in coconuts.

I couldn’t keep track of everything purchased (although I do know Amy got some incredible knee-high leather boots), but I can tell you what I got. The intention was to buy two pairs of pants, three or four shirts, and a fitted jacket. Through some careful shopping (i.e., trying on whole stores full of clothes) and the use of Ma’s money-off coupons at New York & Company before they expired, I got the following:

Two pair trousers
One lightweight sweater
One silk blouse
One belted jacket
One fitted jacket


One pair comfy running-to-the-bus style shoes
One necklace
One bracelet
Two pairs earrings
One broad belt
Six chocolates

Mwa ha ha ha ha haaaaa! I feel so decadent!

We left the Mall around 6:30. Becky got off at the 38th Street Station and walked home – we’d meet up with her and James later for the comedy show.

There was a good half-hour lag for Amy and I downtown, and between waiting for the bus and getting off at our respective stops, we learned a number of things, basically that:

1. When you run across two rather large people dressed as thrift-store samurais, and the male, who appears to be what was referred to at Eisenhauer Elementary as “slow”, pulls a full-sized machete (albeit made of wood) from the sheath at his waist and starts hacking at the limbs of a tree less than 10 feet away, smart money rests its hand on the mace in her purse, just in case…
2. Markeesha Jefferson done been put out of her house again, but a friend had a case manager who was going to see what she could do about getting her into a three-bedroom over in North; and,
3. The 12-year-old at the front of the bus has quit smoking, this time for good.

Tomorrow: Part II of the 24-Hour Vacation, Wherein We Find Ourselves at the Spring for a Second Time.

1 comment:

Lilly's Life said...

How hilarious your day was! There is something about shopping that is so good for the soul plus a few alcoholic beverages certainly do not go astray either. This will keep youin a happy mood for some time. Good on you!!