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Monday, August 18, 2008

Swamp Heifers

I realize that this may be controversial, may ignite a storm of indignant e-mails, but now that I’ve seen it, now that I know both the amusement available – and the potential danger – I must share it. I must warn others.

We have this obligation to each other, do we not?

Have you heard of the Swamp Heifer? You haven’t? Gather around, children…


A Swamp Heifer is a certain kind of woman. SHs are primarily rural animals, but that is not to say that they can’t be found in the city. There is also a male equivalent to this phenomenon. But those will have to be the subjects of another column.

But what is a Swamp Heifer? Primarily found in small “dive” bars, she is identifiable by the following traits:

  • Confusing but true, Swamp Heifers are either dramatically overweight or pathetically under-weight and often travel in pairs. Like the tiny bird that lives on the backs of hippos, the smaller Swamp Heifers often do the bidding of the larger ones and, presumably, keep them free of ticks. This may be a hierarchal thing – perhaps the smaller one serves as apprentice to the larger one? I wouldn’t ask them, though.
  • A Swamp Heifer is always drunk.
  • A Swamp Heifer does not have a discriminating palate where her drinks are concerned, just as long as they’re cheap and they keep coming.
  • A Swamp Heifer’s clothing eventually comes off during the course of the night, whether it appears to be on purpose or not. This includes pants that fall enough to reveal a thong (also known as a “whale tail”), a shirt’s shoulder that falls down to reveal more skin than had been shown earlier in the evening, or shoes that are removed and left at the bar or under a table so their owner can dance barefoot.
  • A Swamp Heifer’s dancing style consists primarily of raising one arm above her head and shouting “Wooooooooooooooooo!” This is usually accompanied by pseudo-stripper moves that rarely have anything to do with the beat.
  • A Swamp Heifer is always loud. Whether ordering another drink, screaming “I love this song! It’s about me!’ or announcing at an ear-splitting decibel level that she’s “gotta pee”, there’s no concern that a Swamp Heifer will go unnoticed.
  • Swamp Heifers are often missing teeth. Whether as a result of meth use or a lack of dental insurance, it’s hard to say, but it seems to have no effect on her ability to attract her male counterpart…
  • A Swamp Heifer is looking to get laid or fight. No man, no line into the bathroom is safe. An SH without a boyfriend is on the prowl and will be giving away lap-dances right after her next shot. An SH with a boyfriend is a jealous woman and assumes the worst at all times. The man you stood next to at the bar for a full two minutes while you ordered a beer, the one you didn’t notice? That was her man, and she’s going to be coming at you later in the evening. Good luck, and don’t go to the bathroom alone!

Now, I’m not saying that a missing tooth makes you a Swamp Heifer, nor is the inability to dance to the beat or shed those pesky pounds you put on last winter. I’m just telling you what I know. Swamp Heifers can be dangerous, and now you know what they look like and their habits are, you’re that much closer to a safe and entertaining night out.

Think of it as an anthropological study.


A big “thank you” and a “you know, once you know, there are quite of few of them out there” to Kathy, Amy, and Paul, for turning me on to both the terminology and the signs.

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