Spanx A Lot!

I may be the last car on this particular train, but have you heard of Spanx, and their slightly more affordable cousins, Assets?

A little history here.

Back in the day, there were, of course, options to a smoother, firmer shape. You could suck it in (like your mother kept suggesting); you could stop eating so much and exercise (like you said you were going to, just after the first of the year, I think it was); you could wear a girdle (like your grandma did on special occasions); or you could pull on two pairs of nylons, one over the other (like the drunk woman I met in a bar restroom who eventually peed herself trying to pull them down.)

And now – ta-da! A new option: Spanx and Assets.

Tired of the jiggle but disinclined to do the work that would firm that chubby bottom? Why not let your underwear do the work! I mean, what are you paying them for? For $25 (or $20) dollars, they’re like wearing, honestly, what you would imagine wearing two pairs of nylons would be like but instead extend from just below the breasts to just above the knees.

If you haven’t tried them yet, you should – unless… Hey, you’re not one of those people whose butt doesn’t jiggle like two puppies in a gunny sack, are you? I’ve heard of those people! This is very exciting for me, like a Big Foot sighting or shooting star. The wireless telegraph! The steam engine! And now this? I mean, you hear of people who are firm and toned, but you never really expect to run across one yourself, you know?

Like I said, I suppose this is terribly old news to most people, but I can be a little slow sometimes. I mean, you’re looking at someone who has yet to join Netflix, someone who is pretty sure she has never IMed anyone.

So there you go. If no one’s told you yet, you are now informed. If you already knew about this, then you tell me: what else is out there that I don’t know about?